Harry Potter and the What if Scenarios: A Harry Potter Parody
by jtrichard28
Summary: What if all of Harry's fame immediately went to his head as a child? What if the Malfoys couldn't tell the difference between a smartphone and magic? What if Severus Snape appeared cruel and scheming, but somehow believed he was helping Harry out?
1. Chapter 1

Warning: Potential spoilers for all seven books and films in the Harry Potter series, though mostly the books. It is recommended that you read them first before reading this parody. It might have helped if I'd put this spoiler warning up on day one rather than after 44 chapters, but what can you do?

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 1

What if Vernon Dursley Forgot about Wizards?

By

Jason Richard

In England Somewhere Vernon Dursley was minding his own business when suddenly bizarre people in robes started partying in the street. They were dancing, hugging, crying, and all without any music.

Vernon stared around at all these strange people open mouthed and astonished, right up until one of the robed men came up and hugged him out of the blue.

"Good tidings and great joy to you," said the Man. "Today is a happy day! In fact, every day should be a happy day from now on."

"Please tell me you're not hippies," said Vernon irritably..

"Oh but don't you see!" said the delighted man. "You know who is vanquished!"

"Who?" asked Vernon.

"Oh sorry," said the stranger. "You're a muggle. I mean you __don't__ know who is vanquished."

Before Vernon could even ask who you don't know who was they were interrupted by a man in a banker's suit.

"What do you think you're doing!?" cried the man. "Prancing about in your robes right in front of the muggles!?" he pulled the robed man to the side and whispered, "This is a direct violation of the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy!"

Robed Man, "But aren't you happy that you don't know who is vanquished?"

Banker Suit Man, "What?"

Robed Man, "Oh sorry, you __do__ know who."

Vernon, "I'm sorry what..." it dawned on him. It was like his wife's sister and her husband. "I know! You're those freaky…" he choked on the work like a pit in his throat. "Wizards!"

"There you see!" said the man in the Banker's suit. "People are starting to learn about us! I don't care about you don't know who. I mean you know who. I mean...gah! This stops now." he pulled out his wand and shouted, "OBLIVIATE!"

And Vernon Dursley completely forgot about the existence of wizards.

…

As Vernon walked home, still greatly disturbed by the number of happy, hugging people wearing robes, he couldn't help but wonder why his wife Petunia had estranged herself from her sister Lily and her husband James Potter. He seemed to remember Petunia telling why they were so abhorrent, but couldn't remember what the reason actually was. Vernon was forced to conclude that the reason wasn't so bad as that.

He figured he'd better suggest to Petunia that they reach out to them. They were family after all. Surely whatever Lily and James were it wasn't so bad that there couldn't be reconciliation?

It was later that evening as he and Petunia were sitting down to dinner that he decided to bring it up. Petunia was feeding their little baby son Dudley, she looked so sweet and loveable. Certainly now was the right time.

"Say Petunia," said Vernon carefully. "Have you ever thought about mending bridges with your sister?"

"WHAT!?" demanded Petunia as she snapped the baby spoon with her fingers, making baby Dudley cringe.

"I know," said Vernon defensively. "I know, you and your sister had a falling out. That tends to happen between siblings."

"I'm sorry," said Petunia furiously. "Have you forgotten what she and her husband are?"

He thought quickly. It was something Lily __was__ that made Petunia angry? Not something she did? What did Lily and her husband do for a living? Thinking as hard as he could, he was able to retrieve a memory. Something about broomsticks. What...they were janitors for a living? Of course! At their age they only reason they would have that work, and the only reason Petunia could be angry, is because they were college dropouts! Now he knew how to handle this tactfully.

"Of course I remember," said Vernon. "Quite shamefully for your family."

"Not if you ask my parents," said Petunia spitefully.

Vernon, with much confusion, "They were proud of this?"

Petunia, "Oh of course. Even more proud when they saw the gold."

Vernon, "For that kind of work?!"

Petunia, "Well what else would their kind paid?"

Vernon, "Well who pays in Gold for that sort of thing?"

Petunia, "That government of theirs I suppose."

Vernon, "They have their own government?! Since when?! Why does nobody know about this?!"

"You know what they are," said Petunia. "Of course they keep that secret from most normal people."

You fool, this is worse than being a college dropout, thought Vernon. Clearly Lily has joined a cult!

"Well we have to get her out of that life!" said Vernon.

Petunia in disgust, "Get that witch out of her life?"

Vernon, "Now Petunia there's no need for name calling."

Petunia, "What is the matter with you? You try an intervention with those people and you'll get turned into a toad or something."

Vernon wasn't quite certain he'd heard that correctly. "What was that dear?"

"You could get turned into a toad," said Petunia irritably. "Or cursed, or blown up, or whatever else they learned at that witch school...oh for goodness sake Vernon why are you staring at me like I'm crazy?"

…

As Petunia was led through the asylum in a straight jacket she shouted in a rage, "VERNON DURSLEY YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!"

"I'm sorry Petunia," said Vernon as he held Dudly. "This is for your own good."

"NO!" Petunia shouted as she struggled with the nurses. "LET ME OUT OF HERE YOU IDIOTS. LET ME OUT OF HEEEEEEEERE!"

…

Outside the asylum, where Petunias enraged screaming could be heard, Professor Dumbledore, professor Mcgonagall, and Hagrid watched, a tiny Harry Potter cradled in Hagrid's arms. They all had rather...surprised looks on their faces.

"Well," said Dumbledore, absolutely flummoxed. "This is unfortunate."


	2. Chapter 2

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 2

What if Petunia tried a Different Method to Cut Harry's Hair?

And What if the Reptile Exhibit Incident was More...Drastic?

By

Jason Richard

Harry Potter grew up never knowing that he was a wizard. His Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon never told him that he and his parents were magical. This was quite irritating when they punished him for something magical that he didn't even know he was doing. Like his hair. Harry liked his hair kind of messy, so when Petunia cut it he subconsciously grew it back within a day magically.

One day she tried taking him to the barber. Surely being in public would discourage him from using that nasty magic. Right?

The bell rang announcing their entrance to the barber and a very perturbed Harry Potter scowled as he was seated. It wasn't his fault his hair grew fast, so far as he knew.

Petunia stepped outside for a moment to get something done and the Barber got started. He turned on his electric razor and started, cutting the boy's hair short as his Aunt requested.

"Bzzt," the razor went as he cut a strip of hair short. The barber looked away and then…

"Foomp!"

What the...the Barber looked back and the hair had returned instantly.

Harry thought, _Oh great. Another weird thing i'm going to get blamed for._

The Barber, meanwhile, seemed bewildered. How did the hair come back? He checked the floor and the hair he had cut off was still there, right where it had originally fallen.

He tried again. "Bzzt!"

And the hair came back, "Foomp!"

And he tried again.

Petunia walked in a few moments later and nearly had a heart attack at the sight. The Barber, with a bewildered look on his face, was still trying in vain to cut the boy's hair as it kept popping back in.

"Bzzt!"

"Foomp!"

"Bzzt!"

"Foomp!"

"Bzzt!"

"Foomp!"

There was a pile of hair on the floor the size of a st. bernard dog, and the poor confused man just kept buzzing away while Harry just sat there cringing.

"Bzzt!"

"Foomp!"

"Bzzt!"

"Foomp!"

"Enough!" cried Petunia, grabbing Harry's hand and dragging him away.

The barber began to ask, "What…"

"ENOUGH!" shrieked Petunia as they disappeared outside.

…

After that fiasco at the Barber's Harry was bewildered he got allowed to go to the zoo on Dudley's birthday later that week. Apparently he only got to go because they got an extra ticket and another kid had to cancel. As Harry walked through the entrance of the zoo he couldn't believe his luck.

"And it has to be luck," he muttered to himself. "It's not like I have magic powers that subconsciously arranged things so that I could go."

…

Earlier that day, at exactly the same time Harry was in the cupboard under the stairs wishing he could go to the zoo, another kid was at the park. This kid would have gotten the ticket Harry was going to use, but at that exact moment Harry's accidental magic triggered.

"Weird," thought the kid, 'I have this strange urge to walk over here and stand in this exact spot.' As the kid did this, he wondered why.

Then someone shouted at him, "Watch out for the baseball!"

"THWACK!"

…

So Harry Potter got to go to the zoo, despite much protest from Dudley. Harry got to see the monkeys, the exotic birds, the wolves, the frogs, and all sorts of stuff. He even saw lions, tigers, and bears.

Though nothing happened when he saw them.

What did happen, happened in the reptile exhibit. Harry was walking through it as he looked at all the lizards and snakes, and stopped by one particular snake. For some reason Harry felt sorry for it.

"Locked up in a tiny space?" said Harry, thinking of the cupboard under the stairs that was his bedroom. "I can relate."

"Oh really?" said the snake. "You're kept in a cage usually?"

Harry, despite his surprise at a talking snake, replied, "Not a cage...you can't see out of my space."

"Too bad," said the snake. "But at least you're out now…"

But both the snake and Harry were surprised when Dudley came out of nowhere and pushed Harry over.

"Out of the way skinny!" cried Dudley. "I wanna see!"

Dudly reached out to put his hands on the glass, but was surprised when his hands touched nothing. What he didn't know was that Harry had accidentally used magic again, this time to make the glass disappear.

From every single cage in that room.

"Uh…" said one of the other snakes. "Guys? You know that clear stuff that stops us from getting to that walking meat that stares at us all day? I think it's gone."

There was a moment of silence as the humans in the room realized the glass was gone. And then…

Snake, "DIBS ON THE FAT ONE!"

Children started screaming and scattering as snakes leapt from their cages with their mouths open. Both Harry and Dudley scampered away, each climbing into windowsills as snakes collected beneath them. Actually most of the snakes collected around Dudley. There was only one that went for Harry. Harry was scared, but he remembered how he had been able to talk to that one snake, and how weird things seemed to happen around him. Could it be that he had some sort of powers? Could he really talk to snakes?

Could he...maybe...convince this one to go after Dudley as well? No wait, that wouldn't be fair. Harry was better than that. Besides, he'd know Dudley for years. They'd had plenty of cousinly moment together, like Dudley punching Harry, kicking Harry, forcefully shoving Harry's head into...

"Hey snake, you see the fat kid over there?" said Harry in his most charming voice. "Doesn't he look much more delicious than me? I'm all skin and bones, but he's much more...uh...well look at him! Trust me he's as big as he looks. Don't worry about competition from other snakes. There will be plenty for all of you. I'm hardly enough for one of you. Plus he got three varieties of birthday cakes to himself today. Come on. You'd be doing yourself a favor eating him. Think of the sugar in him!"

Snake, "I'm on a diet."

Harry, "Dang it!"

All there was left to do was wait for the zookeepers to get them.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

(Or Philosopher's Stomach Ache if you go with the British Version)

Chapter 3

What if Hagrid skipped the Letters?

And What Quirrell and Voldemort got to Gringotts a Little bit sooner?

By

Jason Richard

Harry Potter, only eleven years old, sat at a window in the living room feeling depressed. He'd be starting school soon, and he just knew that his rotten Aunt and Uncle Dursley who hated him for no reason would send him to a terrible school while his rotten cousin Dudley got to go to a great one. He looked over at his extended family as they sat around and felt even more depressed. Harry just knew he was destined to be miserable. After all, what were the chances someone would come along and let him go to the most awesome school in the world?

At that moment a giant man with shaggy hair burst through the front door and said something that absolutely made Harry's day.

Hagrid, "Hey Harry, do you want to go to a school for wizards?"

Harry, "YES!"

As he got up the Dursleys, absolutely flummoxed at the sight of a giant man bursting through the door, stood up and started fuming.

"Now see here," said Vernon. "I won't have him going to that...that...!"

"That school of freaks!" shrieked Petunia.

Hagrid didn't like her tone.

"You know where he's taking me?" asked Harry.

"Of course!" said Petunia. "And we forbid you to go! Don't you find this man's sudden appearance even a little suspicious?"

"Well Aunt Petunia," said Harry. "If you didn't want me to go with with a complete stranger who shows up out of nowhere to take me to a school no one's ever heard of, you really should have been nicer to me."

Petunia and Vernon looked like they were going to have a fit each.

"And what are you supposed to be anyway?" asked Dudley to Hagrid.

"Keeper at the grounds at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry," said Hagrid proudly.

Dudley sniggered and said, "Hogwarts? That's a stupid name for a school."

"NEVER INSULT HOGWARTS!" shouted Hagrid, pointing an umbrella at Dudley which somehow turned the fat boy into a pig.

"Oops," said Hagrid. "Only meant to give him a pig tail."

Meanwhile both Vernon and Petunia started screaming hysterically. Vernon scooped up the now piggy Dudley and the three of them fled the scene. As they ran from the house the neighbors gave them funny looks as they screamed while carrying a pig. No one had the courage to ask why they were doing this.

Once the Dursleys were out of sight a moment of silence followed.

Harry, "So, Wizard school now?"

Hagrid, "Right this way Mr. Potter!"

…

"So my parents didn't die in a car crash," said Harry. "They were killed by a madman called Voldemort who was killed when he tried to kill me?"

"No," said Hagrid as they walked down the street. "Wizard that strong? He's still out there, biding his time, too weak to carry on. Could come back any day and restart his massacre of innocent people. Why I dare say he'd probably march right back up to you to finish what he started when he killed your parents and off you while you slept in the most horrible…"

He saw Harry's terror.

"I mean yes, he's dead," said Hagrid quickly. "Dead as...well...your parents!"

Awkward silence.

Hagrid, "I'm going to stop talking now."

"Bit late for that," said Harry.

Fortunately, after a trip through the leaky cauldron, Harry got to see Diagon alley. It was filled with all sorts of magic stuff, like broomsticks to fly on, posters and pictures that moved, people appearing out of thin air, and other things.

Their first stop was Gringotts bank, so Harry could get money to buy school books. Apart from the mean looking goblins running it and the intimidating caves that stored the vaults Gringotts was cool. He got to ride the mine carts and get gold from a vault belonging to his late parent.

In fact he stared at the mountains of gold from his parents' vault for a long time.

"I'm rich," he said to himself as if in a trance. "I'm rich. I'm rich."

And then Harry started drooling, "I'm rich. I'm rich."

"Okay time to go," said Hagrid, grabbing the neck of Harry's shirt and dragging him away as Harry continued to drool.

Harry, "I'm rich. I'm rich. I'm rich."

They also went to a vault filled with a single item wrapped up in a cloth. Hagrid took that item and left. Moments later a future in a cloak and turban snuck in and was about to use a powerful magical key to open the vault, but it was already open.

Quirrel, a rather frightened looking man, grew nervous.

"Master it's not here," said Quirrell.

"Patience," said a voice under his turban. "Patience my servant. You did get the job as the defense against the dark arts teacher, yes?"

"Yes of course," said Quirrell.

"Then it will be in our grasp soon!" said the voice. "Soon, I shall be restored to my former powers, no longer a shade who must share a body with someone else. Soon I will gain a body of my own so that I may rule wizardkind as is my right. Soon I, Lord Voldemort, shall possess the philosophers stone, and be the most powerful wizard of all time yet again!"

Quirrell said, "Don't you mean the sorcerer's stone?"

The silence was terrifying. Even more terrifying was the spirit of Lord Voldemort saying, "What?"

Quirrell, realizing he'd goofed up somehow, said nervously, "Well, my lord, I could have sworn it was called the Sorcerers…"

"Are you correcting your Dark Lord?" asked Voldemort?

"No no," stuttered Quirrell, "But wasn't Nicholas Flamel a sorcerer?"

"He was a philosopher too!" shouted Voldemort angrily. "Don't correct me again!"

Quirrel, "Sorry sir! So very sorry! Won't happen again!"

Voldemort, "Glad to hear it. No, we don't want to get caught here, so let's go."

After a moment of silence, Quirrell said, "My lord?"

Voldemort, "What?"

Quirrell, "What's a Philosopher?"

Voldemort, "WILL YOU GET MOVING ALREADY!?"

Voldemort had never seen a wizard run as fast as Quirrell did that day.

…

Hagrid and Harry were just stepping out of Gringotts as Harry was thinking of all the cool stuff he was going to buy with his mountains of gold. Neither he nor Hagrid noticed Quirrell behind them. Voldemort was still hidden as a spirit beneath Quirrell's turban and spoke directly into Quirrell's mind so the boy and the half giant wouldn't hear him.

 _Easy Quirrell._ Thought Voldemort. _Neither of them senses my presence. We're perfectly safe._

Hagrid, meanwhile, was grateful that they had gotten the philosopher's stone as smoothly as they did. Hagrid shuddered to think what would have happened if evil forces got their hands on it. He patted his pocket to make certain it was still there.

It was gone. Before he could panic, however...

"Hey Hagrid," said Quirrell behind him, holding up a red stone. "This suspiciously magical looking red stone dropped right out of your pocket. Here you go."

Voldemort thought, _Red stone? NO! DON'T GIVE IT BACK! GRAB IT AND RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN!_

Quirrel froze. He had already given the stone back, and now a very relieved Hagrid was walking away, this time putting the stone in a pocket that didn't have holes in it. Meanwhile, Voldemort was still screaming in Quirrell's mind.

" _DON'T JUST STAND THERE! GRAB IT AND RUN! GRAB IT! GRAB IT! GRAB IT!_

After a moment Voldemort realized that it was too late, and hiding under Quirrell's turban he seethed with rage.

"Quirrell," said Voldemort.

"Yes Master?" asked Quirrell nervously.

"When we get back to our hiding place, we're going to have to summon your punishment." said Voldemort.

Quirrell, "But master, surely you don't mean…"

"Yes," said Voldemort. "Tonight, you will suffer the wrath of...them."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Quirrell. "NOT THE PIRANHA PUPPIES!"

Awkward pause.

"The what?" asked a very confused Voldemort.

"The…" Quirrell stammered. "The piranha puppies. Isn't that what you were…"

"What the heck is a piranha puppy?" demanded Voldemort.

"It's...it's a puppy with piranha teeth…"

Second Awkward Pause.

"Can…" Voldemort stuttered. "Can we just leave now? I have absolutely no idea what to think of that."

Quirrell, "Okay."


	4. Chapter 4

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 4

What if some Wizards Mistook Muggle Technology for Magic?

By

Jason Richard

Harry spent the rest of the afternoon with Hagrid in Diagon Alley, buying books, potion, ingredients, and a snowy owl that Harry named Hedwig. As he did Harry got a lot of looks from people who recognized him. Apparently being the only person to survive an attack from a dark lord made one famous, but Harry tried to ignore the staring.

Soon he only had two things left, the first of which was easily the most important thing a wizard or witch could have. Really, if you could only buy one thing as a wizard, this was it. You simply couldn't do magic without it. No charms, no transfigurations, no hexes, nothing. Without it, you might as well not even call yourself a wizard.

It was, of course, a wand.

So Harry walked into a shop called Ollivanders and walked out saying, "Well that was easy."

After that trip, he went to Madam Malkin's for school robes. As he was waiting to be fitted he found himself standing to an arrogant looking blonde boy who looked like he's worn wizard robes his entire life.

Which is why Harry was quite surprised to see him using a Muggle smartphone.

"Huh," said Harry. "I didn't know wizards used Muggle technology in addition to magic.

The other boy looked offended and said, "What? Me? Draco Malfoy using Muggle technology? I wouldn't be caught dead using something made by grubby muggles "

Harry, "But that phone was made by muggles."

Draco, "How would muggles make a magical item?"

Harry, "A smartphone isn't magic."

Draco, "Of course it's. It lights up doesn't it?"

It took a moment for Harry to follow that logic.

"Plenty of Muggle things light up," said Harry.

"Sure," said Draco dismissively, scrolling through something on the phone. "By setting their things on fire."

Harry took a moment to think that through, but couldn't wrap his mind around it, "What?"

"Yeah," said Draco, still scrolling. "Light things on fire, beat things with clubs, grunt a lot..."

Harry, "That's not muggles it's cavemen."

Draco, "You say that like there's a difference."

Once again Harry was rendered speechless, and before he could regain his senses Madam Malkin strolled in.

"Alright we're ready to get start..." she said. It was then that the seamstress witch noticed Malfoy's device and grew alarmed. "What are you doing with Muggle technology here? I'm sure it's fine at home but at Diagon Alley with spells cast by hundreds of wizards? All that magic in the air is going to make it…"

KABOOM!

As Draco Malfoy now held a smoldering ruin in his hand and a shocked expression on his face, Madam Malkin said with a weary sigh, "Explode."

"I…" Draco stammered in absolute horror as he looked at the destroyed phone. "I used a muggle thing."

"Yeah," said Harry. "As I said."

Draco, "I...I used a muggle thing."

Harry, "Yes we've established that."

The next thing Harry knew Draco Malfoy was stooping down, lying on the floor in the fetal position hugging his knees and rocking back and forth.

"I used a Muggle thing," Draco whimpered. "I used a Muggle thing...I used a Muggle thing...I used a Muggle thing...I used a muggle thing…"

"Okay," said Madam Malkin nervously, "Why don't you go to the fitting room?" she told Harry.

Harry obliged, and Madam Malkin wondered what she was going to do with this emotionally shattered boy on the floor of her shop.

And at that moment the boy's father, Lucius Malfoy, strolled in. When he saw Draco his eyes bulged out.

"What did you do to my son?" he demanded.

"Nothing," said Madam Malkin, offended. "He was using Muggle technology and it exploded, as they are want to do in such a magical area."

It was then that Lucius Malfoy noticed what his son was saying over and over again as well as the smoldering phone on the ground.

"No," said Lucius, flabbergasted. "No, it cannot be. The salesman promised me it was enchanted. He gave me his word."

"A Muggle promised you it was magic?" asked Madam Malkin.

"He wasn't a muggle," said Lucius. "He didn't wear leopard skin or hold a club or anything."

"Oh that pureblood myth," said Malkin under her breath. "Tell me, Mr. Lucious, what exactly did this...um...wizard salesman say to you?"

"As I said," replied Lucius. "He told me, in no uncertain terms, that using his product would be a magical experience."

And Madam Malkin just shook her head.

###

Message from the author.

Okay, so something interesting happened while I was writing this. I've started using the basic edition of Grammarly to help with my grammar. I am fully aware that I could have used something like this a lot sooner, and maybe I'll find the time to use it to edit the hundreds of chapters on my other stories. :( But every chapter I do from now on will use it.

Anyway the interesting thing that happened was that it wanted to change a sentence above from, "this emotionally shattered boy on the floor," to "this emotionally shattered body on the floor."

Make of that what you will.

Jason.


	5. Chapter 5

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 5

What if Dumbledore called the Hogwarts Houses by what they actually were?

By

Jason Richard

Not long after Harry was dropped off at King's Cross station with a ticket to platform 9 ¾'s. He didn't know what that meant, but fortunately a nice lady with several children, all with flaming red hair, helped him pass the magical barrier to get to the Hogwarts express, and soon Harry was aboard. Not long after this, the nice lady's son asked if he could join him in that compartment.

"Ron Weasley," said Ron, putting his trunk up and putting his pet rat on the seat next to him.

"Harry Potter," said Harry as they shook hands. Immediately Ron's eyes went wide,

"I'm in the same compartment as Harry Potter?" said Ron. "Wow. I mean...that…did you really survive against you know who?"

"So I'm told," said Harry. "I was only a baby so I don't remember it. It does explain the lightning bolt scar on my head. My Aunt and Uncle said I got it from the car crash that killed my parents."

Ron looked confused, "A car crash? You're Aunt and Uncle expected you to believe that?"

'I suppose," said Harry.

"So according to your Aunt and Uncle, a baby survived a car crash that killed two grown adults? That's mental!"

"Yes," said Harry dryly. "Because the idea that a baby survived a psychotic killer with magical powers that killed two adults makes much more sense."

Ron, "Exactly!"

Just outside their compartment a bushy haired girl named Hermione poked her head in and said, "Actually, in the magical world it is more likely. I've just been reading my school books and learned about three instances where…"

"Reading school books when you don't have to?" said Ron,"Harry, is this what Muggles call a nerd? I've only heard of them from myths and legends my dad told me."

Hermione, with much indignation, said, "You know, if you're going to try and insult someone, you could at least try to be clever about it. Myths and legends indeed!"

As Hermione stormed off Ron was left wondering what just happened.

"No, really," said Ron. "I've only ever heard of nerds in myths and legends."

Harry, "Strange thing is I believe you."

…

So they took the train to Hogwarts, took boats across the lake, and made it into the castle. They were soon brought to the great hall for the start of term feast, but before everyone got to eat they had to have the sorting ceremony.

"This hat," said Headmaster Dumbledore, "Will sort you into your school house. While here your house will be like your family, sharing in both your triumphs and your failures. The houses are, as follows…"

Now Dumbledore had a habit of, unlike the previous headmasters, describing the houses as most people knew them to be, rather than what the founders of that school intended. Most students were not happy about this.

"First," said Dumbledore. "There is Gryffindor, the house of reckless showoffs."

Angry Gryffindor's, "Bravery!"

Dumbledore, "Second, Ravenclaw, the house of pompous smartypants."

Angry Ravenclaw's, "Intelligence!"

Dumbledore, "Third, Hufflepuff, the house of nobody cares."

Angry Hufflepuffs saying different things all at once, "Loyalty! Hard Work! Perseverance! Awkward Charm! Wait...what are we again?"

Dumbledore, "Finally, we have the Slytherins. The house of pure evil jerks."

And the Slytherins grinned.

Harry really didn't like the way they were grinning. Once Ron told him that there wasn't a witch or wizard that went bad that wasn't in Slytherin, he realized he really didn't want to go there.

"And now for the sorting," said Dumbledore. "Come up here and this inanimate object will decide your lot in life for all eternity."

Several children got called up to get sorted into each of the houses, having the sorting hat call out their house as it was placed on each of their heads, but Harry didn't pay much attention. The only three he noticed, besides his own, were Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, and Ronald Weasley. Draco got sent to Slytherin before the sorting hat even touched his blonde hair.

Then there was Hermione. The sorting hat touched her head and almost put her into a house as quickly.

"Let's see," said the sorting hat atop her head. "Very smart, well read, and a thirst to learn, well there's a Ravenclaw if I ever…"

"Actually," said Hermione. "I was thinking I could go to Gryffindor."

"Oh?" said the hat, intrigued. "A bit of a daring side eh? Why makes you want to join them?"

"Well," said Hermione. "They are the house of bravery, yes?"

"Yes," said the sorting had hesitantly, wondering where she was going with this.

"Well," she continued. "Given that their trait is bravery, I figure they must have the most comprehensive tests at the end of term. Tests so intellectually grueling it takes a lot of bravery to pass them."

It took a moment for the sorting hat to understand what she was saying.

"That's...that's not what they mean by bravery," said the hat. "They mean feats of daring, life threatening obstacles, reckless showboating, that sort of thing."

"Failing your tests is life threatening!" said Hermione. "If I don't get good grades, I can't get into wizard college. That would be a horrible life!"

"The wizarding world doesn't have colleges," said the hat.

A pause, and then, "W...what? They...they don't? But...but I'm going to school to learn...if there's no colleges in the wizarding world I'll...I'll...I'll get less learning that I would have in Muggle education! What have I done!? What am I doing here! I need to get out! HELP! HELP!"

"WAIT! WAIT!" said the sorting hat as it sat upon the panicked girl. "I didn't mean it! Of course, you need bravery to pass Gryffindor tests! Their...uh...college level! Yes! Only the best and the bravest can take college level wizarding classes! Why you're so intelligent a high school level education! Telling you there was no college level was a test and you passed!"

Hermione, "R...Really?"

"Yes," said the hat.

"Oh good," said Hermione, relieved. "That's good."

So the sorting had called out Gryffindor, and as the hat waited for the next student it sighed and said, "Good lord that was exhausting. Alright, bring up the next brat...I mean student!"

Next up was Harry Potter himself, who sat under the sorting hat with one thought under his mind.

I want to be in Gryffindor and not Slytherin.

"Oh?" said the hat. "And why's that? Because you'd prefer bravery for bravery's sake and not the self-serving ambition that the Slytherins are known for?"

"No," said Harry, shaking his head. "Slytherin's are the house of pure evil and the Gryffindor table is the farthest from them."

The sorting hat was about to argue, but thought better of it and said, "Okay."

Harry breathed a sigh of relief as his house was announced and the joined the table. The last person to get sorted, that Harry noticed anyway, was his new friend from the train, Ronald Weasley.

"Just get it over with," said Ron. "I'm a Hufflepuff, aren't I? I'm not brave like a Gryffindor, I'm not smart like a Ravenclaw, and I'm not a git like a Slytherin. Hufflepuff is the only house that fits that description. I know every one of my older brothers was a Gryffindor, but I don't measure up to them. Fred and George are always telling me I could never be Gryffindor, and once I'm not they'll never cease to remind me."

The sorting hat actually felt sorry for him, but before he could answer, Ron kept talking.

"But you know what?" said Ron, a sense of defiance filling him. "I don't care if Fred and George will give me a hard time. Every time they tell me that I'm not good enough for their house I'll just say their house isn't good enough for me! I won't be the butt of their jokes any longer! I'll walk into my house with my head held high and not care what they think!"

The sorting hat was moved, incredibly moved, and he said, "Wow. Well said. Such bravery against peer pressure. And you know what? Someone brave enough to stand up to a Gryffindor is worthy of Gryffindor!"

Ron turned pale and said, "What? No...no I don't want to go to Gryffindor. Do you know what they do there? Most houses study magical creatures like werewolves. Gryffindors lock you in a room with one and say good luck! And have you heard of the initiation? Gryffindor boys take any new recruits, dig a hole, throw you in, throw in a bunch of spiders, and tell you good night! They even use a shovel so they won't get caught by detection magic! They're that serious about it!"

"I'm sure you can handle it," said the hat. "GRYFFINDOR!"

A now white as a sheet Ronald Weasley approached his house table with much dread. As he got closer he realized it was worse than he thought. His own brothers, the twins Fred and George, were brandishing a large shovel and a glass bottle filled with spiders.

And Ron whimpered. As Ron walked to his table he said, "At least I won't be alone."

Then another Gryffindor at the table said, "Uh...that's not an official Gryffindor initiation. I've only ever seen Weasley brothers do that to the newest Weasley arrival."

Ron, horrified, asked, "So...not every Gryffindor will be thrown into a pit of spiders?"

"Nope, just you."

Ron whimpered even more, which Fred and George, naturally, found hilarious.

####

Grammarly Fail, "Alright bring up the next boat, I mean student!"


	6. Chapter 6

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 6

What if Nearly Headless Nick got a Different Reaction from the Children?

And what Professor Quirrell needed Help with His classes?

By

Jason Richard

As Harry and the others enjoyed their first feast at Hogwarts, suddenly ghosts started appearing out of the walls to join the festivities. There were friendly looking ghosts and scary ones too. Each Hogwarts House also had an official ghost presiding over it. The one for the Gryffindor Table was named Sir Nicholas, and as he introduced himself to the new students, his silvery transparent form floating above them, one student brought up a rather sore spot for the gallant spirit.

"I know you," said the young wizard. "You're nearly headless nick."

"Nearly headless?" asked Hermione. "How can you be nearly headless."

Sir Nicholas, tired of getting asked this question over and over, said, "Like this." and pulled his head off, so that only a small flap of skin connected him to his neck.

And Children screamed hysterically.

"Oh dear," said Sir Nick, putting his head back as many eleven-year-olds fled the halls in terror and those that stayed still cried in terror.

"I'm scared," said One.

"There's nothing...," said a very flustered Sir Nick.

"I wanna go home!" said another.

Sir Nick, "There's really no need to…"

"I want my mommy!" said another.

Sir Nick sighed, and as children continue to cry in fear, Harry wondered something.

"Sir Nick," asked Harry. "You're a ghost, and probably hundreds of years old by now."

"Yes," said Sir Nick nervously.

"So this can't be the first time someone has asked you why you're called Nearly Headless Nick," said Harry. "Or for that matter the first time you've answered their question like this. With all the students that come in, someone is bound to ask you that question at least once every year."

Sir Nick didn't answer.

"Sir Nick," said Harry. "Do you...forget what happens and show new students your partially severed neck every year?"

Sir Nick hesitated, and then, "Oh Look a ghost dog bye!"

And he zoomed off.

…

Quirrell paced back and forth in his office, waiting for the moment when the class would start. It was his first class after all. Well...his class officially. The dark spirit inhabiting the back of his head, hiding beneath his turban, would argue differently.

"Alright Quirrell," said Voldemort. "We may be waiting to get the Philosopher's stone, but that doesn't mean I can't take advantage of this chance. I will be teaching defense against the dark arts, as I wanted to do all those years ago. I'll whisper what to say and you say it."

"Can't you use telepathy?" asked Quirrell.

"Quirrell," said Voldemort. "I've learned I can't keep diving into that pathetic mind of yours. I'm afraid the incompetence is going to rub off on me. That last vision alone was…" he shuddered. "The most horrifying piece of stupidity I've ever seen."

"But my lord," asked Quirrell. "Santa Claus really is real!"

"SILENCE!" Voldemort bellowed.

It took a moment for Quirrell to calm back down, but then he got nervous again.

"This is stupid," said Quirrell. "Someone's going to notice."

"Not if we are careful," said Voldemort. "So long as you do everything I tell you we'll be fine. Are you with me or not?"

Quirrell, "Do I have a choice?"

Voldemort, "Depends. I have no body of my own, my magic is shattered, and I cannot harm you without harming myself. What are you going to do against such a helpless creature?"

Quirrel, "Do everything it says like a simpering coward?"

Voldemort, proudly, "That's my henchman!"

Quirrell just sighed and walked towards the classroom.

"Remember," said Voldemort, "Say everything I say.

Now faced with a classroom full of students Quirrell stood at the teacher's podium and swallowed nervously. He took a deep breath and waited for instructions.

"Welcome," whispered Voldemort under the turban. "To the defense against the…"

"What?" asked Quirrell Nervously.

"We didn't say anything," said one of the students.

More Nervous than ever, Quirrell waited again.

"Just a little louder then," said Voldemort Irritably. "Welcome Students, to the defense against the…"

"Master I cannot hear you," said Quirrell under his breath, getting more and more nervous as the students looked at him funny. "You keep...um…"

"Keep what, Quirrell?" asked Voldemort, an angry edge in his voice.

"Um…" said Quirrell. "Mumbling."

"Quirrell," said Voldemort with an angry hiss. "The dark lord does not mumble."

"I'm sorry master," said Quirrell.

"Alright we're probably getting looks," said Voldemort, and it was the understatement of the year. "Alright, I'll just have to use telepathy. At least this spell still works."

And Voldemort thought, Legilimens.

Inside Quirrell's mind:

" _Ho ho ho!" said Santa. "For being just a good little boy, for Christmas, you get to be the new Minister of Magic._

 _Quirrell, "Hooray!"_

Back in the real world:

Voldemort, "And telepathy is out...forever. Alright, Quirrell, just...do whatever lesson you want."

"Alright," said Quirrell agreeably. He cleared his throat, then said, "Welcome students, to the defense against the dark arts class."

Voldemort grumbled under the turban.

"Today," said Quirrell, "We will be talking about a fearsome group of creatures, pack beasts that will rip the flesh of your bones in seconds."

Children either grew a little scared or got really excited. What creature could he possibly be talking about?

"The creature I'm talking about," said Quirrell, pausing for dramatic effect. "Is the deadly...dangerous...and surprisingly adorable piranha puppies!"

Voldemort, "THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS PIRANHA PUPPIES!"

The silence that followed was chilling.

"Professor?" said one student. "Did your turban just talk?"

"Yes," said Quirrell. "Yes. It's a...a...a magic turban! I use it to remind me of things I might have forgotten."

"Yes," said the Turban. "And you've forgotten that piranha puppies are a delusion of yours. Now you will remember to bash your head against the wall...hard...to knock that stupid thought from your head like you always do when you say something delusional. Isn't that correct...Quirrell?"

Quirrell sighed and said, "Yes."

A depressed Quirrell went to the wall so he could do just that.

Voldemort, meanwhile, was fuming. Why could this man do one simple thing right? Oh well, at least he punished himself properly

Wait, though Voldemort, does Quirrell have me facing the wall?

Voldemort, "NO WAIT! I DIDN'T MEAN THE BACK OF YOUR HEA…"

WHAM!


	7. Chapter 7

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 7

What if Severus Snape thought he was Helping Harry all along?

By

Jason Richard

Warning: will be referencing information from the final book in the Harry Potter series. Major spoilers if you haven't read that far.

You've been warned.

While the idea of spending hours in classrooms having someone explain things to him had once sounded like the most boring thing in the world, taking classes about magic was an incredible experience. Learning about magical creatures, plants, and the various spells he would get to use was the exact opposite of boring. And of course being famous among the other students was pretty enjoyable too.

However, there was one class he found he was destined not to enjoy. That would be potions with Professor Severus Snape.

…

Snape paced back and forth in his office. This was it. His first class with the famous Harry Potter. He was dreading it. He'd seen the papers and knew the boy looked almost exactly like his father James Potter did at that age, and James Potter was a man Snape loathed.

Especially for stealing Lily from him.

Still, despite his looks, the boy was his beloved Lily's son too. He would try to look past everything for her sake.

So Snape strolled into the classroom giving his customary announcement, then turned and saw Harry Potter. He sneered. The boy looked exactly like his loathsome father, from the forehead to the chin, to that hair to the eyes…

No, Snape realized. Not the eyes. Those eyes...those vivid green eyes...those were Lily's eyes. Suddenly Snape couldn't bring himself to hate this boy...even if those eyes were attached to all that...James Potter.

Wait, thought Snape, if I picture it hard enough I can see those eyes without the rest of him. Yes, just a pair of vivid green eyes floating by themselves and looking right at me…is actually ten most terrifying image I've ever come up with. But...they're Lily's eyes so...I'll take it. Now, for what I've planned.

Meanwhile, Harry saw Snape go from sneering to faces he couldn't fathom in a matter of seconds and wondered what in the world was wrong with the man.

"Potter!" Snape said suddenly, making Harry Jump. "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood."

"I don't know sir," said Harry, rather frustrated that he should be asked this on the first day of class.

"Ooh! Ooh! I know!" said Hermione, her hand in the air.

"Very well," said Snape, trying to ignore the girl bouncing in her seat. "And where would you look if I tell you to find me a bezoar?"

Harry, "I don't…"

Hermione, "I do!"

Harry, "Shut up Hermione, you're making me look bad."

And Snape muttered, "Yes girl shut up, you're making him look bad."

Snape cleared his throat and said, "And finally, what is the difference between Monkshood and Wolfsbane?"

"How should I know any of this?" said Harry. "It's the first day of school for goodness sake! You haven't taught us anything! How would anyone know the answers already?"

Hermione, "I know."

Harry and Snape, "Shut up!"

And poor Hermione made a sad face.

Snape then cleared his throat and said, "Well, clearly fame isn't everything." Before explaining the answers to the questions.

Later after dismissing class, Snape was quite pleased with himself. Surely Harry will have learned a valuable lesson, that his fame won't be enough to get by at Hogwarts.

Why even the famous baby William the Infantile wasn't able to get by on his fame alone. And he successfully hexed a dragon as an infant the ultimate sleeping spell. Some debate whether or not this was intentional on the baby's part as that particular incantation does sound suspiciously like baby gibberish.

Regardless of anything else, Snape's surely this will deter Harry from abusing that fame, forcing him to rely on what Lily did. Hard work and determination.

But Harry, as he left the class, said to himself, "What a jerk. Fame isn't everything huh? I feel like abusing my fame just to spite him. Hey, you, do my homework for me and I'll give you my autograph."

Random kid, "Awesome!"


	8. Chapter 8

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 8

What if Harry's ability to fly as a bit more exaggerated?

By

Jason Richard

Despite the fascinating spells he was learning, Harry found that he wasn't particularly good at any of them. He was above average perhaps, but unlike Hermione and her mad studying skills (Ron would say mental), he wasn't exceptional.

There was one thing that Harry ending up being amazing at though. Broomstick flying.

They got onto the practice grounds as Madam Hooch instructed them on how to summon their brooms. Before actual flying practice could begin Madam Hooch had to go check on something. She instructed them not to, under any circumstances, get on their brooms until she got back.

So, of course, Draco Malfoy got on his broom as soon as she left. He started doing some pretty amazing acrobatics.

Until Harry decided that no one out flew the the boy who Lived!

"Look at me!" said Malfoy, doing an aerial loop de loop.

"No look at me!" cried Harry, flying his broom with his hands in the air, weaving through the air like it was nothing.

Malfoy, "That's nothing I…"

Harry, "Now this!" and he did a handstand on his broom while going Mach 1.

Malfoy, "Wait how…"

Harry, "And!" He did a handstand with one hand while going Mach 2.

Malfoy, "Now just a minute…"

And then Harry gripped the broom, flew around in circles so fast he was set on fire, wrote, "Harry Potter: The Boy Who Lived." in the sky with the smoke, and quickly dived the great lake to douse the fire.

The other kids applauded, and Malfoy was left dumbstruck.

"But…" the rich blonde stuttered. "But I've been riding a broom my entire life! How is he so good on his first lesson!?"

Harry landed, skidding the ground as he did and said, "Because I'm The Boy Who Lived, and I'm awesome! Copyright Harry Potter."

"Actually," said Hermione. "There have been several recorded cases where people took to a magical skill instantly, dating back as far as the 1800's. For instance…"

"There you go again," said Ron, rolling his eyes. "Do you ever stop talking about schoolwork?"

"You should know this too," said Hermione indignantly. "You're a wizard! Some of the stuff I talk about is pretty common knowledge from what I've heard. You should have known it before I did."

They sneered at each other.

Ron, "know-it-all nerd."

Hermione, "Lazy Dufus."

…

 **Years Later, Ron and Hermione's wedding day.**

Ron, "My beautiful nerd!"

Hermione, "My lovable dufus!"

And they smooched.

…

 **Present day.**

The next moment professor McGonagall appeared on the field. For a moment, Harry was frightened. Had he gotten in trouble for flying when he was told not to?

"Harry," said McGonagall excitedly. "I just saw you out there and I must say you were amazing. Follow me and…"

"Amazing was he?" interrupted Madam Hooch, who walked up right at that moment.

Harry winced. He was definitely in trouble.

"I specifically instructed you not to fly while I was gone and you did. I'm afraid that's detention, Mr. Potter."

McGonagall, "Now I know this is irregular but…"

Hooch, "Irregular? Are you, Professor McGonagall of all people, suggesting we let him off? What could possibly be so important as to sacrifice the standards and rules this great school of ours stands for?"

McGonagall, "I want Gryffindor to win Quidditch."

Hooch, "Oh well that's alright then. Have fun, Harry."

And Harry was led away, not certain how he had gotten out of that one. Then the Gryffindor Quidditch captain taught him how to play the magical sport and Harry forgot all about his confusion.

…

Later, Malfoy came up to Harry and Ron and said, "I challenge you to a magic duel at midnight in the trophy room."

Harry, "I accept."

Ron, "I'm his second."

They nodded and kept walking. Hermione, however, had heard the conversation and did not approve.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "Dueling is forbidden, and need I remind you we have a curfew?"

"What?" said Harry smugly. "The Boy Who Lived can't back down from a challenge."

"Oh?" said Hermione. "And does the boy who lived want to get expelled?"

"No one will notice," said Ron. "Dueling Malfoy will be a piece of cake."

"That's not the point!" Hermione fumed. "You could get expelled! What could be worse?"

Ron, "Torture, murder, disemboweling….

Harry, "Dead parents, a teacher who's out to get you, a homicidal maniac with magic powers who tried to kill you and might still be out there…"

Harry and Ron kept piling on the long list of things that would be worse than getting expelled and Hermione grimaced. She figured she shouldn't. She really shouldn't. But then her anger got the better of her and she pulled out her wand.

"STUPEFY!" she screamed.

As a blast of red light sent Harry and Ron flying, they shouted, "WE DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT SPELL IN THIS BOOOOOOOK!"

And they crash landed.


	9. Chapter 9

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 9

What if Fluffy was a little different?

By

Jason Richard

Harry and Ron snuck out of the Gryffindor dormitories and through the common room. They, naturally, had to meet up with Malfoy for the duel. As they were sneaking out someone snuck up behind them.

"What do you think you're doing?" demanded Hermione, following them angrily. "Do you want to get expelled?"

"Oh we'll be fine," said Malfoy. "In the trophy room and out leaving behind a hexed Malfoy before you can say peeves the poltergeist."

"Do you want to get expelled?" asked Hermione. "Or perhaps I'll teach you a lesson like yesterday."

Both Harry and Ron looked confused.

"Don't you remember?" she asked. "When I blasted you both with a stunning spell and you yelled that we didn't even know that spell in this book…actually, that last part was a little odd now that I think about it."

"Oh," said Ron. "That's what you were thinking. You kind of zoned out yesterday. I kept waving my hand in front of your blank staring face."

"Oh that's a likely story," said Hermione. "You'd rather make up such a ridiculous lie than admit I got the drop on you? Is that so unbelievable?"

"No," said Harry. "What's unbelievable is you hexing us at all."

Hermione, "Why's that unbelievable?"

Harry, "It's against school rules.

Hermione, "Oh...wow you're right, I'd never do that."

"Except now," said Ron.

Hermione, "What?"

Ron, "You just followed us a little too far."

And it was at that moment the painting shut, trapping them outside with no fat lady to let them in.

Ron, "Congratulations, you're outside the dormitories after curfew."

Hermione looked on in horror, shaking her head and saying, "No. No! I can't be expelled! I've got six and a half more years of education left! You can't take this away from me!"

And she started beating her fists on the painting, "Caput Draconis! CapUt Draconis! Let me in! We're supposed to learn calming charms tomorrow!"

Ron, "Yeah, you look like you need one."

Hermione, "SHUT UP!"

Harry, cracking his knuckles, "Well, not that this isn't interesting, but The Boy Who Lived has a duel to win."

Ron, "Are you going to call yourself that all year?"

Harry, "Yeah."

After an awkward pause, Ron said, "Okay."

And the two of them walked off. Suddenly, Hermione said, "Wait, Don't leave me alone! I don't want to get expelled alone!"

"Alright," said Harry mischievously. "You can come with us if you promise to cheer for me."

Hermione thought about it, a grimace on her face. Finally, she said, "I'll cheer **against** Malfoy."

Harry, "That'll do. Come on."

And they went to the trophy room. Or at least what they thought was the trophy room. They ended up taking a wrong turn to a room marked...The Third Floor Corridor!

Harry, "Sh! There's something coming."

And something did step out of the shadows at that moment. A creature, unlike anything the three of them had ever seen. An abomination of nature that only magic could bring to life. It was a sharp clawed, absolutely gigantic three headed dogs.

That was also a puppy.

All three kids, "AWWWWWWWWW!"

They started talking about how the giant three headed puppy was so cute. Its cute little eyes, cute little ears, and cute little noses. Slowly they walked forward, enthralled to the cute. It was Harry who realized something was up...at least for a moment.

Harry, "Uh...I know it's cute and all, but should we really be walking towards a creature that size? Oh, who am I kidding, look at those little noses!"

They walked forward slowly, mesmerized. It was Hermione who figured it out.

"Hey," she said dreamily, still unable to tear her eyes away from the cuteness. "I think that's a three headed mesmer puppy. It uses its enchanted cuteness to lure in its victims."

"Ugh," said Ron just as dreamily. "Do you have to ruin this with more of your boring stuff?"

Hermione, "You mean our school work?"

Ron, "Yeah that."

Harry, just as dreamily, "Uh guys, maybe we shouldn't be arguing…"

"I can't believe you," said Hermione, starting to get a little more lucid as she got angry. "This school work might save our life if I can remember how to deal with these!"

Ron started to get just as angry, "Oh sure, look at me I'm little Miss Hermione and I know everything!"

Hermione, "You'd know everything too if you ever studied!"

Harry, "I don't think it's possible to actually know everything."

Ron, "Sure doesn't stop her from trying."

Hermione, "And it should stop you either!"

The three headed puppy tried to bark cutely to get their attention.

All three of them, "SHUT UP!"

And the puppy whimpered and backed away.

Hermione, "You are so insufferable!"

Ron, "Insufferable? I'm insufferable?"

Hermione scowled and pulled out her wand.

Ron, "Oh come on. Even if I did believe you were angry enough to use magic on another student, what spell could you possibly know in your first year that could hurt me?"

Minutes later Ron ran screaming through the castle corridors with his rear end on fire shouting, "Hermione knows fire spells! Hermione knows fire spells!"

As he fled from Hermione, fire spouting from her wand, she laughed gleefully. Harry chased her, trying to calm her down.

"Hermione stop!" he shouted, then he put on an air of authority and said. "The Boy Who Lived commands you to stop!"

Hermione, "So help me Harry if you keep calling yourself that the boy who lived won't be living any longer!"

And Harry shut up.


	10. Chapter 10

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 10

So what happened with Quirrell and Voldemort when the Troll attacked?

By

Jason Richard

Quirrell and his dark master attached to the back of his head hatched a devious plan to obtain the Philosopher's stone. They would unleash a mountain troll in the school and while the teachers were busy dealing with that they would attempt to steal the Philosopher's Stone.

As Quirrell was walking through the corridors to where he would let the troll in Hermione ran past them, sobbing after Ron had said snidely that she had no friends.

"What's the matter with you?" asked Quirrell.

Hermione, "A boy I have no respect for and that I constantly criticize said something mean about me!"

And she turned a corner, still sobbing all the way.

Voldemort, under Quirrell's Turban, said, "Forget about the girl and continue on. Now is the perfect time to unleash the troll."

"But master," said Quirrell. "What if it posts mean things about me in the comment section?"

"Wrong kind of troll Quirrell," said Voldemort irritably. "This is a mountain troll."

"Oh," said Quirrell, thinking it over before saying. "But master, what if it posts means things about me on the mountain?"

Voldemort, "Would you get moving already?!"

And Quirrell got moving.

Soon they had released the troll in the school and alerted the teachers. Little did they notice, however, that someone had followed them. Upon hearing that a troll had entered the school Severus Snape immediately sprung into action. Lily's precious Harry would not be killed by a mountain troll this night! But then he noticed Quirrell running off suspiciously, and realized that the rest of the teachers could handle this.

Clearly, some other mischief was afoot, and that would be a threat to Harry. Snape snuck forward, following Quirrell from the shadows, and right into the third-floor corridor.

As Quirrell approached the three headed dog guarding the trap-door, Snape came up behind him.

"Well well well," said Snape. "What have we here?"

Quirrell froze, absolutely terrified, but Voldemort was pleased. Finally he was alone with one of his most faithful servants, still manning his post as a double agent at Hogwarts. Now that's dedication.

"Why hello Severus," said Voldemort under the turban.

"Huh," said Snape, confused. "That sounded like the dark lord, but that cannot be right. I must have just imagined that I heard my master's voice from under Quirrell's turban. The great dark lord wouldn't be caught dead attached to a man as pathetic as Quirrell. He'd be a huge, pathetic, and absolutely dismal failure."

Voldemort, "Must...not...smite...loyal...servant…"

Quirrell with a sad face, said, "Master, I'm sorry I make you a failure…"

Voldemort, "I AM NOT A FAILURE! Just because I'm a bodiless spirit attached to a worm of a man because I could not win a magic duel with an infant…

"Oh, great Merlin's beard I really am a failure!"

"Now I know it's not him," said Snape, chuckling. "The dark lord would never admit that."

Voldemort, "OH SHUT UP!"

"Master," said Quirrell. "Should I go for the stone?"

Voldemort, "Yes Quirrell, you should. That's the smartest thing you've said all day."

Quirrell, "Hooray! I got brains!"

And he ran for the trap-door, Snape at his heels.

And a few minutes later they both limped out, cradling their bleeding legs.

Quirrell, "So a three headed dog is pretty impressive security."

Snape, "Indeed. Three sets of teeth to watch out for."

As they walked through the hallways, they came upon the group that had gone after the troll and were surprised to see Harry, Hermione, and Ron there.

"Amazing," said Professor McGonagall proudly. "To think that the tree of you defeated a mountain troll by yourselves, and so young too!"

"All in a day's work for the boy who lived," said Harry smugly.

Hermione, "You know, I'm so glad we got through this I'm not even going to be annoyed by that."

Ron, "Still, I'm kind of amazed we got through it at all. I mean who would have thought that throwing rocks at the window, transfiguring a doorknob into a chicken, and casting a regurgitation charm on a toilet could defeat a mountain troll?"

Snape, Quirrell, and Voldemort said, with flabbergasted looks on their faces, said, "What?!"


	11. Chapter 11

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 11

What if Ron and Hermione tried a different method to save Harry at Quidditch?

By

Jason Richard

In the Hogwarts corridors later on, Harry saw Snape limping away, muttering.

"I really do hate three-headed dogs," he said, and then he saw Harry.

"No particular reason why," said Snape. "I just hate them."

Harry, "I bet you hate anything cute."

Snape almost snapped at him, but then said, "Actually I do. I find cute things quite annoying."

"Okay," said Harry, walking away. He then thought to himself that Snape was rather suspicious.

And Quirrell appeared from another corridor, also cradling a limp leg and saying, "I really do hate three-headed dogs."

"At least I know Quirrell's not suspicious," said Harry.

Later, in the Gryffindor common room, he told Ron and Hermione about it and figured that Snape must have tried to get past the three-headed dog in the third-floor corridor to get whatever's hidden there.

"But Harry," said Hermione. "I saw Quirrell limping too. How do you know he didn't do it?"

"She's got a point," said Ron.

"Duh," said Harry. "Because Snape is mean and Quirrell is nice."

Both of them, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"

Ron, "That makes sense."

"Regardless I'll need to keep an eye on him," said Harry. "Later anyway. I've got Quidditch!"

And thus they went to Harry's first ever Quidditch match. Harry got on his broom and flew up with the rest of the Gryffindor team at the Quidditch field. The Slytherins lines up across from them, and they all waited for the whistle to begin the game.

Meanwhile, Quirrell, with Voldemort hiding under his turban, got some instructions from his master as he sat down in the stands.

"Alright Quirrell," said Voldemort, whispering so as not to be heard by anyone else. "Remember that technique where you can jinx someone without your wand just by staring at them and not blinking."

Quirrell, "You mean the one we'll use this once and never mention again?"

Voldemort, "That's the one."

"Got it," said Quirrell.

Snape, meanwhile, had been following Quirrell and heard the entire thing. He knew he couldn't waste time. He too would use the wandless eye contact technique.

Soon the whistle was blown and the Quidditch game began. The Gryffindor team was doing fine at first until Gryffindor Captain and Keeper Wood was taken out by a bludger. Then the Slytherin team started pulling ahead. The only chance to win the game was for Harry to catch the snitch before the Slytherin's team got too high a score.

Unfortunately, Harry's broom started going Haywire, shaking and buckling under him like one of those cheap mechanical bulls.

"No Quirrell!" said Voldemort as Quirrell kept speaking his jinx. "Not like a silly muggle machine, like a Grecian minotaur! A Grecian minotaur!"

Quirrell tried harder, but he wasn't skilled enough to overdo Snape's counter-jinx. Snape was feeling pretty good about his ability to keep Harry safe as he also stared wide-eyed at Harry while muttering under his breath.

Meanwhile, Hermione knew immediately that someone must be jinxing Harry's broom, probably a Slytherin. She and Ron then wondered why Madam Hooch wasn't calling the came over this. It was rather odd that the referee of the game wasn't interested in a player whose broom might make him plummet twenty feet down to his death.

They got on their own brooms and flew over to talk to her.

"What do you think you're doing?" demanded Madam Hooch. "Flying up here during a game?"

"Madam Hooch Harry's broom is being jinxed," said Hermione. "Didn't you notice?'

"What that?" she asked, seeing Harry spin around like he was on particularly fast merry go round. "That's just first game jitters throwing his riding off."

Ron, "I think it's a bit more extreme than that. Look now!"

Harry's broom was now doing backflips in midair. Harry kept hoping he wasn't over the stands when he inevitably threw up.

Hooch, "You should have seen some of the stuff I made my broom do on my first game."

Ron, "Oh now that's the worst yet! It's smashing his head against the wall"

The broom went back and forth near the stadium wall and Harry's' head went Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham!

"Oh alright," said Madam Hooch, finally blowing her whistle.

As the game paused so they could figure out what was going on Quirrell stopped jinxing. Unfortunately, Snape took a second longer to stop as he wanted to make certain Quirrell had really stopped. It was during that second where Snape was talking and staring at Harry while Quirrell wasn't that Hermione looked over at Snape, concluding that he was the one behind the jinxing. She naturally pointed this out to Ron.

"So it's true," said Hermione. "Harry was right."

"Yeah," said Ron. "And it's obvious what we've got to do."

"Right," said Hermione. "Tell Dumbledore!"

Ron seemed surprised and said, "Uh... I was actually thinking of sneaking cornish pixies into his room to bite his ears off, but I guess that works too."

And Hermione scowled at him.


	12. Chapter 12

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 12

What if Dumbledore was even more eccentric?

By

Jason Richard

After Harry eventually caught the snitch and won them the game he, along with Hermione and Ron, went to talk to the other teachers about Snape jinxing Harry's broom. Unfortunately, none of the teachers believed them. Not even Hagrid.

"Snape couldn't have been doin' that," said Hagrid. "And don't you worry about what's down the third-floor corridor. That's between Professor Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel." he realized his mistake. "Did I say Nicholas Flamel? I meant professor...McGonagall. Yeah. That's what I meant."

"Professor McGonagall sounds nothing like Nicholas Flamel," said Hermione. "How could you get those two mixed up?"

Hagrid, "Oh look at the time!"

And Hagrid ran off.

Despite only that name to go on the three of them started looking through library books for Nicholas Flamel, but found nothing. They were at their wit's end until Hermione suggested they look in the restricted section. Getting in there would be tricky, but they agreed it was worth it.

They figured it should be done during Holidays, as there were fewer people around. Harry, not wanting to go back to the Dursleys, stayed at Hogwarts while Ron's family was visiting one of his brothers out of the country, making him stay at Hogwarts as well. Hermione was the only one who left, leaving them with the task of finding that information.

Harry and Ron did get presents that morning, mostly from Ron's mother, who was nice enough to send Harry some things two. They got some sweets, fruitcake, and a sweater for each of them among other things. Harry, interestingly, had one very unusual gift that surprised him. In fact, he looked at it in astonishment.

"Ron," said Harry. "This...this is a cloak that makes you invisible. There's no name, so who sent it? Who would just give as a gift something like this? I mean...imagine the things you could do with this. We can sneak into the restricted section. We can sneak anywhere. The places we could go...the mischief we could cause...this is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen!"

Ron, "Oh, Cool."

And Harry looked at Ron funny.

Later, Harry decided he would sneak into the restricted section under the cloak. He did so but didn't find anything on Nicolas Flamel. As he went back he almost ran into Snape. Since it was in the dead of night and there was a curfew he made certain not to make a sound as he ducked into an open room.

Inside he found a giant mirror. At first, it seemed to be an ordinary mirror, until it revealed something, a reflection that was in the mirror and not the real world.

His parents, standing over his shoulders.

Harry looked back, taking off the invisibility cloak, but no one was there. He turned to the mirror again and there they were as he'd seen them in pictures, smiling at him and putting their hands on his shoulders. Harry, confused, put his own hands on his shoulders, but of course felt nothing there. This just made him even more confused.

"I see you have found the mirror of Erised," said a soft voice behind him.

Harry turned to see Professor Dumbledore, smiling at him kindly.

"I'm sorry," said Harry nervously. "I know I shouldn't be out of bed."

"It's alright Harry," said Dumbledore. "I'll let it slide this once. I can hardly fault a young boy for expressing curiosity when he hears of a legendary magical item being kept at the school, especially when it reveals what this mirror reveals."

Actually, Harry thought, I was sneaking into the restricted section in flagrant violation of even more school rules than just curfew, but I don't think I need to mention that.

"Harry," said Dumbledore. "You see your parents, don't you?"

"How…" Harry stammered. "How do you know that?"

"This mirror," said Dumbledore. "Shows us the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts. The happiest man alive would see only his own reflection staring back at him"

"I see," said Harry. "And why do you have it? Are you studying it? Or perhaps using its power to protect some Hogwarts secret?"

"Actually," said Dumbledore, suddenly turning mischievous. "I like to spy on people when they walk in on it. You wouldn't believe some of the things people do when they think they're alone with their deepest desire."

…

And now, what Dumbledore saw people do in front of the mirror.

Ron, a pleased look on his face, "You mean I'm the new Quidditch captain, head boy, Hogwarts Headmaster, the new minister of magic, and was the real boy who lived all along? I knew it!"

Hermione, an overwhelmingly happy look on her face, "You mean I did so well on all my exams that you had to make up a higher grade than O for outstanding? Oh, happy day!"

Nevil Longbottom, shocked, "You mean I got the lowest possible passing grade in every class? That means I didn't get a failing grade. Whoo Hoo!"

McGonagall, an irritated look on her face, "Well, I know this is fake. The class is actually paying attention."

Malfoy, a maniacal look on his face, "Finally, the money is mine! Gold! Riches! Fortune! Mwa ha ha ha! What? Who cares about my parents funeral? Did you not notice I'm rich now?!"

Snape, his face lit up with adoration, "I...I love you too! What's that lily? Yes...I _am_ manlier than James Potter aren't I?"

…

"Wow," said Harry. "I wouldn't want to be caught acting like that."

"No indeed," said Dumbledore, who then got serious. "Harry I'm going to have to ask you not to go looking for this mirror again. Men have gone mad wasting their lives away in front of it. It does not do to dwell on dreams."

Harry nodded and was then overcome with curiosity.

"Professor," said Harry. "What do you see when you look in the mirror?"

"A thick pair of woolen socks," said Dumbledore. "You can never have too many socks. Coincidentally my greatest desire is surprisingly similar to my greatest fear."

Harry, "Which is?"

Dumbledore, "A thick pair of woolen socks...with teeth."

All Harry could do was give Dumbledore a funny look.


	13. Chapter 13

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 13

What if Voldemort tried one last method to reach Snape while at Hogwarts?

By

Jason Richard

The three finally found a book on Nicholas Flamel, after hours and hours of searching through the library.

"It's right here," said Hermione excitedly. "Nicholas Flamel is the creator of the Philosopher's Stone...or Sorcerer's stone depending on who you ask. It can turn base metals into gold and is a key ingredient in the elixir of life, a potion that grants immortality. Apparently, he created it while trying to find a potion to cure stomach ache's."

Ron, "Wow. He tried to cure stomach aches and ended up curing death. Go figure."

Harry, "But now we know what's Snape's after. He wants the Sorcerer's Stone for himself. Well, we can't have that. The Boy Who Lived will not stand for such greed! I will fight Severus Snape beginning today!

"At Quidditch, where he is going to referee, I will give him no reason to call foul on me!"

…

Snape, "Foul! Harry Potter!"

Harry, "Doggone it!"

They still won the game with Harry catching the snitch at an awesome dive bomb, but the really strict refereeing from Snape had made the Gryffindor's game much more difficult. Snape, naturally, saw nothing wrong with this.

"I will keep an eye on Harry to stop Quirrell from jinxing his broom," said Snape to himself as he flew above the stadium watching like a hawk. "But it mustn't look like I'm playing favorites with Harry. I'll just be really tough on him and his team. No one will suspect any funny business from me!"

Meanwhile, Harry complained to Hermione and Ron, "Snape clearly played favorites with the Slytherins out there. There's some funny business with that guy!"

Later, after the game, Harry saw Snape dragging Quirrell by the scruff of the neck into the forbidden forest. It was time to investigate, so he got on his broom and very slowly flew towards them, careful not to make a sound as he hid in the trees above them.

"You don't want me as your enemy Quirrell," said Snape. "You should really think about where your loyalties lie."

Quirrell, meanwhile, babbled in terror, unable to form a coherent word. It was Voldemort, still hiding under the turban, who ended up trying to communicate with Snape.

Alright, thought Voldemort, we're out here in the middle of nowhere with no one to see us. This might be my last chance at contacting one of my most loyal servants. Speaking to him didn't work, so it's time to use Telepathy one more time. Here goes nothing…

Unfortunately for Snape he tended to think things that the Dark Lord wouldn't like, such as him serenading Lily Evans under the moonlight (he tried to suppress thinking of her as Lily Potter), rowing Lily Evans in a romantic boat, getting her flowers, and other such romantic things. Even as Snape was roughing up Quirrell such things passed through his mind.

And it was in such a state that Voldemort said under the turban, "Legilimens!"

In Snape's mind:

"Oh Lily Evans," said Snape, kneeling before his beloved with an engagement ring. "It would make me the happiest man alive, if you…"

"Severus," said Voldemort, not pleased. "Just what do you think you are...well...thinking about?"

"Uh," said Snape nervously under the watchful gaze of his former master's mind. "I'm imagining having Lily under the imperious curse?" Unfortunately, this all being in his head, he couldn't help but say, "I'm sorry Lily...I'm sorry Lily...I'm sorry Lily...I'm sorry Lily...I'm sorry Lily...I'm sorry Lily...I'm sorry Lily...I…"

Voldemort, "I heard that."

Snape, "Doggone it! Uh...I mean...I meant for you to hear that...to show just how well I can alter my mind so that even a Legilimens can't read it...because of course, Dumbledore would use a Legilimens to verify my loyalty." and he couldn't help but add, "Please don't notice I'm lying...Please don't notice I'm lying...Please don't notice I'm lying...Please don't notice I'm lying...Please don't notice I'm lying...Please don't notice I'm lying…"

"Wow," said Voldemort in awe. "It must be good. It's even fooling me!"

Snape, "Yeah I actually didn't expect you to be stupid enough...I mean yes! It's fooling even you! Who is unfoolable! That's how dedicated I am to serving you!"

Voldemort, "I don't think unfoolable is a real word, but it's complimenting me so if it isn't' I'll make it one when I rule the world."

And he started doing the evil laugh. Snape joined in as well.

Meanwhile, back in the real world:

Quirrell had been standing there awkwardly as Snape still looked him in the eye. Quirrell rather suspected that Snape had stopped paying attention to him, but Quirrell was too terrified to run. He regretted not doing that when Snape and Voldemort started the evil laugh.

Quirrell, "They're going to kill me, aren't they? Wait, maybe I shout evil laugh too! That might stop it!"

Harry, watching, didn't get the entire conversation, but saw Snape evil laughing.

Harry, "I knew he was evil! It's so obvious!"

Then he noticed Quirrell's turban, also evil laughing, as well as Quirrell himself.

Harry, "An evil laughing turban? While he's evil laughing himself? Wow. Professor Quirrell sure is eccentric isn't he?"


	14. Chapter 14

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 14

What if Hagrid got to keep his dragon?

By

Jason Richard

"That's crazy talk!" said Hagrid as Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat sipping tea in Hagrid's hut. "Snape wouldn't be trying to steal the Sorcerer's Stone. He's one of the teachers protecting it. You misunderstood."

"No I didn't," said Harry, seeing a weird, egg-shaped object in the table. "That's weird. Suddenly I don't care about the potential theft of a powerful magic item and just want to know what that weird thing is."

"Oh," said Hagrid proudly. "That's a dragon egg. I've always wanted a dragon of my very own."

"You cannot be serious," said Hermione. "Don't you know how dangerous dragons are? There's a reason they're illegal for anyone but a trained professional to handle."

 _And now, two opposing viewpoints._

What Hermione actually said:

You can't handle a Dragon. They have razor sharp claws that can tear a man to shreds, fire breath than an incinerate a man in seconds and magically enhanced scales that can deflect spells! How are you going to take care of this thing?

What Hagrid heard:

Blah...Blah...Blah...Dragon...Blah...Blah...blah...razor sharp claws...Blah...Blah...Blah...fire breath...Blah...Blah...Blah...magically enhanced scales...Blah...Blah...Blah…deflect spells...blah...blah...blah...

 _And now, back in the real world._

Hagrid, "Yes, dragons really are amazing aren't they?"

Hermione, "Oh for goodness sake!"

Hagrid," said Ron. "You can't keep it. My brother Charlie works with dragons. You could get arrested."

Suddenly the door to the cabin opened and Malfoy appeared with professor McGonagall.

"Oh he's going to get arrested alright," said Malfoy smugly. "See! He's got a dragon egg and they're out of bead after hours!"

Hagrid, "Professor McGonagall, you can't possibly…"

McGonagall, "I'm sorry Hagrid. It is my duty to report this."

Suddenly, Dumbledore appeared and said, "What's going on?"

Malfoy, "Hagrid's got a dragon egg and he's going to be arrested!"

Dumbledore, "No he's not."

McGonagall, "Professor Dumbledore! Surely you don't mean him to keep it? Dragon's are dangerous, fire-breathing monsters that eat people."

"Yes," said Dumbledore, "And doesn't that sound fun?"

McGonagall, "No!"

Dumbledore, "Well too bad, because he's keeping it anyway."

Hagrid, "Hooray!"

McGonagall, Hermione, and Ron, "This is going to end in disaster isn't it?"

Harry, "Well alright Hagrid!"

Dumbledore, "Don't start celebrating. You three are still getting detention. You too Malfoy."

All three of them, "What?! Why does Hagrid get a pass and we don't?"

Dumbledore, "Because his disobedience comes with a dragon...and dragons are cool! Also, Malfoy gets extra detention."

Malfoy, "What?! My father could buy you a dragon! My father could buy you ten dragons! He could finance a dragon farm for you! Why should I be the one to get extra detention?! What does Harry Potter have that I don't?!"

Dumbledore, "Likeability."

Malfoy, "Dang it!"


	15. Chapter 15

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 15

What if Harry Noticed Something About Voldemort in the Forbidden Forest?

By

Jason Richard

"So," said Ron hesitantly as they walked outside the castle at night. "Our punishment is going into the forbidden forest?"

"Yes," said Filch happily, holding a lantern as he led Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco there.

"The forbidden forest," said Ron. "The forest that's off limits to students?"

"That's the one," said Filch.

"Some...like my brother...would call that a reward," said Ron. "Going into a place that's normally off limits."

"Well it's not," said Filch. "There are werewolves and ghouls and goblins and spiders," (Ron Gulped at that one) "And boggarts and all sorts of nasty things."

Ron, "Fred and George would still consider that a reward. You...you didn't have this be one of their detentions did you?"

Filch, "Shut up!"

And Ron shut up. Malfoy, however, decided to try something.

Malfoy, "If I get my father to pay you a small fortune, will you let me off the hook and not tell anyone?"

Filch, "No, because that would be one less child suffering. Shut up!"

And Draco shut up. Harry, however, got a little curious about one thing.

Harry, "Mr. Filch?"

Filch, "What?"

Harry hesitated, then asked, "Why are you using a lantern and not your wand?"

Filch, "SHUT UP!"

And Harry shut up, making Hermione the only one smart enough to not ask Filch questions.

They reached Hagrid at the edge of the forbidden forest who told them their objective. A unicorn had been wounded in the woods and they were going to look for it. They divided up into two teams, Hagrid with Ron and Hermione, and Harry with Hagrid's dog fang and Draco. Harry and Draco were not pleased with this arrangement and spent most of their time in the woods glaring at each other.

Meanwhile, the one who had hurt the unicorn now stood over the poor creature and licked his lips hungrily. The figure in a dark cloak grinned as it prepared to drink the silver blood. Unfortunately, his attempt to do so was rather awkward as it was Voldemort, still on the back of Quirrell's head, that intended to drink. As Quirrell lay back so the back of his head could reach down and drink he had to hold himself up with his arms so as not to smother the dark lord in the wounded unicorn's flesh, which proved to be rather uncomfortable.

"Master," protested Quirrell. "My arms hurt."

Voldemort, "Put your back into it servant!"

Quirrell, "But my back hurts too!"

Voldemort, "Silence and let me drink fool!"

And Quirrell whimpered.

A few moments later and unsuspecting Harry and Malfoy walked up, still glaring at each other. Voldemort noticed immediately. Harry, out here with Voldemort, a faithful servant, and the son of a faithful servant? This was an incredible opportunity, as the dog wouldn't be a problem.

"Quirrell," said Voldemort softly. "Stand up."

Quirrell, relieved, did so, and Voldemort spoke softly, confident that they wouldn't see Quirrell under this hooded cloak.

Voldemort, "Hello boys, I…"

Draco, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" And the blonde boy ran off, Fang at his heels.

"Apparently Lucius raised a coward," Voldemort whispered to himself, then he turned back to Harry and said, "Well well well, what have we…"

It was then that Harry started sniggering.

Voldemort, "What? What's so funny? I'm a man in a dark cloak who just spent the last few minutes drinking blood from a unicorn. How can that be funny?"

Harry pointed and said, "I can see your hands...and the heels poking out from under that cloak. You're head's on backward.'

Because of course, Quirrell was facing backward so Voldemort could face Harry. It was understandable that Harry would get that impression.

"Well isn't that scary?" said Voldemort with as much intimidation as possible? "Isn't that a frightening, misshapen monster?"

Harry, "Why would I be afraid of that? A monster that has to run backwards to chase someone. I wouldn't recommend you do that. Actually, please do, I'm sure that would be hilarious."

Voldemort, "Why you little…"

Draco, "AAAAAAAAAAA!"

And Draco Malfoy ran between them, still screaming his head off before disappearing into the woods again.

Voldemort, "So Lucius raised a moron as well as a coward. Lovely."

Harry shrugged, "Yeah I almost would have preferred a smarter school nemesis. Looking smarter than him seems too easy."

Voldemort, "Well back to me being scary."

Harry sniggered.

Voldemort, "Shut up!"

Harry, "Seriously mister, if I kick you between the legs I know I'll miss your groin but I'll still be kicking your butt."

Voldemort, "That's you, I'm going to…"

Draco, "AAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Voldemort, "Oh for goodness sake!"

For, of course, Draco ran between them.

Voldemort, "After him! The boy needs a lesson in how not to be an idiot!"

And Quirrell ran after him. Of course, Quirrell couldn't see with his face covered by the cloak so he kept running into branches, and all Harry could see was a man with his head on backward banging the back of his head as he ran.

Voldemort, "This isn't the (thump) end Harry Potter! I (thump) will be back. We will finish (thump) we will finish (thump) OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE YOU FOOL WILL YOU TAKE OFF THIS HOOD AND WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"

And it was that moment that the cloaked figure disappeared, Leaving Harry quite amused by the situation.

And then a centaur showed up.

Centaur, "Hello, I'm Firenze."

Harry, "I'm Harry. Are you a centaur?"

Firenze, "Yes."

Harry, "Cool."

Firenze. "Thank you. Oh by the way that cloaked figure was actually Voldemort."

Harry, "AAAAAAAAAAAA!" and he ran off into the night, leaving Firenze alone.

Firenze then rubbed his hand together gleefully and said, "Alright, time to do centaur stuff."

And by centaur stuff, Firenze meant break karaoke, where he sang:

"Never gonna give...you...up!

Never gonna let...you...down…

never gonna run around and...desert you!"

Other centaurs, "THAT'S NOT CENTAUR STUFF!"


	16. Chapter 16

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 16

What if the trio got a bit more scratched up during the challenges?

By

Jason Richard

Harry, Hermione, and Ron all agreed that Voldemort and his obvious henchman Snape had to be stopped. Dumbledore was conveniently...or inconveniently...away from the school, so it was up to the three of them. They snuck out of the Gryffindor dormitories under Harry's invisibility cloak and made their way to the third-floor corridor.

Inside they found Fluffy the three-headed hypno puppy fast asleep as an enchanted harp played a lullaby. Not wanting to get distracted by the hypnotic cuteness the three snuck to the trapdoor and jumped down, landing in something soft...

That turned out to be black vines that immediately wrapped themselves around the heroes.

"What is this?" asked Harry as the Vines tied him down.

"Devil's snare!" cried Hermione. "It will strangle us to death."

Ron, "What do we do!"

Hermione, "I'll set it on fire! I know the spell!"

Ron and Harry immediately relaxed because clearly, Hermione's studies had prepared her for this. What they didn't realize was that relaxing was the way to get past this particular trap as this brand of devil's snare released those who didn't move. Harry and Ron immediately dropped through the devil's snare to a spot underneath. Hermione, however, thought they had been swallowed by the plant.

"Harry!" she cried. "Ron! Don't worry, I'll save you!"

And fire flared up in the plant. Harry and Ron shouted for her to stop, but it was too late. She finally fell through the plant, smoking, landing next to the others. She got up, dusted herself off, and looked up, immediately becoming confused.

"But…" she stammered. "You two are alright. What happened? I thought…" she then noticed Harry and Ron looking at her very uncomfortably. "What's wrong?"

Ron, "Um...Hermione, I don't know how to tell you those, but that fire burned something very specific...some might say embarrassingly specific."

Hermione, "Well my clothes are fine," she said as she looked herself over and reached around. "I don't feel anything. What could…"

And then she touched the top of her head. Her hair was gone. Almost all of her hair was completely gone.

…

All throughout the castle, everyone woke up to a high pitched scream, including Draco Malfoy in the Slytherin dormitories.

Draco, "Huh. I should be annoyed that I've been woken up, but for some reason that scream makes me feel really happy. Weird."

…

Hermione was silent as they walked through the area beneath the trapdoor, for obvious reasons, and eventually, the trio came to the next obstacle guarding the sorcerer's stone. This room was filled with keys, each flying in the air on bug wings. There was also a broom in the middle of the room.

"Well I guess the one with the broken wing is the one I'm after," said Harry, pointing at the one that flew wonkily. "Seems a little convenient."

"You got this," said Ron. "I mean it's not like you'll go bald from flying keys."

Hermione scowled and said, "Bring that up again and your hair will never grow back from what I do to it."

Ron backed up and said, "Sorry."

Harry then took a deep breath and jumped on the broom, flying up to get the key. All of a sudden the other keys attacked. Turns out they didn't just have wings like insects. They had stingers too.

Harry, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Five minutes later they were through the door and Harry's face was swollen from stingers.

Harry, "I think I'd have preferred getting my hair burnt off."

Hermione, "Yeah I can't say I blame you. I suppose I should point out that given our luck Ron is probably next for some sort of pain."

And Ron whimpered.

…

Malfoy lay back in his bed with a big grin on his face and said, "I feel really good right now."

Crab and Goyle in their respective beds, "Why?"

Malfoy, "I don't know, but I feel really good right now."

…

Harry, Ron, and Hermione came upon a room filled with a giant chessboard and massive chess piece statues. Clearly, the intention was for them to play their way past the room.

"Greetings," said the King of those pieces. "None may pass unless they defeat me in a game of chess. Be warned, I have been enchanted with the skill to defeat anyone, and have anonymously challenged men like Emanuel Lasker, Jose Casablanca, and even Garry Kasparov!"

Harry, "We don't know who those are."

White King statue, "Neither did the author of this fan parody until he googled them. Now get into the squares with missing chess pieces so I can have you captured and smashed by my pieces!"

Harry, "Actually, I don't think we need to bother. The pieces can't move and we can just go around them where there's no chess board. Look, the back door's even open."

Ron, "Oh but I'm good at chess! This was going to be the part where I, the kid with low self-esteem, prove his worth!"

Hermione, "It would also be the seen as the challenge that was kind of imaginative but also made the least sense. I mean it's kind of like your security being chutes and ladders. What's the point?"

Ron, "Aw."

As the kids walked around the chessboard the White King said, "Hey! Hey, you get back here! You fight me properly! Hey!"

As they went to the next room, finding a troll unconscious from something. As they walked Ron was disappointed he didn't get to contribute. Hermione felt really sorry for him.

Hermione, "Don't be sad Ron, at least you didn't get stung or have your hair burnt off like Harry and Me."

That did make Ron feel better...for three seconds, for after that the troll suddenly jerked in his sleep and whacked Ron in the face.

As they moved into the next room Ron, now with two rather ugly black eyes, glared at Hermione with said black eyes. She tried to say something but Ron said, "Not a word." and she kept her words to herself.

…

Draco, naturally, felt even better as he lay in his bed, and still, couldn't determine why. That didn't stop him from expressing it though.

Draco, "Oh what a beautiful Moooorning! O what a beautiful daaaaaaaaaaaaay! I've got a beautiful feeeeeeeling! Everything's going my waaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

All other Slytherin's in their dormitories, "IT'S NOT MORNING! IT'S NIGHT! SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!"

Draco, "Sheesh, what a bunch of party poopers."

…

The last challenge was a room filled with fire and several potions. The right potion would allow them to walk through the fire, while the wrong potion would poison them. There was a riddle that had to be solved in order to find the right one, and Hermione solved it pretty fast but found the idea of a riddle for security to be pretty silly.

As they walked to the final chamber, she commented on exactly that.

"I know I burnt my hair off, Harry got stung a thousand times, and Ron has two black eyes," said Hermione. "But these security spells seem easier than I thought they would be. I mean one was a board game and the other a riddle. If I didn't know any better I'd say these challenges were designed specifically with eleven-year-olds in mind."

Suddenly spotlights shone on them, and upon a stage, Professor Flitwick appeared.

Flitwick, "Welcome to the Hogwarts first year funhouse!"

Hermione, "THESE CHALLENGES WERE LITERALLY DESIGNED WITH ELEVEN-YEAR-OLDS IN MIND!?"

Harry, "Isn't this the third-floor corridor protecting the Sorcerer's stone?"

Flitwick, "Oh goodness me of course not! These kinds of challenges aren't suitable for protecting something so valuable! If this was all we could do we'd have left the silly thing at Gringotts!"

Harry, "But...but I'm pretty sure I saw a sign that said third-floor corridor. If that's the case, where's the sign that says Hogwarts first year fun House?"

 **…**

At the start of the Year:

Peeves the Poltergeist, a rampant trickster of a ghost, switched the signs between the third-floor corridor and the Hogwarts First Year Fun House.

Peeves, "Ha Ha! This is my best prank yet!"

...

Present Day:

Ron, "So what is the third-floor corridor protected by? A hypno puppy?"

Flitwick, "Why use a three-headed dog when you can use a three-headed dragon?"

All three children looked at each other in confusion.

Hermione, "Devil's snare?"

Flitwick, "Sure, but naturally enchanted against its obvious weakness...fire. We actually enchanted to it be weak against something unrelated to plants, but only Dumbledore knows that weakness."

Harry, "Flying keys?"

Flitwick, "We wouldn't keep a key to a security door in the same room as that door. Dumbledore has the key on his person, and if you pick the lock or something you're attacked by magic wasps."

Ron, "Statues you have to beat at chess?"

Flitwick, "Statues that crush you regardless unless you know the password. Seriously, a muggle computer could get pass a chess challenge. That would just be embarrassing. And to answer further questions we have an intelligent troll guarding it, and a fire spell that can only be bypassed by a potion carried by...you guessed it...Dumbledore. Seriously, what do you take us for? By the way, what happened to you three anyway? You all look terrible."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione glared at him angrily.

As the three left the funhouse, disappointed that they'd gone the wrong way, Ron had a thought.

Ron, "I hope a bunch of other first years didn't wander into the third-floor corridor, lured by a sign that said 'funhouse.'"

…

At the end of the year, when the mistake was discovered:

Severus Snape and Hagrid stood outside a room, looking at the sign that said Hogwarts first year funhouse, and the three-headed dragon that guarded the first room.

Snape, "Hagrid, be honest, exactly how many unsuspecting first years has this thing probably eaten?"

Hagrid looked like he really didn't want to answer that, and hesitantly said, "Um...none?"


	17. Chapter 17

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 17

What if Harry misunderstood who he was fighting against?

By

Jason Richard

So Harry Potter ended up going alone to the actual third-floor corridor. Hermione, still bald, and Ron, still with two black eyes, decided they'd had enough. If the traps were as dangerous as Flitwick said Snape didn't stand a chance as far as they were concerned. They were curious as to why Harry was still going, covered in those bee stings as he was.

Harry, "Because the boy who lived will back down from nothing!"

Ron and Hermione, "Whatever."

So Harry went by himself. Turns out Ron and Hermione were wrong. On that night the three-headed dragon was asleep, the devil's snare frozen, the door unlocked, the statues blown to smithereens, the troll unconscious with a bump on its head, and the firewall extinguished.

Clearly, Snape and his master had been busy.

Or at least he thought Snape had. It was, of course, Quirrell and Voldemort behind everything, but Harry hadn't quite caught onto that. Voldemort had noticed Harry's obliviousness in that regard and was prepared for a dramatic reveal to completely take Harry off guard, proving Voldemort's genius at remaining undetected, even with such a hapless minion.

As they heard Harry coming up, Voldemort gave one last instruction.

"Alright Quirrell," said Voldemort from underneath the turban. "Just like we rehearsed. Harry Potter is absolutely going to be floored when he sees who was really behind it. Even if I cannot cast spells, I can at least dazzle him with my deceptive abilities!"

Quirrell, "Yes master!"

Harry finally came upon the last room, a stone chamber supported by tall columns. Harry could see the mirror ahead, but in front of that was the person who wanted the sorcerer's stone for his master.

"Why Harry Potter," said Quirrell evilly. "So you've arrived." then he noticed the stings all over Harry's face. "Good lord, what happened to you?"

Voldemort, angrily, "Quirrell!"

Quirrell, "Oh yes of course." he cleared his throat. "I suppose you're surprised to see me, aren't you Harry Potter?"

Harry, "No. I always knew you were behind everything...Snape."

It took a second for both Quirrell and Voldemort to process that Harry had said this.

Quirrell, "Um...I'm professor Quirrell. I've got the turban and everything."

Harry, "Very clever Snape, using some sort of magic to impersonate Quirrell, framing him for your crimes!"

Quirrell, "There's no magic that can impersonate people."

Voldemort, "Yes there is!"

Quirrell, "Yes there is...wait how does that help us convince him I'm Quirrell?"

Voldemort, "It doesn't!"

Quirrell, "But isn't that what we're doing!?"

Voldemort, "GAAAAAAH!"

Harry, "HAH! You did a poor job of mimicking Quirrell's turban Snape! His just corrects him, and doesn't argue with him that much!"

Quirrell added under his breath, "It doesn't in public."

Voldemort, "I heard that. Alright just...just have him look in the mirror. We're not getting the stone as we are. Maybe he can get it."

Harry, "And why would I do what you say? It's not like I'm just going to do what you tell me, Snape."

Voldemort, "I can't believe people think this child could defeat me. Quirrell, snap your fingers."

Quirrell, "Ropes or fire?"

Voldemort, "Fire. It's more dramatic that way."

So Quirrell snapped his fingers and flames danced around the room, cutting off Harry's escape. Harry found himself mightily confused.

Harry, "Wait...you can cast magic by snapping your fingers?"

Quirrell, "Well yes, but after using it once it will never be used or mentioned again."

Harry, "Like that spell you used at the Quidditch game? How many of those do you have?"

Quirrell, "Silence!"

Voldemort, "Hey Quirrell that wasn't half bad."

Quirrell, "Why thank you, master. I learned from the best."

Voldemort, "Ah! Sucking up! Now you're thinking like a proper minion! Alright now. Harry Potter, you'd better look in that mirror, or else."

So Harry, seeing no other alternative, looked in the mirror. Maybe if he focused hard enough he could make the sorcerer's stone the most desperate desire of his heart,

"I see my parents," said Harry. "And they…"

"No!" said Voldemort angrily. "You want the stone, right?! That's the entire reason you're here!"

"Well yeah," said Harry uncomfortable. "But I've only wanted the stone to protect it for a few weeks. I've wanted my parents for eleven years." Harry sniffled, "It's just not easy to change what you really want, you know Snape?"

Voldemort, "You still think we're...alright! Just...just show me to him Quirrell."

Quirrell, "Yes sir."

And Quirrell turned around, reaching up behind his head to undo the turban, Harry realized he'd never seen Quirrell take that thing off before. What was the back of this man's head going to look like? Would he be black haired? Blonde Haired? Brown haired? Harry just hoped the man wasn't red-haired, turning out to be a secret Weasley. That'd be pretty stupid.

And finally, the cloth fell away, revealing the spirit on the back of Quirrell's head. Where one would show the back of his skull, Quirrell's head showed a second face, and it was the face of Voldemort, grinning evilly.

Voldemort, "Harry Potter, at last we…"

Harry, "Whoa! Professor, don't panic, but you might want to go to the nurse's office and see Madam Pomfrey. You've got something really weird growing out the back of your head."

Voldemort, "Oh for goodness sake!"

Quirrell, "Wait, you think this is a magical growth? But I know what it actually is! Hooray! I know something someone else doesn't! That makes me feel smart!"

Voldemort, "You are not smart Quirrell!"

Quirrell made a sad face and said, "Aw man."

Voldemort, "Oh forget this, just pull out your wand and restrain the boy."

Quirrell, "Oh...I forgot my wand."

In the silence, you could almost feel the veins pulsing in Voldemort's borrowed flesh.

"Quirrell," said Voldemort. "We're here in the final chamber of a serious of death traps trying to steal a priceless magical artifact, our mortal enemy is after us, and the Hogwarts Headmaster, the most powerful wizard besides myself, could show up at any moment, and you can't even use the most important tool a wizard can carry?"

Quirrell, "Well I didn't use it in the book or the movie."

Voldemort sneering, "Why you...I'm going to...oh just..just...just strangle him! You can do that right?"

Quirrell, "Strangle him? But...but master I have very delicate hands."

Voldemort, "JUST DO IT!"

Quirrell, terrified for his life, lunged for Harry and got his hands around the boy's throat. Instantly Harry felt a burning sensation and Quirrell felt like his hands were completely on fire. When Quirrell's hands started looking like they were burnt, the skin turning dark and flaking away, he got really scared.

Quirrell, "Master, my hands!"

Voldemort, "Yes yes they're very delicate. Just keep strangling him."

Quirrell, "No master," Quirrell looked at the burns going up his arm. "They're...they're burning…"

Voldemort, "Oh put some lotion on them or something! Honestly, an eleven-year old's neck burning your skin. Of all the stupid..."

While they were having this conversation, Harry's eyes were rolled backward within his head as he started going unconscious.

Quirrell, "Master, please! I think that spell that Lily Potter cast on Harry..."

Voldemort, "I thought I told you never to mention that name! Honestly Quirrell, you are the most bumbling, incompetent, useless minion I've ever had! When I get a body of my own I'm going to…

why do I smell burning flesh?"

And right at that moment, Quirrell's burning flesh reached the face on the back of his head.

Voldemort, "Oh."

…

Dumbledore found the room with the mirror of Erised, with Harry lying unconscious and a pile of ash next to him. The spirit of Voldemort was nowhere to be seen. Dumbledore, surveying the scene, found himself a bit nervous.

Dumbledore, "Maybe I should have gotten here a bit sooner."


	18. Chapter 18

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 18

What if something unexpected stole Harry's thunder?

By

Jason Richard

That night Harry dreamed. He could hear his mother sobbing, begging, saying, "Please, not Harr!" A cold cruel voice told her to step aside, but she refused. There was a flash of green light, and then...

Harry woke up in the hospital wing feeling groggy. He looked around and found Dumbledore sitting next to his bed with a worried look on his face. Despite Dumbledore's concern, Harry started to feel good.

Harry, "I did it, didn't I? I stopped Voldemort from getting the sorcerers stone!"

Dumbledore, "Yes…" said Dumbledore hesitantly. "You...you were hurt under our watch, when we, the Hogwarts professors are supposed to look after our students. I feel like I let you down, and that's very serious. Are you sure you're alright?"

Harry, "Are you kidding? I feel great! Whoo Hoo! The boy who lived triumphs again!"

Dumbledore, "Ah! Well, that's good. Would you excuse me for a moment?"

Dumbledore got up and wet to the door, where the other teachers were waiting outside. McGonagall, Sprout, Snape, Flitwick and the others were all very concerned.

Dumbledore, whispered, "We can call off the lawyers. He's not going to sue."

Sighs of relief everywhere.

Dumbledore closed the door and went back to Harry's hospital bed, sitting down.

"I'm sure you have questions," said Dumbledore.

"Sure," said Harry. "What's going to happen to the Sorcerer's stone?"

"Philosopher's stone, Harry," said Dumbledore. "And it's going to be destroyed. Nicolas Flamel and I decided that it's too dangerous to keep around, lest Voldemort get his hands on it."

Harry, "Won't he die without the Elixir of life?"

Dumbledore, "Of course, but he has lived a long life, and for someone like him death is merely the next step, like going to sleep after a very, very long day. Of course, now that I think about it I wonder how his wife took the news."

…

Nicolas cowered behind the table as his wife screamed at the top of her lungs, "YOU DID WHAT WITH THE PHILOSOPHERS STONE?!"

And the man had to duck as a plate flew over his head and broke against the wall behind him.

…

Dumbledore shrugged and said, "Eh, I'm sure she took it well. Now, I'm sure you have other questions."

Harry, "Yes. Was it really Quirrell and not Snape that I encountered?"

Dumbledore, "I'm afraid so. Snape is not as evil as he seems."

Harry, "could've fooled me."

Dumbledore, "Yeah I've told him to work on that but he's kind of stubborn. Anyway, next question?"

Harry, "Why was the mirror of Erised there?"

Dumbledore, "That was the final lock. You see the Mirror of Erised reads a person's desires in order to determine a person's deepest desire. I cast an additional spell so that only someone whose desire was to find the stone but not use it would be able to get it."

Harry, "Wait...wouldn't that mean Nicolas Flamel himself couldn't get it? I mean his intention was to use it so that he could keep on living. Wasn't it?"

Dumbledore, "Yes, but I could get it for him since I didn't want to use it myself. If you want to get the stone so that someone else could use it then that's fine. Voldemort couldn't get it because he wanted it, and Quirrell couldn't get it because he and Voldemort were sharing a body."

"Buuuuut…" said Harry. "If one could get it so that someone else could use it, couldn't Voldemort just have detached his spirit? If he'd done that Quirrell could have gotten it so so that someone else could use it...someone like Voldemort. Couldn't he?"

Dumbledore, "Oh yes, and then he who must not be named would have gotten his body back, returned to full power, and taken over the wizarding world. Lucky they didn't think of that isn't it?"

"Yeah," said Harry nervously. "Lucky. Okay then. How come when Quirrell touched me he started burning up? I noticed this before I passed out from him strangling me to death."

Dumbledore, "That, Harry, that is because of what happened the night your parents died. Near as I could tell when Voldemort approached their house your mother Lily went to protect you while James Potter tried to fend Voldemort off. It didn't go well for him. As far as I can tell he fought bravely, but he was no match for Voldemort."

Harry, "And My mother?"

"Well," said Dumbledore. "She was a talented witch but must have known she couldn't defeat Voldemort any more than her husband could. Even so, she must have stood her ground."

"She did," said Harry. "I think I can remember that. Even knowing she would die she wouldn't step aside let Voldemort kill me."

Dumbledore, "And that's why he cannot touch you. She gave her life so that you might live, and that placed upon you a powerful magic that resides in your very skin. Love Harry. That's how your mother saved you."

Harry, "Wait...I was literally saved by the power of love? Not some special magical power or ancient prophecy? Just...the power of love?"

Dumbledore, "Pretty much."

Harry, "Huh. That feels like a plot from an 80's cartoon or a Disney movie. Kind of underwhelming honestly. Of course, now that you mention it, why has everyone praising me? I mean if you really think about it, then it was my mother who beat Voldemort, not me! If they realized that then they might not care as much about the boy who lived. If you knew this, why didn't you tell anyone?"

Dumbledore, "Well people seemed so happy believing a baby beat Voldemort. Who was I to ruin that?"

Harry, "That makes no sense."

Dumbledore, "Well it's too late for that. Does this mean you're going to tell people?"

Harry, "Hah. As if. No, I'm going to milk the fame of being the boy who lived until the day I die, having people ask for my autographs and shower me with attention. It's what my parents would have wanted I'm sure."

Dumbledore, "Huh."

That put Dumbledore's mind thinking. Maybe letting the world believe this baby was a messiah who had defeated Voldemort wasn't such a good idea. It seemed to be going to Harry's head, so maybe the time was right to take Harry down a peg.

…

"Well," said Harry, feeling good about himself as he waited outside the grand hall. "Let's go meet our adoring fans."

"Yeah," said Ron sulkily. "Your adoring fans. You're the one who actually faced Voldemort."

"Oh who cares," said Hermione, looking through her notebook furiously. "All that time we spent trying to save the Philosopher's stone has put us back on our studying."

Ron, "Finals are over already. What are you studying for the second year already?"

Hermione, "That's insulting. I've already started studying for our third year."

Harry, "Would you two stop arguing? Please? We're here. Come on. They're going to love all of us."

And as he tried to open the doors to the grand hall they wouldn't budge.

Harry, "Huh?"

Suddenly they could hear Dumbledore's voice from inside the hall.

Dumbledore, "Ladies and gentlemen an extraordinary thing happened in the third-floor corridor. This tiny little thing wandered into the forbidden room and was present as Quirrell and Voldemort tried to steal a precious magical artifact. In all other cases, any of these in the area when Voldemort appeared were blown to smithereens, but by miraculous circumstances, this one survived. Students of Hogwarts, and reporters from The Daily Prophet, I am pleased to introduce you to...the puppy who lived!"

Cheers rose up from inside the great all and they could hear the sound of camera flashes.

Harry, "This is going to steal my thunder, isn't it?"

Hermione, "Yeah."

Ron, "Probably."

Harry sighed and, playing a hunch that Dumbledore wanted him to hear that but not interfere, he pushed the doors again and of course, they opened this time. Harry sighed and went with everyone else to greet...the puppy who lived.


	19. Chapter 19

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 19

What would Draco Malfoy think of Harry's true backstory?

By

Jason Richard

And so Harry's first year of Hogwarts ended. All the students got ready to board the Hogwarts Express to go home. Well, most of them did. Harry felt like he was leaving his real home, and didn't look forward to going back to the Dursleys.

As he was preparing to board, however, he ran into someone who made leaving Hogwarts just a little bit of a relief.

Draco, "And there goes a big fat liar. Do you really expect people to believe you faced you know who in the third-floor corridor? It's about as phony a story as a baby beating him."

That made Harry angry, and he dropped his bags, turning to confront this blonde annoyance.

"Yeah," said Harry. "I did face him. And I'll admit, I didn't beat him as a baby."

Malfoy, "Hah!"

Harry, "My mother did."

Malfoy, "Huh?"

Harry, "After my father tried to keep Voldemort from getting to us my mother shielded me, not letting him past until he killed her, and her sacrifice protected me. It was her magic that beat Voldemort that night."

Draco, "Oh...So...why didn't your father's death make protective magic?"

Harry had to process that question for a moment, then he asked, "What?"

Draco, "If giving your life to protect someone makes special magic, why didn't that work for James Potter? Wouldn't he dying to protect his wife and child have cast protection magic over the both of them?"

Harry, "Huh...I don't know. Why do you ask?"

Draco, "Oh it's not like I'm curious or anything. I just like asking mean questions."

Harry, "Riiiiight. Well, I guess my father hoped to defeat Voldemort and survive, while my mother knew she was going to die. It was the deliberate sacrifice so that I could live that made that magic."

Draco, "So the ultimate magic that can defeat a dark lord is suicide?"

"She saved my life!" Harry said angrily. "What on earth is wrong with you?!"

Draco, "I'm a Slytherin."

Harry, "Oh...right...pure evil."

Draco, "And proud of it! And my parents are proud of that too...you know...the living ones?"

And Draco marched off with a smile on his face. Ron and Hermione quickly came up to Harry to comfort him.

Hermione, "Don't listen to him, Harry. Both your parents did everything they could to protect you."

Ron, "And even if it didn't work out perfectly, they were both awesome.

Harry nodded, saying, "Thanks."

As he picked up his luggage to board the train with them he did spare Malfoy one last thought. He hoped that jerk got some sort of comeuppance soon.

…

Draco Malfoy sauntered through the Hogwarts with that same grin he'd worn talking to Harry Potter, pleased with the burns he'd gotten on Lily and James Potter, and therefore Harry. He was feeling pretty pleased with himself.

That is until he sat down in his compartment and looked over to realize he wasn't alone.

Draco, "Professor Snape? What are you doing here?"

Snape, with an angry look on his face, "I heard what you said to Harry Potter...about Lily."

Draco, "Oh yeah that was great, comparing her noble and selfless sacrifice to suicide. Aren't I just your most brilliant student."

It was then that Draco noticed that Snape had his wand out, and was pointing it at Draco.

Snape, "You…" Snape said quietly, getting louder and louder as he kept speaking. "You...you...you've insulted her! You've insulted the most talented, kind, and beautiful woman who ever lived! And now…

"VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!"

And Snape's wand crackled with electricity.

No one outside that compartment knew exactly what prompted it, but that day everyone aboard the Hogwarts express learned a very simple truth.

Draco Malfoy screamed like a little girl.

And as Harry Potter heard that divine sound in his compartment, he started to feel really good about things.

Harry, singing, "Oh what a beautiful moooooorning! Oh, what a beautiful daaaaaay! I've got a beautiful feeeeeeeling, everything's going my waaaaaaay!"

…

So Harry got off the platform and made it back to London station where Vernon Dursley waited for him holding something pink under his arm. Harry sighed and walked over, not at all anticipating the summer store for him.

Harry, "Hello Uncle Vernon."

Vernon Dursley didn't respond, but just glared at Harry...more than he usually did. It was at that moment that Harry realized what the pink thing was under Vernon's arm.

Harry, "That's a baby pig...is that Dudley? He's still a pig? Oh wow. Hagrid said that spell should only last a month or two...wait...Aunt Petunia should be here glaring at me for this as well. Where is she?"

Vernon, "Guess."

…

"NO!" cried Aunt Petunia as she was dragged away in a straight jacket to her room in the asylum, "THAT PIG IS MY SON TELL YOU! HE WAS TRANSFORMED BY A WIZARD! THAT PIG IS MY SON! LET ME OUT OF HERE! LET ME OUT OF HEEEEEEEEERRRE!"

…

Harry, "Oh...I see." Then Harry sighed and said, "This is going to be a long summer isn't it?"

And Vernon Dursley did the most terrifying thing he possibly could have done. He grinned, and said, "Oh yes"

…

So when Harry got home he went straight to his room...AKA the cupboard under the stairs where Vernon had moved his stuff back too. Harry sat there in that incredibly cramped space and sighed.

"Yep," he said. "This is going to be a very...very...very long summer."

...

...

Next Week:

What did Voldemort do directly after losing the Philosopher's Stone?

And to all the people who may have laughed at this, thanks so much for reading! You're all awesome!


	20. Chapter 20

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Epilogue

Voldemort's Boggart

By

Jason Richard

Legend has it the position of defense against the dark arts teacher is a cursed one. Every year for over a decade Hogwarts has had to replace the teacher in that post. Students have just gotten used to getting a new teacher every year. What people didn't know for certain was that the position really was cursed. A certain Dark Lord (that you may have heard of) placed a sort of curse on that position ever since he applied for it and was denied all those years ago. The curse took the form of a boggart that appeared at the end of term to scare the new teacher away.

This year the boggart was in an unfortunate position. Technically one man had been the defense against the dark arts teacher, and the boggart was prepared to take the form of a puppy with piranha teeth to scare him off. Unfortunately, that man was dead, meaning the boggart couldn't complete the function left by its master.

Except...that another man had sort of been teacher this year. Voldemort, attached to Quirrell's head, had been correcting the man all year, so in a funny way, he'd gotten his wish to be the teacher. The boggart could complete its purpose.

It just had to go after the one who had given it this purpose in the first place.

...

Voldemort wandered through The Dark Forest, little more than a bodiless spirit, a dark, shadowy face just drifting through the night. He was tired, alone, and greatly frustrated. And yet at the same time, he was elated. He had lost the Philosopher's Stone, this was true.

But he had lost Quirrell as well.

Voldemort, "Finally, no more stupidity, no more botched plans, and no more whining about Piranha Puppies! I'm so happy I almost don't mind that I lost my chance at being properly alive again!"

And it was then that Voldemort sensed something approaching, something dark. Something that preyed on the fears of those who beheld it.

And when Voldemort realized it was a boggart approaching him, he could have burst out laughing. This was the terror that was coming for him? Surely it was no threat to Voldemort, who knew no fear. In fact, he realized it was the very boggart he had set at Hogwarts all those years ago to scare away potential Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers! Why that meant it considered him as such! And he had been correcting Quirrell all year, so he practically had been. That was a victory in of itself. Surely there was nothing that could ruin even this meager victory. He had absolutely nothing to fear.

And no matter what those hacks in the Daily Prophet said, Dumbledore was not the only wizard Voldemort ever feared. The Dark Lord feared nothing! So he welcomed this creature to try and frighten him.

And when the creature came into view it took the last shape he expected. The boggart looked like a young woman, not very attractive, and dressed in dirty, torn rags. The very sight of this woman made the Dark Lord feel cold. Voldemort would have swallowed nervously if he still had a throat.

Voldemort, "M...Mommy?"

"Yes tom," said the young woman. "It's me."

Voldemort, "No...no get back…"

"My son," she said.

Voldemort, "No...get away!"

"My precious Tom," she continued.

Voldemort, "No! Don't say it!"

"Tom," she said sweetly. "I love you."

Voldemort, "Noooooooooo! Not the power of loooooooooove!"

Then Dumbledore stepped out from behind a tree and said, "Hah! I knew it!"

…

…

End part one, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stomach Ache

Tune in (Er...log in) next week for the beginning of part two. Harry Potter and the Room of Things No one Knows About.


	21. Chapter 21

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 1

What if Dobby was a little cleverer?

By

Jason Richard

Harry Potter was let out of the cupboard under the stairs and back into a proper room after Dudley turned back into a human and Petunia was let out of the mental hospital. (Insert book 1 recap here) Vernon Dursley was getting ready to close a business deal with someone and was presenting his wife and son at his house. Harry was sent upstairs for no other reason than they didn't want their guest to find that they used to keep a boy in the cupboard under the stairs. Most people would find such an arrangement quite questionable.

I mean seriously, who does that?

Harry went into his room, however, to find a very strange creature standing on his bed. It was a grey creature the size of a small child with floppy, pointed ears, and a long nose. Also, it wore a pillowcase, which Harry thought was weird. As Harry looked on, astonished, the creature just smiled and bowed.

"Harry Potter," it said. "Such an honor it is."

"Who are you?" asked Harry.

"I am Dobby," said Dobby. "Dobby the house elf. And I've come with a grave warning. Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this year. Terrible things are about to happen. A plot has been hatched, and evil plot of terrible proportions. I mean you just wouldn't believe..."

Harry, "I get it, bad things. Right. So what bad things are we talking about?"

Dobby, "I can't tell you."

Harry, "Who's plotting them?"

Dobby, "I can't tell you."

Harry, "How do you know about this plot?"

Dobby, "I can't tell you."

Harry, "Why must I not go to Hogwarts?"

Dobby, "Because you're in grave and terrible danger."

Harry, "From what?"

Dobby, "I can't tell you."

Harry, "Well you're just a bundle of information, aren't you? Okay, just...just sit down and we'll..."

"Sit...sit down?" said Dobby, tears forming in his eyes, and moments later he was full out sobbing.

Harry. "Uh...what did I say?"

"I'm sorry sir," said Dobby, wiping his tears on the pillowcase he wore. "Dobby has never been asked to sit down by a wizard before...like an equal. Usually, I get told to fetch something...like a slave."

"You must have met some horrible wizards," said Harry.

"You've no idea," said Dobby. Suddenly Dobby realized what he said and sighed. "Oh dear. Now I have to punish myself."

Harry, "I'm sorry?"

"No," said Dobby. "I just spoke ill of the wizarding family I'm sworn to obey for life. Now I must punish myself. The wizarding family I serve makes me do the most horrible things to myself."

Harry, "That's terrible! What sort of things do they make you do? Knock your head on things? Iron your own hands? Dunk your own head in the toilet?"

Worse," said Dobby. "Dobby must...must...must compliment the young master of the house…With...Without throwing up!"

Harry had to take that in for a second, then he said, "That's it?"

"Trust me," said Dobby. "If you knew him you'd understand why that's so hard. As far as my punishment goes It's either complementing the young man or hitting myself over the head with a hammer." after a pause, Dobby said, "Say, do you have a hammer I could borrow?"

"Uh…" said Harry. "No. Um, listen...I have to go back to Hogwarts, even if it is dangerous. Hogwarts is my home, more so than this place. It's where I'll see my friends again."

"Friends that don't even write to Harry Potter?" asked Dobby, a mischievous gleam in his eye.

Harry's eyes, meanwhile, narrowed.

"My friends haven't been writing to me," said Harry suspiciously. "That is true. How would you know about that? Eh Dobby?"

Dobby backed away nervously, saying, "Now Harry Potter must not be angry with Dobby."

Harry, "That implied a reason Harry would be angry with Dobby. Wouldn't it?"

"Well," said Dobby nervously, pulling a stack of letters out of the pillowcase he wore. "Dobby knew it was dangerous for Harry Potter to return to Hogwarts, and thought that maybe he wouldn't want to go if he thought his friends had forgotten about him."

Harry, "So you stole my letters and stuffed them in that pillowcase of yours? Give them back right..."

Suddenly something very disturbing occurred to Harry.

"Dobby," said Harry. "You were keeping those letters in that pillowcase you're wearing. Are you...wearing anything else under it? Anything at all?"

Dobby, "Nope. Not even underwear."

Harry, "Keep the letters. They're yours now. I don't care what they say. I don't even like them anymore. I hate Ron and Hermione and never want to see them again. You hear me? I hate them and never want to see them again. In fact, I'll never go to Hogwarts again!" And he started laughing nervously.

Dobby regarded Harry for a moment, then said, "I don't believe you."

He snapped his fingers.

Something went smash the other room.

Vernon Dursley, "HARRY POTTER!"

Harry, "YOU LITTLE RAT!"

But Dobby disappeared with a crack, and Harry was forced to explain to Vernon Dursley what had happened. Poor Harry got locked in his room with bars on the windows. It seemed like he wouldn't be going to Hogwarts after all.

Dobby, however, wasn't convinced. He needed one last trump card to make certain Harry wouldn't go, and fortunately, he'd managed to prepare it.

…

Harry lay in his bedroom, brooding on how horrible his life was when he heard something out the window. He crawled over and pulled the blinds open to see a strange sight. There was a car flying next to the window with three red-headed Weasleys inside.

"Heya Harry," said Fred. "We've come to rescue you."

"Couldn't let some muggle keep you lock up," said George.

Harry, who at first was happy to see the three Weasleys, realized that while Fred and George were grinning Ron was scowling. Anger was written all over his face.

"What's the matter Ron?" asked Harry, confused.

Much to Harry's concern the twins both started giggling and Ron pulled out the last thing Harry expected him to. A tape recorder.

"Got this from a house elf," said Ron, stills scowling.

He pressed the recorder's play button, and Harry's voice came from the recorder, saying, "I hate Ron and Hermione and never want to see them again."

Harry, "THAT LITTLE RAT!"

And at that moment, Dobby was saying, "I'm a genius!"


	22. Chapter 22

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 2

What was Ginny Thinking that Morning at Burrow?

By

Jason Richard

"So the house elf was trying to stop you from getting the Hogwarts?" asked Ron as they flew in the flying car.

"Yes," said Harry. "I didn't mean what I said about you and Hermione. I was only telling him I didn't want the letters to make him go away."

"Oh," said Ron. "Well, that's unfortunate."

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

Ron, "I already sent a copy of that tape of Hermione.

…

Harry's recording, "I hate Ron and Hermione and never want to see them again."

Hermione, sobbing, "Why Harry?! Why do you have to be so meeeeeeeeeeeeeean!

Then she picked up her wand and gripped it tightly.

Hermione, "I going to burn your face off!"

…

Harry, "Eh, I'm sure she'll be fine. Where are we going?"

"Our house," said Ron. "The Burrow."

The burrow turned out to by a rather odd looking house. Some might suspect it only stood up because of some magic spell keeping it that way. Harry rather liked it. Of course, anywhere would be better than with the Dursleys.

The inside of the burrow met Harry's expectations of what a Wizard home would be like. While a bit messy there were dishes doing themselves, clothing knitting themselves, and moving pictures on the walls and mantlepiece. The most interesting thing in the house was a clock that didn't tell time but had hands with the Family's faces pointed towards various places. Home, school, work, and even one for mortal peril. Most of the hands were pointed towards home, and now Ron's hand pointed towards home after being pointed towards "at a friend's house."

The only oddity was the twins Fred and George, whose hands were pointed to, "Engaged in illegal activity." Harry looked over and the twins immediately turned to him and smiled, their hands behind their backs.

Harry, "What have you got behind your backs?"

Fred and George, grinning, "Nothing."

Harry looked at them suspiciously but didn't have time to investigate, for at that moment Molly Weasley, the mother of the house, came barging down the stairs and gave her three sons a look that could curdle milk.

No joke. The glass of milk Ron had gotten for himself bubbled as it curdled in his hand. All four boys looked at the milk, then looked at Miss Weasley with wide-eyed looks of terror.

"Where have you been?!" the redheaded woman demanded, her scowling face resembling a saber-toothed tiger. "You took the car for a joy ride and went who knows where doing who knows what and now you just saunter back into the house like nothing happened?! You're grounded! You're grounded for the rest of your miserable little lives! At home, you will go straight to your room and never come out except for meals! At Hogwarts you will stay in your dormitories except for class and meals, and if you get anything less than an O for outstanding on any of your exams I'll turn you into little mice and let the cat chase you all through the house you miserable little hoodlums!"

Then she saw Harry and smiled.

"Harry dear," she said. "I didn't see you there. Bacon and eggs?"

Harry swallowed nervously and said, "Thank you, Mrs. Weasley, that sounds lovely."

"We had to save Harry Mom," said Ron. "There were bars on his windows."

Molly Weasley pulled out her wand, waved it, and released two little yellow lights that flew upstairs.

"And now there are bars and all three of your windows. Congratulations!" she said, earning groans from the Weasley boys.

Before long the entire family was sitting down to breakfast. The Weasley Father got to meet Harry Potter for the first time and couldn't help but ask questions about Muggles, a subject which fascinated him greatly. He just had to know what the purpose of a rubber duck was.

One person who didn't join breakfast, however, was the youngest, Ginny. She took one look at Harry Potter and ran off. Not that she didn't like him. Quite the contrary. She had an enormous crush on him and hid up on the stairwell just thinking about him.

"Harry Potter," said Ginny Weasley in a daze. "Here. Having breakfast with us. I can't believe it! He's so amazing! The Boy who lived! Twice even! And he's here! And I'm going to school with him this year! Harry Potter! I heard he defeated you know who last year! He must have been so cool! I can just imagine it!

 _Inside Ginny's head:_

"Voldemort," said an Eleven-year-old Harry with so much confidence he didn't even flinch at saying you know who's name. "We meet again."

"Harry Potter," said you know you. "This will not go the way it did last time. This time I will destroy you."

Voldemort pulled out his wand, but Harry Potter was faster.

"Expelliarmus!" cried Harry.

Voldemort's wand flew out of his hand and Harry caught it.

"Impossible!" cried Voldemort, his eyes bulging out of his head.

"No, It wasn't impossible," said Harry, smirking as he pointed his wand and Voldemort's at Voldemort. "It was inevitable. Stupefy!"

As Voldemort was hit by two red blasts and went flying away he screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

And Harry put on sunglasses while rock music played.

Ginny, standing in the corner, looked in adoration and said, "Oh Harry you were brilliant."

"Of course I was," said Harry, extending his hand to her. "But not as brilliant as you are beautiful, my love."

 _Meanwhile, back in the real world_ :

Ginny sighed as her fantasy turned to the romance between her and Harry. Ron saw her staring out into space and wondered what was up.

Ron, "What's wrong with you?"

Ginny, "NOTHING RON SHUT UP!"

Ron walked off, shaking his head and saying, "Boy what a grouch."

Ginny just scowled at him as he left. After a few moments, though, she was back to thinking about Harry. Harry just so amazing! If he was awesome when he faced Voldemort the second time, he must have been especially awesome when he defeated Voldemort the first time, at the height of Voldemort's power.

 _Once again in Ginny's head:_

"Ah Harry Potter," said Voldemort. "We meet at last."

And a baby Harry Potter held up a wand and said, "Goo goo gah, expwellamus."

And as Voldemort's wand flew out of his hand, a very surprised Dark Lord said, "Well...this is embarrassing."

And baby Harry Potter laughed.

 _Meanwhile, back in the real world:_

Ginny, "Huh. That was significantly less epic. How'd a baby beat Voldemort anyway?"


	23. Chapter 23

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 3

What if Hagrid had a different reason for being at Knockturn alley?

By

Jason Richard

So Harry and the Weasley family got set to go to Diagon Alley and shop for school supplies. They would travel there using Floo Powder, a magical substance that you threw at your feet in a fireplace to transport yourself to another fireplace. Harry had never traveled by Floo powder before and was curious about it.

Until he saw it used.

"Diagon Alley!" cried Ron, dropping the powder and disappearing into green flames. Harry had been told this was a means of travel, but as far as he could tell Ron had been burned to death.

"You know I could just fly there," said Harry.

"Oh it's alright," said Mrs. Weasley. "No need to be scared dear."

She seemed so nice that Harry decided to trust her. He walked into the fireplace, took some powder, and prepared to make the trip.

"Remember," said Molly. Weasley. "Speak very clearly and drop the powder at your feet. It will be fine."

"Okay," said Harry. He took a deep breath and said, "Diagon All…"

Molly, "And don't sneeze or you'll explode."

Harry, "WAIT WHAT?!"

KABOOM!

Harry was gone from the fireplace, and the remaining Weasleys were covered in soot.

"Perhaps," said Arthur Weasley. "You should have told him that part first."

Molly, with an irritated look, said, "Thank you, Arthur...Thank you."

…

Harry, meanwhile, was shot out of a fireplace and found himself lying down in a dark room filled with strange odds and ends. Sharp looking objects, mummified hands, and scary dolls. Harry, sitting up and wiping the soot from his glasses, got the distinct impression that he shouldn't be there.

So he left.

He did see Lucius Malfoy and Draco go in when he looked back but figured that wasn't important.

He made his way out of that alley and got some ugly looks from the rather nasty looking witches and wizards in that alley, but fortunately, a familiar face showed up.

"Harry!" said Hagrid, scaring off the other people. The big man marched right up to Harry and led him away, saying, "What are you doing here? This is a nasty place filled with dodgy people."

"I got lost," said Harry. "But if this is such a nasty place, what are you doing here?"

"Oh nothing," said Hagrid, hiding the bag behind his back. If he hadn't have done that then Harry might not have noticed that he was carrying a bag to begin with.

"What's in the bag Hagrid?" asked Harry.

"Nothing," said Hagrid. "Flesh-eating slug repellent."

"That isn't nothing," said Harry suspiciously. "Hagrid, last year you tried to raise a dragon yourself. You haven't got something dangerous in that bag, do you?"

Hagrid, "Depends on how you define dangerous."

Harry, "Hagrid, whatever is in that bag could get you in trouble. More importantly, whatever's in that bag could get me in trouble, and I haven't started the year yet! I'm not getting detention the moment I get to Hogwarts!"

"It's nothing!" protested Hagrid. "It's just a...a...a Chipmunk."

Harry's eyes narrowed, "A chipmunk?"

"Yes," said Hagrid. "A chipmunk. A teeny little chipmunk."

Harry, "In the bag I saw?"

Hagrid, "Oaky a freakishly large chipmunk. But that doesn't sound dangerous does it?"

Harry, still with a suspicious look, said, "No. That actually sounds adorable. But you promise it's nothing dangerous?"

"I promise," said Hagrid. "On my honor."

"Good," said Harry. "That's all I ask. Like I said, I'm NOT getting detention the moment I get to Hogwarts."

"Hey Harry!" cried Fred and George. "Want to join us for some fun?!" Harry looked over to see Fred carrying ax while George carried a flamethrower…

Harry, "NO! NO! LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!" and Harry ran away. "I'M NOT GETTING DETENTION THE MOMENT I GET TO HOGWARTS! I'M NOT GETTING DETENTION THE MOMENT I GET TO HOGWARTS DOGGONE IT!"

As Harry Ran away Fred and George looked at each other in confusion.

George, "What's with him?"

Fred, "I don't know, so paranoid. Anyway it's my turn to use the flamethrower. Hand it over!"

George, "NEVER!"


	24. Chapter 24

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 4

What if Gilderoy Lockhart was forced to use Obliviate more often?

By

Jason Richard

Hermione stood in line at Flourish and Blotts. Not that there was a line for every single one of her school books. Only one very important book had a like, and that was _Magical Me_ by Gilderoy Lockhart. He was an amazing man with many accomplishments and tons of knowledge. Or at least she and the rest of the wizarding world thought.

The truth about Lockhart was that he often used memory spells on wizards who actually did amazing things and then claimed their discoveries and accomplishments for his own. He was a con man through and through, but that didn't stop him from smiling for _Witch Weekly's_ most charming smile award with no real accomplishments and not a hint of shame.

Truth be told there were second year Hogwarts students with more knowledge and accomplishments than him, and one such young lady now stood in line for his book.

When Hermione came up to get a signed copy of the book Lockhart flashed her his most charming smile as he signed.

"Hello young lady," said Gilderoy. "Here for a copy of _Magical Me_? Of course you are, it's only natural."

"Oh yes," said Hermione. "I've read all your other works. Did you really defeat the Bandon Banshee with a laughing potion? That was amazing!"

"Of course," said Gilderoy. "And it wasn't easy. I had to round up all the ingredients from scratch. Finding the five knarl quill's was especially difficult."

Hermione, "Um...Mr. Lockhart, a laughing potion requires exactly three knarl quills."

Lockhart blinked in confusion and said, "What?"

"It needs three knarl quills," said Hermione. "No more no less. Even forgetting that you supposedly defeated a banshee by making that potion from scratch, shouldn't a man of your reputation know that?"

Lockhart, "Obliviate!"

As Hermione blinked in confusion, the last couple of seconds gone from her memory, Lockhart was grateful no one had been looking as he put his wand away.

"Of course I defeated the Bandon Banshee with a laughing potion," said Gilderoy. "And it wasn't easy. I had to round up all the ingredients from scratch. Finding the...ahem...three knarl quill's was especially difficult."

"Of course," said Hermione. "A man of your reputation would know the exact ingredients of the potion needed to defeat a banshee. I just know you were amazing doing it!"

"Of course you do," said Lockhart, smiling, "It's only natural."

"Tell me," said Hermione. "Did you really get captured by trolls when you disappeared for three weeks?"

"Indeed I was young lady," said Lockhart. "And it was a daring escape from them, let me tell you, surviving out in the wilderness with nothing to eat but wild baneberries…"

"You ate nothing but poison berries?" asked Hermione. "Surely a man of your reputation would know that baneberries…"

"Obliviate!" said Lockhart, blessing his luck that no one was looking again. As Hermione blinked in confusion, Lockhart smiled and kept talking.

"Yes," said Lockhart. "I survived on nothing but wild... _Blueberries_...and barely escaped those flesh hungry trolls with my life."

"Amazing," said Hermione. "Amazing. And the way you defeated that vampire! Just how did you charm it so that it could only eat lettuce instead of blood?"

"Well it was tricky," said Lockhart. "I first had to capture it, and that meant getting together the usual vampire weaknesses. Silver, magic water, onion…"

Hermione, "Don't you mean garlic? I mean come on, even muggles know that!"

Lockhart, "Obliviate!"

As Hermione shook her head in confusion Lockhart sighed shaking his head in frustration.

Lockhart, "This is so embarrassing."

Hermione, "What is so embarrassing?"

"Oh," said Lockhart, realizing his mistake. "Um...I'm not sure how to spell your name my dear."

"Really?" asked Hermione, disappointed. "I suppose it might be that common a name, but I figured a man of your reputation would surely know something like that."

Lockharts nails raked against the wood of his desk as he grinned through his supreme irritation, his once charming smile now strained and forced.

"Indeed," said Lockhart. "A man of my reputation know a lot of things. Including memory spells."

And he raised his wand one final time, not caring how much of this girls memory he erased.

…

Hermione sat in Borgin and Burkes feeling very disoriented. She remembered talking to Gilderoy Lockhart, but most of the conversation was a bit of a blur. She couldn't help but think that her encounter with such a legendary man was disappointing, but for the life of her she couldn't figure out why.

Harry Potter, at that moment, came up to say hi, but quickly saw her disoriented look.

"Hey," said Harry, quickly frowning. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," said Hermione. "I just...feel like I've forgotten something."

"Hermione Granger forget something?" asked Harry in mock surprise. "Impossible!"

Hermione, "Hey...how do you know my name?"

Harry, "Hermione it's me...Harry...you're friend."

Hermione, "I have friends!?"


	25. Chapter 26

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 5

What if Harry was a little smarter about getting to Hogwarts when the portal closed on platform 9¾.

By

Jason Richard

It took a little coaxing from Hermione, but she finally started remembering Harry and Ron. They weren't sure what had affected her memory but were both glad that it seemed to be coming back. They just hoped she hadn't forgotten any schoolwork. It would probably drive her mad.

The next day Harry went with the Weasleys to the train station and platform 9 ¾. Most of the other Weasley's, including first time Hogwarts student Ginny, went through the portal to the Hogwarts Express first, leaving Ron and Harry to go through last.

When they tried to go through, however, they collided with the solid wall and fell over, all their luggage spilling from their carts. They got up, confused, and realized that the portal was closed.

"What happened?" asked a bewildered Ron.

"I don't know," said Harry. "But how will we get to Hogwarts?"

"Wait," said Ron. "I know, we could hijack my dad's flying invisible car!"

"And get expelled or arrested!" said Harry. "Are you insane?"

"Well I am related to Fred and George," said Ron.

"I rest my case," said Harry. "Ron, I'm not getting detention the moment I get to Hogwarts."

Ron, "Do you have a better idea?"

Harry, "Yes, I'll just write a letter to Professor Dumbledore explaining that the portal closed and send Hedwig. He'll understand."

"Oh right," said Ron. "Good idea."

Now listening in on the conversation was the house elf Dobby. He had been the one to close the portal, as he still believed Harry Potter to be in great danger. It hadn't occurred to him that Harry would use an owl to contact the school. There was only one thing to do, so Dobby left for a moment to prepare, apparating away.

As he left, however, Molly and Arthur Weasley suddenly came out through the portal just as Harry was writing the letter.

"What are you doing?" asked Mrs. Weasley. "Why didn't you come through the portal?"

"It closed on this side," said Ron.

Mr. Weasley checked and sure enough, the portal was closed.

"Well that's inconvenient," said Mr. Weasley. "Come on, I'll drive you in the car. It's a longer trip than I'm looking forward to, but it can't be helped. Lucky the portal was still open on the other side, eh?"

So they all left, relieved that things might work out. A few minutes later Dobby, not knowing that Harry was already on his way, rematerialized in the station, ready to enact his plan to keep Harry from sending Hedwig.

And it apparently involved dressing up like Elmer Fudd and carrying an elf-sized rifle.

"Alright Hedwig," said Dobby, pumping the rifle. "It's owl season." then he looked around in confusion.

Dobby, "Harry?"

…

So Arthur Weasley drove across the countryside with Molly in the passenger's seat and the two boys in the back. Arthur tried to drop hints that this would be faster if it was a flying, invisible car, and Molly insisted that it was a good thing it wasn't, as enchanting muggle items like cars were illegal.

"I agree," said Harry. "What if I was caught in an illegal car? I don't want to go to wizard jail!"

"Oh calm down Harry," said Ron. "They wouldn't arrest us, though you could potentially get detention the moment you get to Hogwarts…'

Harry, "NO!"

Meanwhile, out in the country by the road, Dobby apparate in with his little rifle. He had to stop Harry from going to Hogwarts, by any means necessary. So he waited near a stop light. Once the car was stopped he would shoot out the tires. Finally, the car stopped at a red light. Dobby aimed carefully and fired!

And a little suction dart shot from the gun and stuck to the tire. This, naturally, left the tire intact.

As the car started driving away again, Dobby grimaced.

Dobby, "Perhaps Dobby shouldn't have looked for a rifle at a place with a cartoon giraffe. If only Dobby could read!"

…

So the car got as close to Hogwarts as they could, but by then they were well within the muggle repelling charms the castle employed. Harry and Ron were given magic tethers to tie their luggage to their brooms and flew off, their luggage levitating behind them connected to their brooms by the tethers. Soon the castle was in view, and they could even see the Hogwarts Express pulling up to the station at the edge of the castle grounds.

As they approached the station, however, Harry noticed something in the distance. A very strange tree moved around and swatting at something unseen. Harry couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"Ron," said Harry. "Are there...dangerous moving trees at Hogwarts?"

"Just the one," said Ron. "That's the Walloping Willow, so named because it wallops people."

Suddenly a ball of paper hit Ron in the face. Confused, and careful not to fall off his broom, he opened it. It read:

That's Whomping Willow Ron. Honestly, read a book for once in your life!

Hermione.

"How'd she hear me from up here!" said Ron, looking around as if Hermione would be flying next to them. "Seriously, who takes the take to correct someone flying several hundred feet above them!?"

"It's Hermione," said Harry. "I'd be surprised if she didn't."

…

Finally, Harry and Ron landed and made their way to join the rest of the students boarding the horseless carriages to Hogwarts. Finally, they'd caught up. Before Harry could board, however, he spotted something hanging out by the carriages, and it appeared to be a chipmunk with a collar.

Harry stooped down and picked up the little creature and saw that the collar tag, as he expected, said:

Dyna

Owned by Rubeus Hagrid

"Huh," said Harry. "So this is Hagrid's new pet. You don't look so dangerous. At least I know I probably won't get detention because of you. I'll give you back to Hagrid when I see him, okay?"

The fuzzy little creature seemed to understand him, so Harry just put it with his bags. His snowy owl Hedwig perked up for a moment.

"No Hedwig," said Harry. "This chipmunk isn't your lunch."

And Hedwig drooped her head in sadness.

So Harry went with the others in the horseless carriages. Eventually, he went up the steps into the castle and placed his bags near the entrance with everyone else. As he made his way up to the great hall for the sorting ceremony, he finally saw Hagrid, looking quite worried.

"Hagrid," said Harry. "Looking for your chipmunk?"

Hagrid shushed him, surprising Harry.

"Uh," said Harry. "Hagrid? You okay?"

"I can't find Dyna," said Hagrid. "You know, the...totally not dangerous at all chipmunk I told you about?"

"Oh yeah," said Harry. "I found her. She's with my luggage."

"Not good!" cried Hagrid, running off. "Not good! Not good! Not good!"

"Hagrid!" protested Harry. "What's wrong? You said she wasn't dangerous!"

"Oh!" said Hagrid, trying to be nonchalant but coming off as guilty. "She isn't. Dyna is perfectly safe.

And suddenly, to Harry's horror, all the luggage at the Hogwarts entrance went KABOOM!

Harry looked back as clothing and books fell to the ground among other debris and Hagrid stood there looking guilty.

"You had an exploding chipmunk?" demanded Harry.

Hagrid thought about his answer, then reluctantly said, "Yes. She's an exploding chipmunk. Dyna's short for dynamite you see. She got out right before feeding time and if you don't feed them for a while they explode."

"Hagrid! You told me that thing was safe! Don't you realize what's just happened?! I bought an exploding chipmunk into Hogwarts and it destroyed everyone's luggage?"

"So it was you who exploded the luggage," said Snape's oily voice.

"Professor Snape!" said Harry, horrified to see the slimy looking professor. "It's not what…"

"Congratulations Potter," said Snape. "It's the moment you've reached Hogwarts and already you have detention. That's a new record."

Harry, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Snape, meanwhile, felt his heart breaking. He muttered to himself under his breath.

Snape, "Lily, I hate to do this to your son, but I cannot play favorites. Besides, this will surely drive a wedge between him and Hagrid. After the dragon incident, it's clear he's a bad influence on Harry."

Harry muttered, "I'm so angry at Snape I don't even remember why I'm angry at Hagrid…" he thought about it. "For some reason, I'm certain my anger at both of them is related, but my anger at Snape has still made me forget to be angry at Hagrid."

Hagrid, meanwhile, tried to speak up, "Actually professor, It was my fault."

Snape, "Oh look, a dragon."

Hagrid, "Awesome!"

Harry, "Hey!"

But it was too late. Hagrid was off. Snape then looked at Harry and said, "Follow." Harry, a scowl on his face, followed.


	26. Chapter 27

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 6

What did Ginny's conversations with the Tom Riddle Diary look like?

By

Jason Richard

Lucius Malfoy had an item he wanted to drop off at Hogwarts, and the easiest way to do that was to just slip it into some unsuspecting student's bag. Any student would do, except a Slytherin of course. Wouldn't want one of them to get in trouble. No, if this thing was going to cause trouble he'd want any other house to get the blame. Gryffindor would be especially rewarding.

So when he got the chance to slip this item into the cauldron of Ginny Weasley, member of a detestable low-class family that was certain to be a Gryffindor, he took the chance without a second's hesitation.

But there were things he didn't know about this item, and one thing that would have surprised him was that the item had a mind of its own. The mind of this item, unfortunately, might have picked a different student if it had been given a choice in the matter.

…

Tom Riddle, a memory saved in a magical diary long ago, waited patiently as that diary was brought to Hogwarts. It had been so long since his last visit. He didn't know much about the girl he was traveling with, but he'd soon find out. He just wished she'd try writing in this diary soon. The wait was killing him.

Finally, when Ginny had settled in, she looked at the diary, shrugged, and decided to use it. As she brought out her quill and began to write, Tom Riddle waited within those pages. Who had gotten this diary? A prospective duelist? An aspiring potions master? A soothsayer with second sight?!

 **Dear Diary,** wrote Ginny. **Harry Potter didn't notice me three times on the train.**

 _A girl with a crush on a boy_ , _lovely_. Thought Riddle. _I had hoped to learn new teaching methods that Hogwarts was using. Probably no such luck._

That fool Lucius Malfoy had kept the diary in a hidden space at his mansion, so Riddle couldn't get a sense of what was happening in the world. If Lucius had really revered the master who'd given him this diary then Malfoy would have kept it on his person at all times. But no, he'd kept him in a hole in the floor and passed him off to an uninteresting little girl. Riddle bet even this Harry Potter was more interesting.

 **Oh but Harry is just so awesome! I'd give anything to see how he beat you know who! And to do it in his first year too!**

 _Oh, a juvenile delinquent who beats people up eh?_ Thought riddle's memory. _He's already interesting. And who's this 'you know who' person? Sounds like some poser trying to copy the moniker I eventually got, 'he who must not be named.' I'll bet 'you know who' is a real loser!_

 **Now that I think about it, I suppose it's childish to keep calling him 'you know who.' I'm going to school with the person who beat him after all. I'm going to write his real name Here goes. Vol**

 **Nope. Can't do it. Maybe someday.**

Riddle's memory paused on that. _Vol? Could she have been trying to write Voldemort? No. That wasn't possible. Some child had defeated the greatest wizard who ever lived? Nonsense! The memory supposed that he'd been defeated somehow, sensed something off in the world, but to lose to a child?_

 **I wonder if we'll get to see the third-floor corridor.** Wrote Ginny. **Actually, see where Harry beat him last year. You know who. The dark lord himself. He who must not be named.**

 _It has to be someone else_ , though Riddle's memory.

But then Ginny wrote, **To think someone would beat a man that had the entire wizarding world in chaos.**

 _No,_ though Riddle's memory. _There's no mistake. She's talking about the real me, Voldemort. How can it be? A mere eleven-year-old child defeated him? I cannot be!_

 **Though I suppose he was weakened from the first time he was defeated. Now that I think about it Harry probably didn't have to do much last year.**

 _Alright,_ thought riddle. _That makes more sense. This Harry might be talented enough to defeat a Voldemort who was weakened by a great duel, but if my alter ego really was defeated years ago then surely it was a great and powerful wizard who did it._

 **Of course, that just makes me wonder how Harry beat you know who the first time when he was a baby.**

Riddle: _WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! That's it. I have to reveal myself._

So riddle put words in the diary. **Harry Potter, you say? Sounds interesting young lady.**

Ginny hesitated, then wrote back, **You're a living diary? I'm sorry. My mother says I shouldn't talk to strangers. I mean she never told me not to write to a stranger living in a book, but I'm gonna assume she would.**

 **Oh come now,** said Riddle. **You have nothing to fear from me. I'd love to hear more about this Harry. I'm sure if he's as great a wizard as you say he's bound to notice a charming young lady such as yourself sooner or later.**

Riddle's memory waited for a second for her response. Had she decided to put him away?

But then Ginny responded, **I've written some poetry about him. Would you like to read some?**

 **Of course my dear!** Riddle wrote back.

 _This is perfect,_ though Riddle. _I'll get information on this Harry Potter, and I'll have to do is read some lovey-dovey poetry written by an eleven-year-old girl._

It took a moment for that to sink it. Riddle thought, _Have I made a mistake?_

Ginny: **His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad.**

Riddle: _A mistake_. _I've made a huge mistake!_ **Ginny! Stop, please!**

Ginny: **His hair is as dark as a blackboard.**

Riddle: **Ginny? Ginny, are you paying attention? Please stop! I'm begging you to stop!**

Ginny: **I wish he was mine, he's truly divine.**

Riddle: (sigh) _At least this poem can't get any worse._

Ginny: **The hero who conquered the dark lord...twice!**

Riddle: _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_


	27. Chapter 28

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 7

What if Gilderoy Lockhart misunderstood his role at Hogwarts?

By

Jason Richard

So Harry was given detention to help Gilderoy Lockhart with his fan mail, something Harry decided he was not looking forward to. Fortunately, the professors had managed to repair most of the luggage that was blown up, though the bad news was that some people inevitably got caught with some rather embarrassing items found in their luggage.

...

Fred: "No professor, this stuff doesn't belong to us."

George: "Yeah! I mean what could we possibly even do with a plunger, duct tape, and twenty tadpoles in a jar?"

Flitwick: "I don't even want to know."

…

Of course what students were really talking about was the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. They inevitably wondered what the new teacher would be like every year, but this time it was a celebrity, so the talk was even more prominent. Surely it would be a magical experience to be taught by the man who wrote "Magical Me."

Well…

…

Gilderoy Lockhart flashed his most charming smile to the class. The girls in the class appreciated how handsome he was, while the boys in the class rolled their eyes simultaneously.

Lockhart: "Welcome, welcome, to the first Defense Against the Dark Arts Class of the year. I am Gilderoy Lockhart...but you already knew that."

Harry and Ron: "Ugh!"

Hermione: "Oh hush. Show some respect to your teacher."

This was the first time Lockhart noticed the intelligent young lady he'd met at the bookshop, and his eye began twitching.

"Well hello again," said Lockhart.

"I'm sorry," said Hermione. "Have we met? I think I would have remembered that."

Lockhart had to stifle his laughter as he said, "Well maybe. You did seem to suffer some sort of episode. If my knowledge of magical maladies is worth anything...which it is...then I suspected you were hit with a sudden case of magical memory loss...losing a year's worth of memory...so you'd have to repeat the first year...and I wouldn't have to see you again."

"That's exactly what happened!" said Hermione. "But I saved my homework notes from the first year…"

Harry and Ron: "Who does that?!"

"And it all came back to me once I read them," said Hermione. "So I get to continue my second year after all."

"Wonderful," said Lockhart, now stifling his tears. "Wonderful."

"But professor," said Hermione. "You are the Defense against the Dark Arts for every year, not just second, so even if I'd had to repeat the first year, you'd still be my teacher."

"I'm the teacher for every year?" said Lockhart. "How did I miss that?"

…

 **Earlier…**

"So which year will I be teaching?" asked Lockhart. "Ooh, a mirror!"

As Lockhart admired himself in the mirror in Dumbledore's office, Dumbledore kept speaking.

"Every year of course," said Dumble, looking over some papers. He sighed, wishing he didn't have to do this to attract teachers to this position. "That should cover you being the famous Harry Potter's teacher like you wanted. You may not get the honor of being his first Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher to teach him, but you'll at least be the second."

"Second," said Lockhart, still admiring his reflection. "Got it. I'll remember that."

…

Lockhart, "I really should have been listening to that entire conversation. It did seem like a lot of textbooks to order for just the second year."

"I'll say," said Harry. "I wonder what the other years been doing while you weren't at class."

…

The fifth-year students waited for their professor in an empty classroom, getting quite bored. They had waited half an hour, and Gilderoy Lockhart had yet to show up.

Random Student: "So...should we just do study hall, or what?"

…

Every boy in the class was trying to stifle their laughter, while every girl looked disappointed.

Lockhart, meanwhile, was thinking, _I have never needed to memory wipe an entire room so much._


	28. Chapter 29

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 8

What if students had given a different reaction to Ron's messed up spell?

By

Jason Richard

So later that day Harry did get to continue quidditch, despite his detention later that day. Quidditch captain wood booked the field for Gryffindor practice, but once the team got there, they were surprised to find the Slytherin team approaching as well.

"What's going on?" demanded wood. "We booked the field today."

"Easy wood," said the Slytherin captain. "I've got a note."

The note said that professor Snape gave the Slytherins permission to practice to train their new Seeker. To Harry's surprise, the new Slytherin seeker was none other than Draco Malfoy.

"Malfoy?" asked Harry. "How did you get to be Slytherin seeker?"

"Simple," said Malfoy smugly. "I'm the best seeker Slytherin has ever seen. Isn't that right captain flint?"

The Slytherin captain pretended not to hear him, which made Malfoy annoyed. But Malfoy just rolled his eyes and handed Flint a couple of gold coins.

Flint: "He's right, Draco is the best seeker Slytherin's ever seen."

Draco: "Thank you."

Flint: "Don't mention it."

At that moment Ron and Hermione arrived. They had been there to watch Harry practice, but now they saw the confrontation, and Hermione figured out what was really going on immediately. Those Slytherin broomsticks looked newer than normal.

"You didn't get on the team for your talent," said Hermione in disgust. "You bought your way in! Your father pitched in for those Nimbus 2001's!"

"What do you know about it?" asked Draco in disgust. "Just shut your mouth you filthy little mudblood."

Everyone born to a wizarding family gasped, while everyone born to a muggle family just shrugged. Hermione had the distinct impression she was being insulted, but being a muggle-born herself didn't quite understand the particulars.

Ronald Weasley, however, knew what Draco meant. Families like Draco's believed that people of wizard blood only were superior to those with muggle blood. Mudblood was a derogatory term as opposed to purebloods to show that superiority, and no one was superior to Hermione as far as Ron as concerned, not even Ronald Weasley himself.

Not that he'd admit that to her face, but he would defend her honor here.

"How dare you!" shouted Ron. "You rich, stuck up little pig! Are you okay Hermione?"

"I'm fine Ron," said Hermione. "I mean thanks, but I can't exactly be insulted when I don't know what…"

"I mean what a disgusting thing to say!" Ron went on. "You really are the lowest of the low."

Hermione, "Okay, Ron, I appreciate this, but I really don't know what mudblood means…"

Ron: "I mean look at poor Hermione."

Hermione: "Poor Hermione is fine Ron…"

Ron: "Putting on a brave face even though she's crying inside."

Hermione: "And we're officially talking about a different Hermione here."

Ron: "And you're not going to get away with what you've done Malfoy, you cruel, heartless jerk!" and he pulled out his wand.

Draco: "Yeah, let's let's settle this little rivalry between our families once and for all!" and he pulled out his own wand.

Hermione threw her hands up and asked, "Am I even here anymore?"

Ron and Draco ignored her as they waved their wands and spoke their incantations.

Ron: "Eat Slugs!"

Draco: "Eat Worms!"

The two spells collided in midair and bounced right back to their owners. Both Draco and Malfoy got sick looks on their faces before both of them threw up. Out of Ron's mouth came giant slugs, and out of Draco's mouth came a bunch of worms.

And all the students moaned in disgust.

Until one of them said, "BUG BELCHING FIGHT!"

And the wands came out.

...

Minerva McGonagall surveyed the scene before her. Students had been casting spells on each other, leaving her with a quidditch field filled more bugs, insects, and things covered with slime than she'd ever seen in her entire life, and McGonagall frowned more intensely that she'd ever frowned before.

McGonagall: "Well this is disgusting."


	29. Chapter 30

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 9

So what were Ginny's "trances" actually like?

By

Jason Richard

Harry Potter finally had to report for that detention with Gilderoy Lockhart, which meant spending hours and hours answering fan mail. From wizards who wanted advice on how to defeat cornish pixies and garden gnomes to witches who wanted to go out with and/or marry him, it was painful to read so many letters praising someone else.

Harry sighed, wishing he were anywhere else.

…

From within the diary, the memory of Tom Riddle sighed, wishing he were anywhere else. He was currently in the hands of Ginny Weasley, and she was naturally talking about her favorite subject, Harry Potter, which had become Riddle's least favorite subject.

"And another thing I love about Harry?" she said dreamily. "That smile."

 _Good grief,_ Thought Riddle. _How can one person love four hundred and ninety-two things about someone? How did a smile not show up sooner than four hundred and ninety-two? And why in Voldemort's name do I care enough to keep count of this!?_

 **We're here** , wrote Ginny. **What is it you wanted to do?**

 **Oh** , Riddle wrote back. **I need you to walk my pet. It's an ancient magical creature and he hasn't been walked in over a decade.**

 **Oh!** Ginny wrote. L **ike a magical dog or cat? That sounds lovely! Just so long as it's not something with scales. I never get why people have those as pets and think they're totally gross.**

Riddle: _And of course my pet is a giant snake. Doggone it Lucius Malfoy, was this really the best you could do?!_

…

Harry: "Just how much fan mail do you have?"

Lockhart had brought in what must have been the twentieth bag of mail that night.

"As much as I deserve," said Lockhart, flashing that annoyingly charming smile. "No more, no less. You're so lucky this is what you get to do in detention."

"Lucky huh?" asked Harry, sighing. Could this night get any worse?

Suddenly, through the walls, Harry heard a voice, saying, "Kill, maim, destroy, rip open the stomach and eat the juicy intestines…I want to eat!"

Harry: "And I've officially gone insane from all this fan mail. Lucky...lucky...me…"

…

Riddle knew he'd have to resort to this. He would have preferred to get put in the hands of a Slytherin, one who would share his loyalties, but he'd been placed in the hands of a Gryffindor. He had been forced to put Ginny Weasley in a sort of trance. Fortunately, it was easy. All he had to do to get her in a trance was get her to open up to him, and she'd be under his power.

Now if only opening up to him didn't mean telling him the sixth hundredth thing she loved about Harry Potter. Riddle was going to murder Harry Potter by the time the year was over!

As Ginny walked down the halls in a trance, mumbling to herself about the six hundred and first thing she loved about Harry, Riddle used her to guide his loyal beast, the giant snake-like basilisk, through Hogwarts to kill mudbloods.

Now if only the snake would cooperate.

"Master," said the Basilisk in Parseltongue, "Can I eat the girl now?"

"No!" said Riddle by manipulating Ginny's mouth. "You stupid...look. I can't give you commands without a mouth. I'm a memory in a diary after all. You want to receive my commands don't you?" And Ginny went back to mumbling about Harry.

Basilisk: "Oh yes master!"

Riddle: "Then my first command is to find a mudblood and kill them."

Basilisk: "Then eat them?"

Riddle: "If you must."

Basilisk: "And **then** the girl?"

Riddle: "NO!"

…

Harry finally got out of Lockhart's office and followed the sound of that voice. What was it? Why did it want to kill? What girl was it talking about and who was it talking to? This couldn't be a good thing.

…

"But I wanted to eat it!" said the basilisk over a petrified cat.

"Then why did you look it in its reflection eyes?" said Riddle through Ginny, between her trancelike whisperings about how much she loved Harry. "You would have killed it if you'd looked at it directly. Don't blame me if you can't it eat petrified."

"But master," said the Basilisk. "You told me to look it in the eyes, then said not to kill it."

"Did I?" asked Riddle. Though he was talking through Ginny in her trancelike state he was still in the diary, so he could just barely control the girl. She must have slipped that second command in. This little girl has more willpower than he'd thought.

"Curses," said Riddle. "This will make things harder. Well, best get going before people show up."

Basilisk: "But I'm hungry!

Riddle: "Get in your hole already!"

…

Harry Potter found the petrified cat and wondered what was going on. He clearly recognized Mrs. Norris, Filch's cat, and wondered what how she'd gotten like that. Furthermore, someone had written on the wall, in blood, "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened."

He was just wondered what that meant when Filch came upon that very scene. He saw Harry standing next to his cat and that writing on the wall and both of their eyes went wide.

Harry: "I didn't do it."

Filch. "That just makes me think you did it. And I know why. You know I'm a squib, don't you?!"

Harry: "What the heck is a squib?"

Filch was about to snap at him, but then slowly closed his mouth and thought about what he was going to say before deciding on, "Nothing. A squib is nothing."

Harry sniggered and said, "Well, I already knew you were nothing."

…

Harry, hanging upside down from his ankles in the dungeon, shouting up the stairs.

Harry: "Oh come on Filch! You walked right into that!"


	30. Chapter 31

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 10

What if Hogwarts' Ghost Professor died in class?

By

Jason Richard

The talk of the school was the Chamber of Secrets. What was it? And who was the heir that the second part of the message talked about?

"Wait," said Harry to Hermione. "Enemies of the heir beware? I don't remember that being written on the wall last night."

Hermione, "The writer forgot to put that in the last chapter."

Ron grunted and said, "Lazy writers. Am I right?"

"We need to find out what the Chamber of Secrets is," said Harry. "There could be more attacks after all. The boy who lived will not stand for it!"

Hermione: "You're not trying to resurrect that again aren't you?"

Harry: "Of course! I solve the mystery of this chamber and I'll be famous again. Besides, I'll be everyone's already forgotten about the puppy that lived."

At that moment they entered the great hall to see Dumbledore's announcement.

Dumbledore: "And joining the puppy that lived, is the kitten that lived!"

Audience: "Awww!"

Harry: "Oh come one!"

They could see Dumbledore standing next to a kitten and a puppy playing together.

"Oh looooooook," said Hermione. "They've got lightning bolt patterns in their fur."

Harry: "Seriously?!"

…

It was later on that the trio found an opportunity to learn about the Chamber of Secrets. It was in Professor Binns' history of magic class. Professor Binns was a ghost who had been teaching history for years, died, and kept on teaching as a ghost. This proved to be rather awkward at first.

…

 **Sometime in the 1970's**

Professor Binns as a human: "Anyway, the goblin conflict lasted for three decades before…"

THUMP!

The professor looked own to see his body on the floor and realized that he was glowing and transparent.

Professor Binns: "Oh. It seems I've died and become a ghost. Oh well. As I was saying the goblin conflict…"

The students screamed at the top of their lungs and ran for the exit. After a minute of pandemonium Professor Binns shook his ghostly head.

"Skipping class I see," he said. "The nerve of some children."

Meanwhile, the only student who remained was a goth kid with white makeup and piercings everywhere who said, "This class just became awesome!"

…

 **Present day.**

Hermione: "Professor Binns? We were wondering if you could tell us about The Chamber of Secrets?"

Ghost Binns: "A myth. Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, Helga Hufflepuff, and Salazar Slytherin were the founders of Hogwarts. While most of them believed they should they should train all wizards and witches, Slytherin believed that only those with exclusively magical heritage should be taught, AKA purebloods. The Chamber was supposedly created in secret by him and said to contain a creature that, guided by the true heir of Slytherin, would purge the school of muggle-borns, or mudbloods as some in the wizarding community call them."

"So that's what's going on," said Hermione thoughtfully. "Slytherin's heir must be unlocking the chamber and using the creature to go after muggle-borns. It makes sense. It went after Filch, and he's a squib. Magic family but no magic."

Silence filled the room.

Ron: "Filch can't do magic?"

Hermione: "Of course he can't."

Ron: "So if he tries to take me to detention I can hex him and he can't stop me?"

Hermione: "Ron! You can't be serious!"

But Ron was just grinning gleefully.

Harry: "You really shouldn't have told him that. Why on Earth did you think he wouldn't get ideas from that?"

Hermione: "Because hexing school staff is against the rules...oh no I've made a terrible mistake."

Ron laughed maniacally.

…

Filch stood in the hall, his entire body covered in hair by a gorilla hair hex, and scowled.

Filch: "Someone's going to pay for this."


	31. Chapter 32

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 11

What if Harry's bludger injuries were worse?

By

Jason Richard

Ron: "So how did you get a permission slip again?"

Hermione: "I asked Gilderoy Lockhart for his autograph. He didn't even look at what he was signing, and bingo, permission to go into the restricted section in the library."

Harry: "Huh. I wonder how many other people have tried that?"

…

Hogwarts Librarian Madame Pince: "I swear Lockhart if one more student that you've given your signature uses it to look up a spell to make mountain trolls fart I'll hit you with a hex so big it will make a muggle's atom bomb look like a pea shooter!"

Gilderoy Lockhart chuckled nervously.

…

Harry: "Anyway, I get making a forbidden potion to spy on Slytherin and find the heir, but why are we doing it in a girls' bathroom?"

And in fact, the three were busy stirring ingredients for a complicated potion that would take months to complete into a cauldron, and they were doing so in a girls' bathroom."

Hermione: "It's okay. It's actually perfect. No one ever comes in here on account of Moaning Myrtle."

Ron: "Who's Moaning Myrtle?"

Myrtle: "I'M MOANING MYRTLE!"

The newcomer, who made all three of the children jump in unison, was a young and not very attractive girl with large glasses who scowled at the three other kids in her bathroom.

"Oh…" Hermione stammered. "Hello...uh…"

"What are you staring at?" Myrtle demanded. "Have you come here to make fun of the girl with the big glasses?"

"What?" asked Hermione, feeling a little distressed. "We haven't…"

"Well go ahead!" cried Myrtle. "Who wouldn't make fun ugly, miserable, moping, moaning, Myrtle!"

She shrieked and then dived bombed a toilet, splashing water as she disappeared inside.

Ron: "Well that was horrifying."

Harry: "I'll say. I'm just glad we'll graduate from Hogwarts eventually and I won't have to run into her again."

…

 **Over twenty years later.**

Harry's son Albus: "Hey dad, meet my girlfriend."

Still a ghost Myrtle: "Oh, hello Harry."

A very mortified Harry, "I don't know how I feel about this!"

...

Later on that day Harry had a Quidditch game against Slytherin, which he was eager to get back to now that the field was clear of insects. No one wanted to get knocked out by a bludger and lay unconscious in a field of worms, slugs, and roaches after all.

As Harry prepared to play the game, however, Dobby was preparing for the game in his own way. He snuck to the chamber where the equipment was held and touched one of the bludgers, altering its enchantment to go after Harry. Perhaps that would convince Harry that Hogwarts was too dangerous. This way he'd get his point across without putting Harry in too much danger.

After all the Bludgers were part of a game, so how dangerous could they be?

Of course, had he seen a particular Quidditch game from 1872, where a player was hit so hard by a bludger the mere sight of his ghastly remains caused an entire stadium of witches and wizards to vomit simultaneously, he might have reconsidered his current plan.

…

The Gryffindor team fought as well as they could, but the Slytherin team just had superior brooms. The Nimbus 2001's were fast, faster even than Harry's Nimbus 2000. No matter how well they flew they just couldn't keep up, and the Slytherin score went higher and higher.

Harry knew their only way to win was for him to catch the snitch before Slytherin's score got to high. He looked around for it carefully and spotted it, a little glimmer of gold by the ground. He dove for it, but unfortunately a bludger came at him at that moment. He dodged, but the bludger changed direction and came at him again. He was forced to abandon his quest for the snitch as this new threat just kept coming. Fred and George, the beaters, flew in and tried to whack it away, but it just kept coming.

"Training for the ballet Potter?" taunted Malfoy, not realizing that the snitch was right next to his ear.

Harry, not caring of Malfoy got hurt by the bludger, rushed for the snitch. He soon caught it, but the bludger was right on his tail. And then...

WHAM!

…

 **Later.**

"Every single bone in his body," said Madame Pomfrey angrily. "You removed every single bone from his body? Are you incompetent! Do you have any idea how long it will take my potion to regrow all those bones?! Do you have any idea what kind of time Harry is in for!?"

A very jiggly Harry lay on the hospital bed in a state of utter shock as Gilderoy Lockhart backed away from a particularly angry Madame Pomfrey. Then he looked over and said, "Oh, Professor Dumbledore," only to run away when Madame Pomfrey looked. Harry, meanwhile, lamented his situation in life.

 **Even later.**

Harry lay there, the bones in his body painfully regrowing. as he lay there he was thinking that he would find out whoever did this and strangle them. Right at that moment, Dobby appeared on his bed.

Harry: "It was you, wasn't it!? You're still trying to scare me away from Hogwarts!"

Dobby: "Dobby is most aggrieved sir, but it is too dangerous for Harry Potter to stay now that history is to repeat itself."

There was silence for a moment as Harry just glared at Dobby.

Harry: "Dobby, come here for a moment."

Dobby swallowed nervously and said, "I don't wanna do that."

Harry: "It's okay Dobby, I just need your help. Come here...now."

Dobby: "I don't wanna do that."

Harry as his eye twitched: "Oh I'm not mad or anything, I just need you to hand me my wand for a moment."

Dobby: "Okay I really don't wanna do that!"

Harry: "Get over here!"

Dobby: "No!"

And Dobby disappeared, leaving Harry alone to fume.

...

...

...

Hey, just felt like saying thanks for reading everyone. I really appreciate it.

Jason.


	32. Chapter 33

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 12

By

Jason Richard

The next victim of the creature from the chamber was a boy named Colin Creevey, a boy who went around with a camera for the school newspaper, annoying people with a flash of blindness. He was found petrified with the camera in front of his face. He had often followed Harry around and annoyed him quite a bit.

"Wait," said Ron as the three of them walked through the Hogwarts hallways. "If Colin followed Harry around, why hasn't he been mentioned yet?"

Hermione: "The writer of this fanfic forgot to write him in."

Ron: "Again? What's with that guy!"

With the danger of the beast mounting the need to make polyjuice potion and find the heir in Slytherin was growing. Unfortunately, they would have to steal the ingredients from Snape, and that was a dangerous prospect for a couple of Gryffindors. Still, Harry set off a firecracker in class while Hermione snatched the ingredients. Snape was furious.

He pulls pranks exactly like his no-good father, James! Snape thought bitterly. I just know he's going to become a horrible man!

"I ought to expel you Potter!" said Snape.

Harry, not wanting to cause a scene now that Hermione was back, said, "Sorry professor."

"Very good," said Snape.

He says sorry just like his perfect mother, Lily! Thought Snape happily. I just know he'll become a great man!

But that was a minor footnote compared to what happened later.

With Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!" said Gilderoy loudly. "Welcome to the Hogwarts Dueling club!"

In the great hall where this event was taking place, the many students shouted, "Yeah!"

"And here's my assistant, Severus Snape."

Students: "Boooooooo!"

Snape: "Silence!"

Gilderoy, laughing nervously, said, "Due to the recent attacks, Dumbledore himself has authorized this little dueling club. I'm here to train you up so that you can handle any magical attacker that...uh...attacks."e

His smile never faltered.

"Also," said Snape. "I do not want another fiasco like at the Quidditch grounds. No bug belching hexes."

Students: "Boooooooo!"

Snape: "Silence! Malfoy! Potter! Get dueling!"

Harry's thoughts: _He's probably rooting for Malfoy._

Draco's thoughts: _He's totally rooting for me._

Snape's thoughts: _I'm totally rooting for Harry!_

Harry and Malfoy faced each other. The fight didn't last long, however. Malfoy quickly used a spell that summoned a snake. This was bad form for a duel as it was potentially a lethal spell, though in this case, it was rather distressing for the snake that had been randomly summoned into existence.

Snake, "Ah! What's happening, who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? What do I mean by what's my purpose in life? What's going on!"

Harry: "And now the writer of this fanfic is stealing from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And don't call it an homage writer, I'm on to you!"

"Harry?" asked a boy called Justin Finch-Fletchley. "You can understand snake speech?"

Hermione's thoughts: _Please don't be stupid enough to answer that._

Harry: "Well yeah."

Hermione: "Doggone it Harry!"

Justin: "It's the heir of Slytherin! Run for your Lives!"

The great hall was cleared in minutes as screaming students left the room, leaving Harry, Ron, and Hermione, as well as a confused Lockhart and exasperated Snape.

"What was that about?" asked Harry.

"Slytherin could talk to snakes," said Hermione. "And it's hereditary."

Harry: "Why am I the last to know these things?"

Ron: "Well if you already knew this stuff then other characters couldn't explain it to you and therefore explain it to the audience."

Harry: "Curse you convenient storytelling tricks!"


	33. Chapter 34

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 13

By

Jason Richard

So Harry was the talk of Hogwarts, but instead of calling him the 'boy who lived' they referred to him as the heir of Slytherin, and Harry hated it. He was miserable for quite a while as rumors about him kept spreading. They'd say that Voldemort detected that a baby would become a dark wizard to challenge him, some would say. A baby! How ridiculous! How could an evil baby challenge the dark lord?

Not that Harry wouldn't claim a good baby could challenge him, but still.

But more trouble came along when Harry heard voices in the wall again, saying, "Kill, kill, murder, lunchtime! Oh wait, it's night. Dinnertime!"

He tried to follow it, and as luck would have it, Harry lost track of it just long enough to miss a certain conversation.

...

"Why didn't you just kill the mudblood!" demanded Riddle, once again talking through Ginny Weasley in her trance. She stood with the basilisk next to Justin Finch Fletchley and Nearly headless nick, both of whom were petrified, thought Nick floated in the air, his head slightly askew.

"You told me to petrify him!" cried the giant Basilisk. "And I wanna eat someone!" it smashed its head against the wall. "I wanna I wanna I wanna!"

"Curse this Gryffindor girl!" said Riddle. "To think that this lovesick fool could override my will!" within the diary he thought it over. It was almost a shame he'd have to dispose of her eventually, now that this untapped potential has revealed itself. Even so, through the girl, he said, "What now?"

Basilisk: "Eat the girl?"

"Would you just..." Riddle stammered. "Just..it's too dangerous to keep eating people tonight. Sneak into the forbidden forest and eat something. You're the enemy of spiders, aren't you? The thing that makes them tremble in the night? That whose name they do not speak, just as wizards no longer speak the name of Voldemort? Eat one of them. In fact, if you find one called Aragog, be sure to devour that on with gusto! Go my servant...eat a giant spider, and instill the terror in them once more!"

"Do I have to?" asked the Basilisk. "Giant Spiders give me gas."

A moment of silence, and then...

Riddle: "Wow...I did not know that."

...

By the time Harry got the assailants were gone. All he saw was Justin and Nick in their petrified state. As far as Harry could tell there was no sign of anything amiss. Well, he did see a bunch of spiders leaving the scene. Then again, now that he thought about it he might have seen spiders when Mrs. Norris was attacked. He only didn't think about it because he had bigger problems at the time. He wasn't there when Collin was attacked. Were there spiders them?

"Yes," said a deep voice suddenly. Harry looked over to see Filch grinning evilly. "Now'll you'll get justice for my poor cat. Mrs. Norris will be avenged!"

Harry: "What about the students?"

Filch: "Sure whatever. Oh Professor McGonagall!"

...

And thus Harry found himself in Professor Dumbledore's office. He hadn't done anything, but as he'd been at two of the previous attacks, he was now a prime suspect. What a sad fate for the boy who lived!

Harry sighed, then looked over at the sorting hat. Curiously Harry walked over and put the hat on his head. Nothing happened for a moment, and then...

Sorting Hat: "Bee in your bonnet, Potter?"

"Wait," said Harry. "You're a bonnet?"

Sorting Hat: "What? No. Of course not..."

Harry: "Because you know, bonnets go on people's heads, and the only thing on my head is you. So if you see a bonnet on my head..."

"I am not a bonnet!" cried the sorting hat.

"Okay!" said Harry defensively. "Okay! Good grief! I'm just saying if there was a bee inside whatever was on my head, and what was on my head was you..."

Sorting hat: "WHAT DO YOU WANT!?"

Harry: "Should I have been in Slytherin?"

Sorting Hat: "If I tell you no, will you leave me alone?"

Harry: "Well I'd have no other reason to talk to you so..."

Sorting Hat: "Then no, you're a Gryffindor through and through."

Harry: "Oh. Okay. Thanks Sorting Hat!"

Sorting: "Yeah sure, now buzz off!"

What a rude Hat, Harry thought as he put the hat down. Suddenly Dumbledore came in and looked at Harry gravely.

"So," said Dumbledore. "Did you petrify those students and that cat?"

Harry: "No."

Dumbledore: "Works for me. See you later!"


	34. Chapter 35

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

What if Myrtle saw Hermione's condition a little earlier?

Chapter 14

By

Jason Richard

The polyjuice potion was finally ready. The trio could now sneak into the Slytherin common room to spy on Draco Malfoy. They just needed to get Crabbe and Goyle's hair and add it to the potion. Hermione already had a hair she'd taken from a Slytherin girl. Harry and Ron floated a pair of cupcakes laced with sleeping draft in front of the idiotic Slytherins, and once were both knocked out the Gryffindor's hid them in the broom closet and took their haires. Now they were ready.

Now if only the potion didn't look like troll snot.

"Do we have to drink this?" asked Ron in disgust.

"Of course we do," said Hermione, though she was looking at the mixture with a sour face as well. We want to stop muggle-borns from getting petrified, don't we?"

"Well..." said Ron, sighing.

"Come on," said Harry. "Let's do this."

They drank the potion and then immediately regretted it. They all got nauseous and ran to a toilet to throw up. Each of them transformed. Harry turned into Goyle and Ron turned into Crabbe.

Hermione, on the other hand...

"I don't think I'm going," said Hermione, still hiding in the restroom cubicle. "Just go, there's no time to explain."

While the two boys were confused, they knew they were on a time limit and went to interrogate Malfoy. Hermione's transformation had gone pretty wrong. She hadn't gotten the hair of a Slytherin girl's. She'd gotten cat hair and now found herself covered in fur with two pointed ears atop her main of scraggly hair and a tail peeking out from her robes.

Hermione: "Oh dear, I hope no one sees me like this."

Moaning Myrtle: "Oh my! I'm so glad I got to see you like this!"

Hermione looked up to see Moaning Myrtle flying above her, and the poor girl's skin grew cold, even though it was covered in that fur. Curse that cat hair in her poly-juice potion!

"That's hilarious!" cried Myrtle. "Everyone's made fun of me because I'm ugly and I wear glasses, but now I get to make fun of someone else!"

Hermione: "Moaning Myrtle in a position to make fun of me? I didn't realize it was that bad!"

Myrtle: "Shut up! Now, let me think. Um..."

Hermione: "You know, if you have to think about it, it's automatically a bad quip."

Myrtle: "Shut up! I've got it. Uh...you're...you're lazy...because...you know...cat's sleep all day."

Hermione: "Wow, you're pretty bad at this aren't you?"

Myrtle: "Shut up!"

Hermione: "I mean seriously, is lazy all you can come up with?"

Myrtle: "Well...cat's don't give me much to work with! They're cute, they're snuggly, and they purr! How am I supposed to insult that?"

"Huh," said Hermione. "Maybe my condition isn't as bad as I thought."

"No no no!" cried Myrtle. "It's got to be utterly embarrassing! I know I wouldn't want to cough up all those hairballs myself."

Myrtle thought about it for a second.

Myrtle: "Oh, wait! Um...nice look, Hermione, you going to cough up some hairballs later?"

Hermione: "I think it's a bit late to change that to an insult..."

Myrtle: "Shut up!"

...

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron had interrogated Draco and found nothing. Draco expressed an interest in knowing who the heir of Slytherin was so he could help, but he wasn't the heir and had no idea who it was. Their Crabbe and Goyle disguises had failed to uncover anything.

As their disguises were fading and they ran out of the Slytherin common room before they were caught, they lamented their troubles.

"Well that was pointless," said Ron.

"I'll say," said Harry.

It was at that moment they stopped, as they saw Myrtle floating through the halls, and she was grimacing.

"Tell me how to insult people," Myrtle grumbled. "I'll tell you how to be a nerd you lousy...ugh!"

She floated past them, and the pair of boys raised their eyebrows in confusion.

"That was weird," said Ron.

"Not as weird as this," said Harry.

For of course Hermione had stepped out, looking very much like a cat. A very irritated cat too.

Ron: "Man, I do not envy the hairballs you're gonna throw up."

Hermione, "Shut up!"


	35. Chapter 36

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 14

By

Jason Richard

Ginny walked back to her dormitory feeling disoriented. She kept having these strange dreams where Tom Riddle from the diary was putting her in a trance and using her to control a giant snake, a snake that would kill muggle-born students, and it had taken all of her willpower to make the snake petrify them instead. That couldn't be right. Riddle had been so kind and understanding, listening to her talk about her crush Harry. He totally got how painful her unrequited love was. Surely she had just dreamed those attacks.

And the fact that the victims in her dreams had been the same people petrified in real life was just coincidence...right?

Right?

Right?

She made it back to the dormitory. She had to get these dreams off her chest to Riddle. She made certain no one was looking, pulled the diary out and sat on the bed to write.

And when Ginny opened it, this is what she read.

Riddle: And if I have to hear about how perfect Harry Potter is for the hundredth time I'm going to make it so incredibly painful when I finally murder that little red-haired...wait am I writing this out in the diary?

Ginny: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

...

Harry, Ron, and Hermione passed by Myrtle's bathroom and found water all over the floor. They also heard Myrtle crying. Not that this was unusual, but she had never flooded the bathroom before.

Harry approached, feeling a little sorry for her, and asked, "Myrtle, are you okay?"

"No," said Myrtle. "There I was, just sitting in the U-Bend thinking about death when someone thinks it's funny to throw a book at my head."

"But," said Ron. "If someone throws a book at you, it can't hurt."

"Gee," said Myrtle, her eyes twitching angrily. "I didn't realize I was a ghost! It's not like the last I couple of decades of being transparent, staying the same age and having things move through me wasn't a clue! In fact, I completely forgot I was dead!"

Ron: "I..."

Myrtle: "Shut up! AAAAAAA!"

And she dove into the toilet, leaving an explosion of water in her wake.

Harry: "Well that could have gone better."

Ron: "Shut up!"

Feeling awkward, Harry almost tripped over a black bound book on the floor. He picked it up curiously and wondered where it came from, finding it to be a diary with nothing written in it.

...

So Harry checked out the Diary later, and when he tried writing on it the ink disappeared. Harry, curious, introduced himself, writing, "my name is Harry Potter."

This is Harry Potter? Riddle's memory thought. This is the wizard who defeated the great wizard Voldemort?

Voldemort defeated by this glasses wearing twerp? I'm insulted.

Oh well, the memory thought. Might as well be nice and see if I can manipulate him.

"Hello," wrote the Diary. "I'm Tom Riddle. How are you? And how did I come into your possession?"

"I found you in the girl's bathroom," said Harry.

"And what was a boy named Harry doing in a...ahem...girls bathroom?" asked Riddle.

Harry froze.

Harry: "Uh...I was...cleaning it."

Riddle: "Detention?"

Harry: "Yes...let's go with that. Listen, I can you tell me about the Chamber of Secrets?"

Riddle: "Absolutely."

Harry: "Wow. I just happened to find something that gives me information about the one thing I need information about this year. How's that for convenient?"

"Yes," wrote Riddle. "Convenient." if Riddle's memory had a mouth, he'd have been grinning by then. "Anyway, you want to know the truth?"

Harry: "Sure."

Riddle: "Hagrid did it."

Harry had to read that a couple of times to make sure he'd actually seen it.

Harry: "Why should I believe you? There's absolutely no reason you can give me for Hagrid to do this. What possible, plausible reason would Hagrid have to open the Chamber of Secrets and unleash a monster that would petrify unsuspecting students?!"

Riddle: "So he could make a pet of the horrible spider monster inside."

Harry: "Oh yeah. That is pretty plausible for Hagrid isn't it?"

Yes, thought Riddle. My plan is perfect. I can frame Hagrid, just like I did before. And in the meantime, I'll find a way to get more of Harry's trust and use him to kill Mudbloods! And someday Hogwarts will be...

Wait, am I writing out in the diary again? Oh no! I did it again! Doggone it! What's Harry going to do!

Harry, having looked away from the diary at that moment, was looking out the window and shouting.

Harry: "The Llama that lived?! Are you kidding me Dumbledore?! Puppies and kittens are one thing, but now you're upstaging me with a Llama?!"

Riddle erased the incriminating lines and thought, whew, that was a close one.


	36. Chapter 37

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 15

What if Ron had an Even Bigger Reaction to the idea of Spiders

By

Jason Richard

"Well this Riddle bloak has to be lying!" said Ron. "Af if we'd trust him over Hagrid."

"I don't know Ron," said Harry. "Hagrid does have a thing about monsters. For goodness sake, he brought an exploding chipmunk to school and thought a giant three-headed dog was a good pet!"

As they walked through the Hogwarts hallways, all three of them were greatly distressed by Riddle's information.

"I'm with Ron," said Hermione. "Besides, giant spiders don't petrify people."

"Ugh," said Ron, feeling sick. "I hate spiders."

Hermione: "Giant spiders do what a lot of spiders do. Spin webs."

Ron: "Hermione? Are you really describing how giant spiders kill people around someone who hates tiny spiders?"

Hermione: "Anything caught in the webs is wrapped up and placed in the web, left paralyzed by venom to await their horrible fate."

Ron: "I really don't need to know this."

Hermione: "Eventually they inject the prey with their digestive enzymes…

Ron: "Please stop…"

Hermione: "...to liquify their organs..."

Ron felt even sicker.

Hermione: "And suck it out like one sucks soda from a straw.

Ron went, "Hrk!" and went to the window, puking outside.

Harry: "Nice going, Hermione."

Hermione chuckled nervously, looking away. Suddenly her eyes grew wide.

Hermione: "Ohmygoshijustthoughtofsomethingbye!"

And she zipped away, leaving Harry rather confused.

…

Harry walked through the Hogwarts hallways getting a little irritated. Apparently, the "Llama who lived" was just the beginning of a string of animals that students themselves were setting up. Their fear of Harry being the heir of Slytherin was nothing compared to their willingness to troll him.

There was the pigeon that lived, the porcupine that lived, the pig that lived, the skunk that lived, the giraffe that lived, the hamster that lived, the lion that lived (and that one got out of its cage and chased students around before professors turned it into a mouse) the kangaroo that lived…

And last, but not least, someone brought the one eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater...that lived. Harry had no idea how someone got that into the castle.

But Harry had bigger things to worry about. Quidditch was canceled for that year as there was one more victim, and it was someone close to Harry. Harry followed Professor McGonagall to the hospital wing where he found her.

Hermione Granger had been petrified. He was heartbreaking, but Harry noticed something...odd rather quickly.

"Professor," said Harry. "Why is her face scrunched up like that?"

"Near as we can tell," said McGonagall. "She was petrified mid-sneeze."

Laying there petrified with her eyes scrunched and her lips puckered out was not a flattering look on her.

…

So Harry and Ron agreed, they had to go talk to Hagrid to see what he knew about the Chamber of Secrets. Ron had to take a break as he saw more spiders and started throwing up out the window some more, but aside from that, they were set on their course.

Soon they found themselves at Hagrid's hut. They had to keep a distance from Hagrid's pet dragon Norbert. Harry took one look at the thing and said, "Huh. I forgot he still had that dragon."

Hagrid opened the door to find himself face to face with empty air until Harry and Ron took off the invisibility cloak. Hagrid, sadly, let them inside.

"Hagrid," said Harry. "We need to know…"

"I mean," said Ron. "We've heard things...about the Chamber being opened before…"

Harry: "Did you really unleash a giant spider?"

Ron: "Hrk!"

Harry: "Don't you start throwing up again."

Ron: "I'm sorry! I can't get what Hermione said out of my head! Did she have to go into so much detail?"

"Well, what you need to know about that spider..." Hagrid began, but he was interrupted. He saw out the window someone coming and told the two to hide under the invisibility cloak. They hid and made certain to stay quiet.

And who should enter the little hut but Dumbledore himself and the minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge.

"What's going on?" asked Hagrid.

"I'm afraid we have to take you in," said Fudge.

"Take me where?" asked Hagrid in horror. "Not Azkaban Prison!"

"I do not believe Hagrid is guilty," said Dumbledore. "Would I let Hagrid keep a dragon if I thought he'd unleash it on students?"

"Dumbledore," said Fudge. "Having a dragon without a license is technically against the law."

Dumbledore: "Pfft. You're no fun."

"I'll let that slide," said Fudge. "Only because I know you have a dragon license Dumbledore. But these attacks on students cannot be unanswered, and Hagrid's record is against him. We can't have someone who unleashed a giant spider."

Ron: "Hrk!"

Harry (whisper) "Shut up!"

Fudge: "What was that?"

Hagrid: "Parrots!"

Fudge gave Hagrid a funny look.

"Y...Yes," Hagrid stammered. "There are parrots around here who...imitate students voices...heh...kind of funny...heh...heh...heh…"

"Really?" said Dumbledore. "Parrots? And not two students hiding under an invisibility cloak?"

Ron whispers: "He knows."

Harry whispers: "Shut up!"

Fudge: "Oh don't be ridiculous Dumbledore. Who in their right mind would give troublemaking students an artifact as useful for mischief as an invisibility cloak?"

Dumbledore just sniggered.

Fudge: "Anyway, we do have to take Hagrid in. Like I said, Hagrid's record is against him."

"More than a record," said another voice. Lucius Malfoy entered the room and sneered at everything.

"What are you doing here?" Hagrid demanded. "Get out of my house!"

"No," said Malfoy. "Even though I would love nothing more. I'm here to inform Dumbledore that the ministry is removing him from the post of Hogwarts Headmaster. Several students petrified? Why we all think you're losing your touch, Dumbledore."

"Oh cool," said Dumbledore. "I've been wanting a vacation. See you later."

Then Dumbledore looked directly at Harry and Ron's hiding place and said, "By the way. If you want help at Hogwarts, all you have to do is ask for it." And he winked at them, making the two boys roll their eyes.

Fudge: "Dumbledore, why are you winking at the wall?"

Dumbledore: "The wall and I share a private joke."

And Dumbledore sauntered out.

Lucius: "I don't want to know what that's about."

Hagrid: "If anyone was looking for some stuff, all they have to do is follow the spiders," Ron had to suppress another 'hrk!' and Hagrid continued, "and feed my dog while I'm gone. You'd better do that...wall."

Lucius, "I'm getting out of here before more weird things happen."

Fudge: "I'm right behind you. Hagrid, come on."

Once alone, Harry and Ron felt more worried about Hagrid than ever.

"Well," said Harry. "Guess we have some...creatures to follow."

Ron: "Do we have to? I feel sick enough as it is."

Suddenly Fred and George popped their heads in and said, "GIANT SPIDERS!"

Ron went to a barrel and went, "BARF!"


	37. Chapter 38

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Just how would Harry and Ron get out of the Spider's lair without the car?

Chapter 16

By

Jason Richard

Luckily enough there was a line of tiny little spiders leaving Hagrid's hut, so Harry and Ron followed them, much to Ron's displeasure. Deep into the dark forest they went, the woods getting dark and darker as the darkness enveloped them...in this very dark forest.

"Wow," said Harry. "It's dark in here."

"I wanna go home," said Ron.

Harry, "Hogwarts or the burrow?"

Ron, "Pick one!"

Deeper and deeper into the forest they went, creeping along slowly. They'd go a little faster if Ron didn't keep turning around and walking the other way, Harry lamented, but he made sure Ron soldiered on. Finally, they started following some larger spiders. Then larger, and larger, until finally many of the creatures were larger than a St. Bernard.

Ron: "Harry..."

Harry: "Don't you dare barf!"

Ron: "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh..."

Finally, they came to a grove filled with lots of giant spiders, each the size of a large dog. Ron had to fight not to...well you know. In the center of this clearing was the largest Spider Harry had ever seen, bigger than even a car. Even Harry was getting sick just looking at it.

"Who is that?" asked the giant spider wearily. "Hagrid? Is that you?"

"No," said Harry. "But we're friends of Hagrid. We're here to ask you about the chamber of secrets. Were you the monster from that chamber?"

"If I was," said the giant Spider. "I would be hiding there, not here in the forest."

Harry: "Oh...I guess that makes sense."

"I am Aragog," said Aragog the spider. "And the creature from the chamber is an ancient monster we spiders fear above all others. We dare not even speak its name"

"Oh," said Harry. "So it's the giant spider equivalent of Voldemort?"

Aragog: "WE DON'T SPEAK OF HIM EITHER!"

"Sorry," said Harry, cringing. "Anyway, if you're not the monster, we'll just go."

"Oh no," said Aragog. "You're spider chow now."

Harry and Ron, "What?! But we're friends of Hagrid."

"Hey," said Aragog. "You agreed to be spider chow when you entered this forest."

"I did no such thing!" protested Harry.

"Hey," said Aragog. "If you didn't want to be spider chow you should have read the fine print."

"What fine print?" asked Harry. "I never signed anything. What is there fine print on the trees?"

Aragog: "Yes."

Harry, curiously, went over to a tree and looked. Sure enough, he saw the words, in very tiny print, "All those who enter this forest agree to be spider chow."

"Huh," said Harry.

"Harry," said Ron, whimpering. "What do we do?"

"Nothing," said one of the giant Spiders. "We're going to wrap you up in webs."

"Are you about to say what I think you're going to say?" asked Harry.

Spider: "Inject you with our enzymes."

Ron: "Hrk!"

Harry: "Oh no please don't do that."

Spider: "let it liquefy your insides."

Ron: "Hrk!"

Harry: "Please, please, please stop talking..."

Spider: "And suck it all out with a straw."

The spider held up a straw, Ron made more gagging noises, and Harry sighed as he said, "And here we go."

...

Later, throughout the forest, Spiders ran as fast as they could. Those who could see what they were running from went mad with fear, while those wise enough to run only knew the terror they felt through the Spider's words.

"Run!" cried the Spiders. "It's the vomitpocalypse!"

...

Later Harry and Ron walked through the forest in stunned silence. They went like this for a while, and finally one of them spoke.

"Harry," said Ron. "About what just happened...let's never speak of that again."

"Agreed," said Harry. He thought about it, and found he did have one question. "Just how much did you eat today anyway?"

Ron: "I'm a growing boy okay!?"


	38. Chapter 39

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Did McGonagall really expect Lockhart to defeat the Chamber of Secrets?

Chapter 17

By

Jason Richard

The next day Harry and Ron visited Hermione in the hospital wing, feeling very sad. Well, sad and a little amused. Hermione's face was still stuck in mid-sneeze mode. Still, Harry tried to keep his amusement to himself.

Ron, on the other hand...

Harry: "Put the camera down Ron."

"Oh come one!" said Ron, holding Colin's camera. "I'll never get another chance! Don't tell me you're not laughing at this a little."

"Hermione will kill you once she's made better," said Harry. "I mean...wait...what's that?"

He saw something in Hermione's petrified hand. He reached over and found a piece of paper. He opened it, and suddenly, as he read the little slip, the mystery of the Chamber of Secrets became clear.

"Ron," said Harry. "The creature is a basilisk, a giant snake, that's why I can hear it. It kills by looking people in the eye but petrifies them when you look at their eye indirectly. That's what's happened to the other students. Hermione also wrote the word ''pipes." That must be how it's getting around without anyone seeing."

"Wait," said Ron. "It hides in the pipes? I get how students and even teachers might miss that, but what about the ghosts? They go through walls all the time. Why didn't they stumble across it? We haven't seen any other ghosts petrified, and I think they would have mentioned seeing a giant snake in the walls."

"But then," said Harry. "If a ghost got petrified while it was in the walls, passing through the pipes, how would we know about it? Actually, I haven't seen ghosts in a while now that I think about."

...

In the sewer pipes, dozens of ghosts in various places waited, petrified, each of them thinking the same thing.

GET ME OUT OF HERE!

...

"Well, that's not important now," said Harry. "The point is we know what the monster is."

"So how do we fight a basilisk?" Ron asked. Before Harry could answer, however, Neville Longbottom came running up.

"Harry," said Neville, panting. "I don't know who did it, but you have to come and see."

...

Earlier:

Ginny Weasley sat in the library studying and trying not to cry at the betrayal of the boy from the diary when she heard something.

"Say," said another student. "Did you know Harry's been reading a diary he found in a girl's bathroom?"

"That," said his study partner. "Sounds disturbingly incriminating."

Ginny: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH"

She fled, and the other student said, "Sheesh, what's her problem?"

Ginny darted through the halls to the Griffyndor common rooms and tore Harry's dorm apart trying to find that diary. She was determined to get rid of it for good. She was also determined not to let this memory called Tom Riddle trick her again.

Finally, the diary spilled out onto the floor, it's pages open. Ginny immediately moved to pick it up, when she noticed what was written on the page.

Some month 22, I forget which year: I, Harry Potter, have decided to finally tell Ginny that I love her.

Ginny: "Wha...Harry...he...he...love...me...Ginny...in diary...he said...love...harry..."

Riddle, from within the book, thought, _easiest trance ever._

 _..._

Harry found his dorm room ransacked, and the diary gone. A shame. He was going to grill Riddle for more information. Riddle had blamed Hagrid and said that a girl had died years ago in a girl's bathroom.

"Hey," said Harry. "Wait a minute, I know a dead girl who hangs out in a bathroom."

"That," said Ron. "Could so easily be taken the wrong way."

Before they could go talk to Moaning Myrtle, however, a magical voice announcement went off. Someone else had been taken by the monster.

Her skeleton will lie in the chamber forever, Ron and Harry saw written on the wall as they hid around the corner. The professors gathered round, disturbed looks on their faces.

"So," said Professor McGonagall. "Professor Lockhart, your moment has come. Weren't you saying you knew where the monster's lair was all along?"

"Did I?" asked Lockhart, instantly regretting the boasting he'd been doing earlier. "Well...I'll get right on that then."

He gave a nervous chuckle and walked off, secretly planning his escape from Hogwarts. Harry and Ron followed discreetly, figuring they could at least tell Lockhart what they'd discovered about the chamber.

As they left McGonagall turned back to the other professors, who looked at each other with grave faces.

Before suddenly bursting into hysterical laughter.

"Yeah right," said McGonagall. "As if that buffoon could take on whatever is in that chamber. Alright, let's be serious now. Fifty galleons says he's gone in half an hour."

Professor Sprout: "I bet fifteen minutes!"

Flitwick: "Twenty!"

Snape: "Five minutes!"

McGonagall: "You're on!"


	39. Chapter 40

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 18

What if Lockhart's Charm erased just a little bit more?

By

Jason Richard

"I'm out of here!" said Lockhart, recklessly throwing things into his suitcase from his office. "I'm out of here as fast as I can! I didn't sign up to fight monsters! I signed up to teach about monsters I've never fought before! This is so stupid! How can they expect the defense against the dark arts teacher to defend against dark arts?! What do they think I am, a baby with a lightning bolt on his forehead?!"

Lockhart closed the suitcase and turned around to see Harry and Ron with their wands pointed at him.

"Going somewhere?" asked Harry.

"Oh please," said Lockhart, rolling his eyes with a grin. "Second years don't know any dangerous spells."

"No," said Harry. "But I know how to turn your hair green."

Ron: "And I know one to turn that Witch-Weekly awarded smile into a permanent frown."

Lockhart got very serious.

Lockhart: "You wouldn't dare. I'd look terrible on a magazine cover like that!"

Harry and Ron grinned, saying, "Try us."

Lockhart: "Who even taught you spells like that."

Harry: "You did. You said turning a redcap's hair green could make it run away and that a grinning ghoul would explode if forced to frown for too long."

"Oh," said Lockhart, swallowing nervously, "Okay then. What now? Exactly what misadventure have I been roped into?"

Ron: "Well first we go to the girl's bathroom."

Lockhart: "That…sounds rather incriminating."

Ron: "Just get moving!"

…

They made it to the girl's bathroom and found Moaning Myrtle doing exactly what her name implied. She saw Harry, Ron herd Lockhart in on pain of unfashionability, and got curious.

"What do you want?" asked Myrtle.

"We've come to ask you how you died," said Harry.

Myrtle became upset.

"How could you ask that so casually?" she asked, crossing her arms. "Didn't it occur to you that my death could have been horrific? That I wouldn't want to remember the pain and the agony of that day? Do you think I want to remember being torn limb from limb and swallowed by a giant monster?"

Ron: "Were you."

Myrtle hesitated, then said, "Well no, I died quite painlessly, but it could have been painful. So there."

Harry: "Myrtle please, it's really important."

"I don't know how it happened," said Myrtle. "I saw a pair of big yellow eyes by that sink and the next moment was dead."

They found the sink, which had a snake engraved into the faucet.

"You'd think someone would have noticed that," said Ron.

Harry spoke parcel tongue and suddenly the sinks floated away to reveal a dark passageway that you got into by sliding down.

"Well," said Lockhart. "Not that this isn't fun, but I must be…"

Ron pushed him.

Lockhart: "GOOOOOIIIIIIIING!"

Harry: "Nicely done."

Ron: "Thank you."

And they jumped in after him.

…

They found themselves in an underground passage, the floor covered in bones. They traveled in silence, feeling fear of the beast that stalked through these tunnels. Eventually, they came across something that looked remarkably like a giant snake but was just the leftovers from when the basilisk last shed its skin.

Lockhart, it seemed, got incredibly sick from this.

"You okay?" asked Ron.

But Lockhart quickly grabbed Ron's wand and pointed it at the two boys, a maniacal grin on his face.

"Hah!" said Lockhart. "You fell for it! Prepare to lose your memories! Oblivi…"

Harry: "BASILISK!"

Lockhart: "WHERE?!"

KABOOM!

Lockhart was thrown backward as his unfinished spell backfired. The impact, unfortunately, knocked some rocks down from the ceiling, separating Harry and Ron. They tried to shift some rocks, but they were completely cut off from each other.

"I'll go on ahead," said Harry.

Ron reluctantly agreed. It was at that moment that Lockhart got up and looked around, rather confused.

"Hello," said Lockhart. "I can't seem to remember who I am…or what I am…or where we are…or what anything is. What's that?"

Ron, feeling a little uncomfortable, looked at where Lockhart was pointing and said, "A rock."

Lockhart: "Oh. And what's that?"

Ron: "A wall."

Lockhart: "Oh. And what's that?"

Ron: "My Robes."

Lockhart: "Oh. And what's this?"

Ron: "Your robes."

Lockhart: "Oh. And what's that?"

Ron: "That's it, I'm outta here!"

Ron ran off, and Lockhart chased after him.

Lockhart: "Wait! I have so many more things to ask what they are! Hey! What's this thing we're doing with our legs to make us go so fast! This is fun!"

Ron: "Would you please shut up!"

Lockhart: "Shut up? What's that mean?"

Ron: "GAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"


	40. Chapter 41

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

What if Harry had to defeat the basilisk without any help?

Chapter 19

By

Jason Richard

Harry stumbled into a large chamber, supported by columns shaped like snakes. There was also a statue in the back shaped like an old man with a suspiciously basilisk sized hole where the mouth should be. Harry didn't notice that, however, as he saw Ginny lying down on the floor, unconscious. Harry ran to her and kneeled down, taking her hand.

"Ginny?!" He asked urgently. "Ginny?! Can you hear me?!"

She didn't move aside from her eyes, which shifted underneath her eyelids. Poor Ginny, Harry thought. What fresh nightmares must she be experiencing in this state?"

 **Meanwhile, in Ginny's dreams:**

Harry stretched out his hand, wearing a white Tuxedo, and said, "May I have this dance, from the most beautiful girl in the world?"

Ginny: "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

 **Back in the real world:**

Harry looked up at the sound of footsteps. Harry looked up to see none other than Tom Riddle himself, in the flesh. There was a strange shimmer to him that Harry noticed, no doubt because he was a memory in a diary.

"Harry Potter," said Riddle. "So nice to…huh. Ginny was right. Your eyes really are as green as a fresh pickled toad."

Harry: "What?"

"Nothing!" said Riddle, a little flustered. "Just…just here."

Riddle scooped up Harry's wand, which Harry hadn't even realized he'd dropped.

Harry: "Hey! Give that back!"

"Nope!" said Tom. "It's mine now!"

Harry: "Jerk move Riddle! Jerk move!"

"Hey," said Riddle, shrugging. "That's par for the course for the heir of Slytherin and the guy who'd become the dark lord. And believe me, I may just be a memory stored in a diary, but I'm as good as the real thing now. How the greatest sorcerer in the world lost to a baby like you I'll never know."

Harry thought about that, then said, "Voldemort. As a seventeen-year-old."

"You…" said Riddle. "You don't seem very scared."

"Well," said Harry. "You were a lot more frightening as a face on the back of some dude's head. This is like when Darth Vader became Anakin. Taking a powerful dark lord and turning them into a whiny teenager just isn't scary."

"The dark lord is not whiney!" cried Riddle.

Harry: "Waaaaah! I'm a powerful dark lord and losing to a baby's no fair! Waaaaah!"

Riddle: "That does it. BASILISK!"

The giant snake slithered out from the mouth of the statue in the basilisk and raised its head up next to its master.

"Alright," said the snake unhappily. "What should I do to this one? Petrify him with a vanity mirror? A window? Do you have the ghost of Steve Irwin to petrify him and humiliate me completely?"

"Nope," said Riddle. "The boy's snake chow."

Basilisk: "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"

Harry ran, the basilisk at his back, and shouted out the first thing that came to mind.

"Albus Dumbledore is the greatest sorcerer in the world! Here I am, asking for help…exactly as I said! Surely some help is going to come right out of nowhere and save the day! Right?!"

…

Fawkes sat in Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore himself stood there, trying to coax the bird off of his perch.

"Oh come now Fawkes," said Dumbledore. "Don't be like that. I'm sure the author of this fanfic didn't mean to forget writing you into the Dumbledore's office scene. He's so focused on jokes that he sometimes forgets certain things. Naturally, he couldn't forget to write the scene where you save the day. Isn't the cool part of your role in the story way more important?"

The orange and red bird, who had been sulking in the corner, cheered up upon hearing this. The phoenix spread his wings, ready to take flight…

"Dumbledore!" cried Fudge. "What are you doing here?! You were dismissed as headmaster!"

Dumbledore: "Haven't you heard? An eleven-year-old thinks I am the greatest sorcerer in the world!"

Fudge, distracted by how strange that sentence was, got his bearings and said, "I'm facilitating the arrival of a new headmaster. Get out of here before he sees you! And take that silly bird with you!"

Fawkes the phoenix flew out the window, making a sound somewhere between a sob and a squawk.

Dumbledore: "Oh now look what you've done. You've upset him! Now he's too distraught to help an eleven-year-old defeat a giant snake and a memory kept in a diary with a tiny little sword."

Silence, and then…

Fudge: "I…I have no idea if you're joking or not."

…

For some reason, Harry got the sinking feeling that he was utterly alone in this fight.

He ran into a side passage, the basilisk at his heels. He darted back and forth and managed to lose the basilisk by hiding in a corner, letting the thing slither past him. He then ran back to the main passage, seeing Riddle standing over Ginny. Harry needed a way to get his wand back, so he snuck up on him, and then…

Harry: "DUMBLEDORE HELP!"

Riddle: "DUMBLEDORE WHERE?!"

Harry snatched his sand and ran off, saying, "Haha! It's mine again!"

And Riddle's eye twitched.

At that moment the Basilisk slithered in, but Harry was way ahead of him. Looking at the reflection of the water on the floor Harry shouted the spell, "duct tapeicus!" that put pieces of duct tape over the snake's eyes. The giant snake started thrashing violently.

Harry: "Hah! Now, what' are you going to do?!"

The snake heard him, then opened his mouth and went CHOMP!

As Harry found himself inside the mouth of the snake, struggling to keep from being swallowed he realized he should have seen this coming. He struggled to keep from getting swallowed, but apart from being really gross, the saliva soaking his robes was really slippery. He thought of every spell he could think of, but couldn't think of one that would get him out of this. Unless he knew one that could make the basilisk gag…actually…there was one…

No…thought Harry. No…I can't…it's too gross…it's…sigh…no grosser than the position I'm already in.

So Harry reluctantly pointed his wand down the basilisk's throat and shouted at the top of his lungs, "EAT SLUGS!"

The basilisk's eyes grew wide, and then…

SPLAT!

For a moment the giant pile of slugs just lay there, squirming and secreting slime as the basilisk rushed off to throw up slugs somewhere else. Moments later a very, very, very upset Harry, with one of the basilisk's fangs stuck in his arm, crawled out of the slugs and got up, walking over to Riddle covered in slime.

"Well," said Riddle. "That was gross."

Harry: "I hate you."

Riddle: "Too bad. You're going to die soon anyway. You've got the poisonous fang of an ancient magical creature sticking out of your arm."

"Gee," said Harry furiously. "Is that what that excruciating pain is? I never would have guessed."

Harry pulled the fang out then kneeled down next to the diary, which lay next to the unconscious Ginny.

"Hah!" cried Riddle. "You can't destroy the diary like that. It's actually a rare magical artifact that cannot be destroyed, except by the rarest of magic, and the chances of you getting your hands on magic that rare before the basilisk poison kills you are pretty much zero."

Harry looked up, held the basilisk fang over the diary, and said, "Is basilisk venom rare enough magic?"

Riddle frowned.

"So," said Harry. "Let me get this straight. You have this incredibly powerful magical item that can only be destroyed by rare, hard to find magic, you just happened to have one of those types of magic at your disposal, and your plan was to put the item and the magic that can destroy it in the same room?"

As Harry waved the basilisk fang over the now vulnerable diary, Riddle frowned deeper and said, "Well anything will sound stupid if you say it with that attitude."

Harry: "Tell you what. You describe doing this in a way that doesn't sound stupid then I won't stab this diary."

Riddle thought about it carefully.

"Well," said Riddle. "I obviously brought you here so the basilisk would kill you. Obviously, if the real me couldn't kill you then a basilisk…actually no. There's nothing more likely to kill you than Voldemort so I would have stood a better chance doing it myself. Huh."

Riddle thought some more.

Then, to the side, they heard the basilisk throw up another pile of slugs.

Riddle: "Okay yeah, this was a stupid move."

Harry, "Thank you!"

So Harry stabbed the book, and Tom Riddle went POOF!

Harry took a deep breath, glad this was over.

Suddenly Ginny sat up and said, "YES HARRY I DO!"

Ginny, realizing that she was in a dark, cold chamber, looked over at Harry. He looked at Ginny in confusion and Ginny looked at him with embarrassment.

Harry: "Yes Harry you do what?"

Ginny: "Nothing."

Dumbledore showed up and said: "Nothing what?"

Harry and Ginny: "Ah!"


	41. Chapter 42

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

What if Harry freed Dobby another way?

Chapter 20

By

Jason Richard

So Fawkes healed Harry's wound with his tears, and that made Harry scream out in pain due to the amount of salt in those tears. Dumbledore then brought Him, Ginny, Ron, and an amnesiac Lockhart out of the chamber of secrets. Soon Harry and Ron found themselves face to face with Dumbledore in his office.

Dumbledore: "Over the past year you have broken over fifty school rules! There is sufficient evidence to have both of you expelled! Fortunately you do qualify for a pardon under the defeating evil magical artifact, dark lord, and/or monster clause, thereby rendering all previous offenses null and void."

Harry and Ron looked at each other and said, "Sweet!"

"Now," said Dumbledore. "I want you, Ron, to send a message to secure Hagrid's release from Azkaban."

"Sure thing!" said Ron, leaving. As he opened the door, he was passed by Lucius Malfoy and, hiding behind the man's robes, Dobby the house elf.

"Dobby!" said Harry. "You're Malfoy's house elf!"

"How do you know this elf's name?" demanded Lucius as Dobby cowered nervously.

Dobby: "Oh it's nothing, I'm sure Master Draco mentioned me or something completely non-incriminating like that."

Harry: "He warned me of danger at Hogwarts!"

Dobby: "No I didn't!"

Harry: "You were talking about the chamber of secrets the whole time!"

Dobby: "No I wasn't!"

Lucius: "I'd hope not. Not that a respectable family like my own would be involved in something like that, but if my house elf had given away family secrets, I'd have to have him whip himself with a foot long centipede."

"Oh…" said Harry awkwardly. "Um…sorry Dobby."

And Dobby just glowered at him.

"Lucius Malfoy," said Dumbledore in with an exaggeratedly friendly smile. "How nice to see you."

"How are you back in charge of Hogwarts?" demanded Lucius.

"Well," said Dumbledore. "The moment I left a student got kidnapped. Seems the ministry agreed firing me was a mistake."

"You never actually left," said Lucius. "You stayed at Hogwarts anyway."

Dumbledore shrugged and said, "Details. Also, ministry members seemed under the impression that you'd curse their families if they didn't do as you wanted. I wonder who gave them that idea?"

Lucius: "Time to go!"

Harry watched Lucius kick Dobby as they left, and despite the elf messing with him over the year Harry really felt sorry for him. Suddenly he understood why complimenting someone without throwing up was a challenge. If it was Draco Malfoy…he shuddered. He also wondered which was worse. Being forced to compliment Draco, or being forced to whip yourself with a foot long centipede.

Complimenting Draco Malfoy. Definitely complimenting Draco Malfoy was worse.

So Harry got an idea.

"Dumbledore," said Harry. "Can I have that diary?"

…

"I swear," said Lavender Brown as she went down the hallway. "When will I ever need that spell? And Professor McGonagall thought it would be the best spell to end this year on? When am I ever going to use a spell like that?

Yeah, thought Harry as he chased after Lucius. That had been a weird lesson. Still, he had other priorities at the moment.

"Mr. Malfoy!" cried Harry, running up to him and presenting Riddle's diary. "I think this belongs to you. I think you slipped it into Ginny's cauldron back in Diagon Alley."

"I think I don't know what you're talking about," said Malfoy, throwing the diary into a nearby trash bin.

Drat, thought Harry, I was hoping he'd hand it to Dobby to dispose of it, then Dobby would find the sock inside and be free, as house elves are freed if their master gives them clothing. Anyway, time for plan B. Maybe that weird spell from professor McGonagall will actually come in useful right now.

"Hey!" called Harry. "Dobby did warn me about danger this year!"

Dobby: "No I didn't!"

Lucius snarled and said, "Dobby!"

"Yeah," said Harry. "Said he couldn't say who was plotting things. Sounds like his family gave him order not to talk doesn't' tit?"

Dobby: "No I didn't!"

Lucius: "Dobby!"

Harry: "And he even tried to save my life by telling me to stay away from Hogwarts!"

Dobby: "Oh dear."

Lucius grabbed Dobby by the pillowcase the little elf wore and screamed, "You treacherous piece of trash! Go where you belong!"

And Lucius pulled his arm back to throw Dobby into the trash can, just as Harry had hoped. Now as the time for that weird spell he learned from McGonagall. He pulled out his wand and said, "Laundrius, freshius!"

And as Dobby sailed through the air, the garbage bin transformed so that Dobby landed in a laundry hamper.

Lucius looked at it with wide eyes, wondering what had just happened. And then…

Dobby: "Master has thrown Dobby into a laundry hamper."

Lucius: "Well…yes…I suppose I…"

Dobby: "Master has given Dobby all the clothes in this hamper."

Lucius: "No I haven't!"

Dobby: "Yes you have!"

Lucius: "No I…you know what? Fine. I gave you all of those clothes. I don't care. You were never a good servant anyway!"

And the elder Malfoy stormed off in a rage.

Harry sighed in relief. Who would have thought that a spell to turn a can full of garbage into a hamper full of fresh laundry would actually be useful? He walked over to the laundry hamper and said, "So you're free from the Malfoy's huh? I feel like a hero."

Dobby popped up out of the hamper wearing a small black robe and landed on the floor, saying, "You're definitely my hero Harry Potter! Is there any way Dobby can replay you?"

"There is one thing," said Harry. "Never try to save my life again."

Dobby: "Yes sir! The next time you're in mortal peril, I won't lift a finger!"

Harry: "Um…Dobby…I was joking…"

Dobby: "You could be trapped in the jaws of a dragon about to go up in flames and I wouldn't budge an inch!"

Harry: "Well let's not go that far…"

Dobby: "An army of giants could be stomping right towards you, and I'd let them go their way!"

Harry: "Dobby, please stop talking."

Dobby: "You could even be a prisoner inside Malfoy Manor as they await the arrival of he who must not be named going there to kill you once and for all, and I'd leave you to rot!"

For some reason, Harry couldn't fathom that last scenario sent chills down his spine.

"Well, see you!" said Dobby, disappearing and leaving a distraught Harry behind to stare around at the Hogwarts hallways with a frighteningly nervous expression on his face.

...

...

From the Author,

Thanks for all the positive feedback. It really keeps me going :)

Jason.


	42. Chapter 43

Harry Potter and the Room of Things no one Knows About

Chapter 21

What if Draco ruined everyone's day that year?

By

Jason Richard

So a feast took place in the great hall, celebrating the defeat of the Chamber of Secrets and the restoration of those who were petrified. Harry and Ron were reunited with Hermione and hugs were shared. Dumbledore announced that exams were canceled for that year, and Gryffindor house was awarded the house cup. It truly was a happy day, and everyone believed that there was no way someone could ruin it.

Enter Draco Malfoy.

…

Once again everyone was praising Harry Potter, the boy who lived...three times...how many times can one person survive the same Dark Lord? Surely it couldn't be the real dark lord who kept showing up. No these others had to be imposters. They had to be.

Some were even calling that Weasley the girl who lived. This was getting out of hand.

As he walked down the Hogwarts corridors, however, Draco's frustration turned to glee. He had a way to embarrass Potter now, and it involved him tapping on the walls every few minutes. Only Draco knew why he did this, or why his path led him to the great hall where a feast was waiting.

At the doors to the great hall, he stopped, took a deep breath, and stepped inside.

"Well well well!" Sadi Malfoy loudly. "If it isn't the boy who lived!"

"What do you want Malfoy?" Asked Harry in disdain.

"Yeah go away!" Said Ron. "Even you can't ruin a celebration like this!"

"Oh yeah?" Said Malfoy, grinning. "Harry forgot something. There was another creature that survived the chamber."

"Oh now what?" Asked Harry, rolling his eyes. "The hampster that lived? The fish that lived? The iguana that lived?"

"That last one is pretty close actually," said Malfoy, tapping the wall again. "The giant snake that lived!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione felt a shiver go down their collective spines.

"Are you insane?!" Demanded Harry. "You're leading the basilisk here?"

Malfoy: "What's a basilisk?"

And the basilisk, having managed to get rid of the scotch tape that Harry had conjured over its eyes, started coming out of a pipe in the wall, breaking through a weak section.

Harry: "Ghosts! Cover us."

The ghosts, many of whom knew what a basilisk was, immediately got in the way.

Justin, Colin, Nearly Headless Nick, and even the cat Mrs. Norris all said, "Oh no, not again!"

Filch: "Wait a minute, you can talk?"

And then...

…

"What were you thinking!" Demanded Snape as he sat with Draco in his office. "Bringing a dangerous creature into the great hall!"

"I..." Stammered Malfoy. "I thought it would be funny."

"Well no one's laughing," said Snape. "And no one is happy that every one of our students and the house ghosts have been petrified. The only one who's even a little happy is Hagrid.

…

Hagrid stood outside his hut and said with much joy, "My very own basilisk. Oh, happy day!"

The basilisk, wearing a blindfold and sitting next to Hagrid's dragon Norbert, tried to ask, "Please sir, might I have some food?"

But since Hagrid didn't speak parseltongue, Hagrid just replied with much affection, "Yes, I'm happy you'll be staying here too."

And the basilisk sighed.

…

"Okay," said Draco. "I messed up. I get it. But you've got to admit, Potter, Granger, and Weasley look funny? You know? Because all three of them got petrified mid sneeze?"

Snape, surprisingly, didn't find the sight very funny, and his face got very, very angry.

"You got the son of Lily petrified," he said angrily as he lifted his wand. "VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!"

And outside the office, you could hear Draco's girly screams of terror!

Moment's later Snape stepped out to find Dumbledore outside his office, a solemn look on his face.

"Did I hear screaming coming from your office?" Asked Dumbledore.

"Y...Yes," said Snape nervously.

"I see," said Dumbledore. "Well, carry on."

And Dumbledore walked off, leaving Snape to be relieved. And then Snape noticed the ghost of Slytherin, The Bloody Baron all covered in chains, hovering next to him.

Bloody Baron: "What did you do to him?"

Snape, hesitantly, said, "I altered his memory and made him think he's a muggle."

Draco: "I can't use magic and live in a cave!"

…

Many parents were noticeably upset at getting petrified children back from Hogwarts, but it wouldn't be until later before the mandrake roots could be made again. The Grangers looked at Hermione in horror, Arthur Weasley held Molly in his arms as she cried, and many other parents found themselves aghast at what had happened.

The Dursley's, however, just looked at Harry in their living room, frozen mid-sneeze, with annoyance. Vernon just shook his head and said, "It's going to be a long summer, isn't it?"

…

Epilogue: Lockhart's Boggart.

The Boggart that Voldemort left at Hogwarts to scare off defense against the dark arts teachers was concerned about this latest target. He could sense the fear within Gilderoy Lockhart, but it was faint. Apparently, the man had recently lost all his memories, and that included memories of his fears. The Boggart wasn't certain he'd be able to scare this one, but he had to try. The magic placed on him by his dark master compelled him.

Lockhart sat in his bed at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies. He knew he was a big deal and everyone wanted his autograph, but the reason why seemed to escape him. As he tried in vain to gather his memories, someone approached his bed.

It was the boggart, in the shape of a reporter from Witch Weekley.

"Professor Lockhart," said the woman.

"I'm a professor?" Said Lockhart. "Wow. I didn't..."

"I am from Witch Weekley," said the boggart woman. "And we are rescinding your most charming smile award."

Lockhart: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Suddenly his terror ceased for confusion, and he said, "Huh."

Boggart woman: "What?"

Lockhart: "It's the strangest thing. What you just said utterly terrifies me, but for the life of me I can't figure out why. Heh."

A moment of awkward silence passed.

Lockhart: "Are you sure you're rescinding my most charming smile award?"

Boggart: "Positive.

Lockhart, "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

End of Part Two.

Next up, Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz.


	43. Chapter 44

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 1

What if Fudge's attempts to protect Harry went too far?

By

Jason Richard

Harry woke up with a start.

"What?" Asked Harry. "Where am I? What's going on?"

Then he remembered getting petrified because Draco Malfoy led the basilisk to the great hall.

Harry: "I'll kill Draco!"

"That's nice," said Vernon Dursley. "Now off to school with you."

It was then that Harry realized where he was. He was standing at the front door of the Dursley house on Privet drive, and his luggage sat next to him as the three Dursley's stared at him like a stain on the floor that wouldn't go away.

"What happened?" said Harry. "How did you unpetrify me?"

"That school of yours sent some sort of potion that we poured over you," said Petunia. "And now it's time to go to school."

"So," said Harry. "I slept through my summer staying with my Aunt, Uncle, and cousin?"

Dudley: "Pretty much."

After an awkward pause, Harry asked, "Did I miss anything?"

Vernon: "You missed Aunt Marge visiting."

Harry: "FANTASTIC!"

…

Cornelius Fudge sat in his office writing a letter that would go out to all of the Ministry.

Dear Aurors,

As you well know, the notorious killer Sirius Black has escaped Azkaban prison. Harry Potter is assumed to be his target, so he is to be brought to safety as soon as possible and put under ministry protection. However, we do not wish to alarm a student who is returning to school either. Therefore you are instructed to instill in Harry the absolute necessity of keeping safe from danger while telling him that there is no danger whatsoever that he needs to keep safe from. I'm sure this will not be any problem and won't confuse young Harry at all.

Sincerely,

Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic.

…

As Harry walked down the street he saw a small black dog in the bushes. It looked a bit ragged but didn't look dangerous. Harry approached, but then out of nowhere...

"Harry Potter," said a wizard in a large cloak.

Harry: "Gah! Where did you come from?"

"I'm from the ministry of magic," said the wizard. "I'm here to take you someplace safe."

"Someplace safe?" said Harry. "Is there something dangerous out there right now?"

Wizard: "Not at all."

That answer took Harry off guard.

Harry: "Ooookaaay...So we're going to The Leaky Cauldron?"

"Of course," said the Auror. "Where you will be put under twenty-four-hour surveillance with one hundred of the most skilled wizards in the ministry acting as bodyguards."

Silence.

Harry: "And there's nothing out there that I should be afraid of?"

Auror: "Nothing whatsoever."

Harry: "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Say is that a dragon over there?"

Auror: "What?! Where?! I'll protect you!"

The Auror looked over but didn't see anything. Confused he turned back to Harry, only to find Harry was getting onto a blue, triple-decker bus that was speeding off into the distance.

"Huh," said the Auror. "I wonder if I could have handled that better?"

…

The triple-decker bus that Harry got on had three things that stuck out to him. One, it was called the night bus even though it wasn't driving at night. Two, it went fast, really...ridiculously fast...so fast that if it didn't have an invisibility charm it would have gotten pulled over. And three...the speed was making him sicker by the minute.

Finally, the bus came to a stop right outside the Leaky Cauldron. Passengers stepped off the bus, moaning with nausea. A couple of people even went to garbage cans to throw up. Stan Shunpike, the night bus's conductor, stood at the bus doorway and shook his head.

"Why does everyone do that when they get off the bus? Mental."

Harry, just barely managing to keep his own lunch down, he looked up at the Leaky Cauldron...and saw an army of what must have been a hundred Aurors surrounding it...all wearing black suits and sunglasses.

"It's okay," said the head Auror. "There is absolutely nothing dangerous going on whatsoever."

Harry, in his most deadpan voice, said, "Yaaaaaaaaaaaay."


	44. Chapter 45

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 2

What if Harry saw something Else when the Dementor's attacked?

By

Jason Richard

"I mean it, Hermione," said Ron as they stood in the Leaky Cauldron. "You keep that mangy beast away from Scabbers!"

Harry walked in on Ron and Hermione arguing, which didn't surprise him. What did surprise him was what Hermione was holding. It seemed like she'd taken a fur coat, bundled it up into a ball, ripped it to shreds with a pair of scissors, and then used a spell to bring it to life.

"It's a cat's nature to chase rats," said Hermione indignantly. "He's perfectly sweet to people. Don't you think so Harry?"

The pile of fuzzy laundry growled at him.

Harry: "I'll have to take your word for it."

…

Later the trio went to Diagon Alley to get new school supplies. They didn't have trouble getting any, except for one. Turns out Hagrid was going to be the new care of magical creatures teacher, and his choice of textbook was...interesting.

They approached the bookstore to find the bookstore owner.

"How can I help you?" The guy said.

"We need The Monster Book of Monsters," said Harry.

"Ah," said the bookstore owner. "Jerry! The monster book!"

The employee sweeping up in the back looked uncomfortable and said, "The books with teeth? Do I have to?"

"Yes," said the owner.

The employer put some gloves on and made his way to the back. After a minute they heard a loud, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The owner checked, then came back and said, "Say, does any of you need a job?"

All three of them backed away nervously.

…

They did manage to get the books, each locked down with chains and a padlock. These things caused their luggage to shake as the fanged books tried to escape, but they managed to get all their books just the same. Soon they found themselves boarding the Hogwarts train. The only compartment they found that had any room also had a teacher in it, a teacher with the name Lupin on his luggage. They went in quiet as Professor Lupin was sleeping, and they waited for the train to reach Hogwarts.

Suddenly, and without any warning, a wave of cold seemed to hit the train, and they felt...strange. Curiously and cautiously they went to the compartment door and poked their heads out. Out in the train's hallway's, they saw strange creatures in cloaks, their presence setting all of them on edge. The creatures floated a few inches off the ground, gliding along as their icy presence got closer and closer.

"What are they?" Asked Ron.

Hermione: "I don't know, but they make me feel..."

Harry: "Like they suck all the happiness from the world."

The other two nodded in agreement. After a moment

Harry: "They look like Ringwraiths."

Both Hermione and Ron gave him a funny look.

Hermione: "They're nothing like Ringwraiths Harry."

Harry: "They wear dark cloaks and surround themselves with an aura of dread wherever they go. Sounds exactly like Ringwraith to me. Give them a sword and a black demon horse and you basically have a Ringwraith. What's so different about these guys from Tolkien's creation?"

Hermione: "These things float."

Harry: "Oh yeah, that makes all the difference."

Ron: "What's a Ringwraith and who's Tolkien?"

Harry: "A ringwraith is basically these things..."

Hermione: "Hey!"

Harry: "And he's the famous British author who wrote The Lord of the Rings."

Ron: "The Lord of the Rings? Sounds like the biography of a jewelry maker."

Hermione: "It's nothing like that! It's an epic fantasy story!"

Ron: "So it's not about a guy who makes jewelry?"

Hermione hesitated to answer.

Hermione: "Well there's a guy who makes jewelry in it..."

Ron: "Uh-huh."

Hermione: "But it's evil jewelry that helps him take over the world...I swear it's more awesome than I'm making it sound."

Ron: "I'll say. I wouldn't be caught dead in a story about evil jewelry."

…

Voldemort, a spirit hiding in the wilderness, felt strange.

Voldemort: "Huh. I swear I can feel a couple of my horcruxes tingling. Specifically, the jewelry ones. Weird."

…

"Well, it's not as embarrassing as you make it sound!" Said Hermione indignantly.

Ron: "Whatever Nerd."

Hermione: "Ugh! You...you...wait. Ron, don't you see what's happening?"

Ron: "What?"

Hermione: "We're being so mean to each other because of those things out there and the way they suck out all happiness from the world."

Ron: "Oh my...you're right. Why would I say things like that to you? I'm sorry."

Hermione: "I'm sorry too."

And they hugged. Harry, however, was confused.

Harry: "But you guys always argue..."

Hermione: "Shut up Harry we're having a moment."

Harry: "Okay."

Harry waited, and found himself getting affected by those creatures. He really did feel like all the happiness in his life was disappearing. And suddenly, he collapsed, his mind left with visions of terrible things.

"Harry," said Hermione, shaking him. "Are you okay?"

Harry, a horrified look coming to his face as he woke up, said, "No. I've just seen something...horrible."

Ron, nervously, and with great concern for his friend, asked, "Did you see...you know...your mum's death?"

Harry: "Worse. I saw...I saw...Draco Malfoy doing standup comedy."

…

Draco: "So how many Muggles does it take to hex a garden gnome? None. Because they can't do magic. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

…

Hermione and Ron were stunned.

Hermione: "That's the most terrible thing I've ever heard of."

Ron: "Agreed."

Harry: "How do you think I feel? I had to see it!"

"Oh dear," said Professor Lupin, who had finally woken up. "Dementor attack leave you rattled? Well, we can't have that. Here, have a cure for unhappiness.

He handed the three of them something and they looked at it uncertainly.

Ron: "This is Chocolate."

Lupin: "As I said."

The three of them ate some chocolate.

Hermione: "I do feel a little better." And the boys nodded in agreement.

Ron: "Do...do you have any peanut butter cups?"

Lupin smiled, reached into his luggage, and pulled out some tin foil covered peanut butter cups. All three of the teenagers took the candies and uttered a soft, "Best teacher ever."


	45. Chapter 46

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 3

What if students misunderstood what dementors were?

By

Jason Richard.

In the great hall of Hogwarts, as the feast was about to begin, Draco Malfoy taunted Harry.

"You fainted on the train?" Asked Malfoy. "You actually fainted?"

"No," said Harry crossly, trying to enjoy his dinner in peace. "I didn't faint..."

"Harry!" Cried Neville suddenly. "I heard you fainted too!"

Malfoy burst into laughter, "So only the pathetic ones fainted? That's great!"

Harry glared at Neville, who backed away slowly and nervously.

Next, Dumbledore approached to make his speech for the year. He seemed more...serious than normal. He wore a deep frown, and his eyes pierced the soul with a warning of danger to come.

"Students," said Dumbledore. "I'm certain you've already heard that the dangerous criminal, Sirius Black, has escaped from Azkaban. Unfortunately, there is some...concern that he'll try to infiltrate Hogwarts, so the ministry of magic is sending...agents...here...in order to capture him. These...agents wear dark cloaks, and under those cloaks are the vilest, most terrible creatures that suck the very happiness from a person's soul."

"Used Car salesmen?" One student offered, opening the floodgates.

"Lawyers?"

"Politicians?"

"Internet trolls?"

"Slytherins?"

"Mudbloods?"

KABOOM! A dozen wands send the owner of that last guess flying and screaming through the air before crashing through a window and soaring all the way to the black lake where the giant squid grabbed him with a tentacle and dragged him under.

Dumbledore: "Well apart from that last suggestion those were all great guesses. But no, what rests underneath the black cloaks are non-other than the dementors of Azkaban."

Murmurs filled the room as students found themselves shocked. Many of them had at least heard of dementors, even if they knew little about them. Many were already frightened.

"They're bringing those evil things here?" said Harry. "That's insane!"

"How do you know they're evil?" said Draco snarkily. "They might be quite pleasant under those cloaks."

Harry: "Their name sounds like DEMENTED! You could wear a sign that literally says, 'I'm Evil,' and it wouldn't say they're evil as much as calling them Dementors!"

Dumbledore: "Children, children, settle down, it's not all bad. I argued with the Minister quite strongly about this. They will guard the perimeter of the grounds, but will not be let inside."

Most of the students let out a sigh of relief, including many of the Slytherins, which the Gryffindor's found surprising.

"But have a care," said Dumbledore. "Do not approach the Dementor's under any circumstances, and make every effort to stay out of their way. It is not in the nature of a Dementor...to be forgiving."

Many students swallowed nervously, while Harry glanced around his table and said, "See? Pure evil."

Many kids nodded to that.

...

Later the trio also found that Hagrid would be a teacher now. Specifically, he would be the care of magical creatures teacher. They all congratulated him and were excited until they realized he would bring dangerous animals to class. That made them a little nervous.

Anyway, they made it to the Gryffindor common room, as Harry lay in his bed, ready to go to sleep, he felt content.

He was home at last.

Hermione: "NO RON I WILL NOT FORWARD YOU MY HOMEWORK! YOU HAD ALL SUMMER TO DO YOURS!"

Ron: "Oh come on Hermione! Just this once?! I'll do better next time!"

Percy: "FRED AND GEORGE DON'T YOU DARE PUT THAT STINK BOMB IN..."

Harry heard a KABOOM! And then the whole room smelled rancid, making students flee from their beds. Harry, meanwhile, just lay there.

Yep, he was definitely home.


	46. Chapter 47

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 4

What if Draco learned his lesson even less?

By

Jason Richard

Harry, Ron, and Hermione's first class was a new one. Divination. The art of seeing the future. The sat down to class to find a woman in glasses so large they were practically goggles...and it wasn't as if her eyes weren't big enough already.

"Welcome!" she said, exaggerating her words to sound dramatic but really sounding silly! "To Divination class! Here you will learn the arcane arts that allow us to see...INTO THE FUUUUUTUUURE!"

Hermione: "I think you're overselling it a bit."

"NOOOOOOOO!" said the woman, whose name was Professor Trelawney. "I AM SELLING IT JUST ENOOOOUGH!"

Two girls, Lavender Brown and Pavarti Patil, took notice and said, "Oh well if she's selling it this much then divination must be amazing."

Hermione: "Oh good grief!"

They all moved to various divination techniques, such as crystal ball reading, card reading, and finally tea leaf reading. They saw all sorts of different shapes in them, most notably animals. Professor Trewlaney nodded to most of the students.

And then she saw Harry's.

"Gasp!" cried the professor. "My dear boy! You have...the grim! A most horrible omen! In the form of a black spectral dog! It is an omen...of DEATH!"

Everyone in the room gasped!

Harry took one look at his omen of death and frowned.

Harry: "It looks like a poodle."

Trelawney. "Yes..." he leaned in to look Harry in the eye and said, "The evilest form of the grim there is."

For a few moments, the room was silent, and then...

Ron: "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

Then he cringed, expecting Hermione to hit him for being disruptive in class, but then he saw her sitting there with a disapproving look directed at Professor Trelawney."

Ron: "Hermione? You're not upset that I did that?"

Hermione: "I don't care if you disrupt the class of this old fraud."

Ron: "Sweet!"

…

As the three went to their next class, Ron was befuddled and said, "But Hermione, ancient runes is at the same time as divination. You mean to tell me that you went to two classes at once?"

Hermione: "Don't be silly Ron. How could anyone be in two places at once?"

Ron: "So...you aren't going to ancient runes?"

Hermione: "Of course I am."

Ron: "But they're at the same time. You'd have to be in two places at once to go to other classes."

Hermione: "Don't be silly Ron, how could anyone be in two places at once?"

Silence.

Ron: "Is this a prank?"

Hermione: "Do I look like Fred or George?"

Ron: "They could use polyjuice potion."

Hermione: "Well, regardless, I'm going to both classes, but I'm not in two different places at once even though the classes take place at the same time."

Ron: "Gee...that's cleared that up."

Harry: "Hermione, he has a point. Just how are you attending both classes at the same time?"

Hermione: "Oh look there's Hagrid with a dangerous beast!"

Harry and Ron gave panicked looks and said, "Where?!" and Hermione breathed a sigh of relief.

As they approached Hagrid's hut, they all noticed Hagrid standing next to a bunch of creatures with the bodies of horses, but the head, wings, and talons of eagles.

"Gather round," said Hagrid. "Gather round for the first lesson of the year! For our very first lesson, I'm here to introduce you to one of the most amazing creatures in the world!"

As if on cue every single student pulled out football helmets and padded jerseys and put them on.

"Okay Hagrid," said Ron. "We're ready for the creature."

Hagrid: "Oh don't be so dramatic. Now come on. These are Hippogriffs. Beautiful aren't they? Now, Hippogriffs are very proud creatures. Never insult a Hippogriff. It might be the last thing you ever do."

The students gave each other looks, pulled out their wands, and transformed the football helmets and padding into steel plate armor.

Hagrid: "Now see here! There's no need for that! Hippogriffs absolutely won't harm you! Unless you insult them...or look at them a way they don't like...or make a noise they find annoying...or ignore them when they want attention...or touch them the wrong way. I mean wow, if you touch them the wrong way they will eviscerate you. But apart from any of that, they absolutely won't harm you. Harry? Why don't you go first."

Harry sighed and said, "Why me?"

So Hagrid had Harry bow to a hippogriff named Buckbeak, and despite a short evil look in the creatures eye it let Harry approach and stroke him. Once the creature warmed up to Harry he was actually quite nice. Harry was still nervous to ride the flying creature, but once he did it wasn't too bad. It was no broom, but it was kind of interesting.

Soon all the students got to pair with a hippogriff, and no one got hurt. Well, no one except for someone stupid.

"Yeah," said Draco, stroking Buckbeak. "You're not dangerous at all are you? You great, big ugly brute."

The next thing Draco knew he was lying on the ground, a Hippogriff's beak was embedded in his arm, and he was screaming like a little girl.

Draco: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

It took Hagrid a few moments to break it up. Most of the students were pretty shaken up, even Harry, Ron and Hermione.

"Wow," said Harry as Hagrid watched over Draco. "I never thought I'd feel sorry for Draco Malfoy."

Draco: "Just wait till my father hears about this. You stupid hippo..."

Buckbeak pounced.

Draco: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Hagrid: "Buckbeak!"

Hagrid had to break it up once again. And as he was leading Buckbeak away...

Draco: "You'll pay for that you dirty, filthy little..."

Buckbeak pounced.

Draco: "AAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Hagrid: "Buckbeak!"

Once again Hagrid had to separate them.

Draco: "My arms never going to work again! What is wrong with that retarded..."

Buckbeak pounced.

Draco: "AAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Hagrid: "Buckbeak!"

Harry: "I take it back. I don't feel sorry for him."

Hermione: "Yeah, you'd think he'd have learned his lesson by now."

Ron: "Say, Hermione, can you conjure up some popcorn? This is great!"

Hermione punched in the shoulder and he went, "Ow!"

Draco, meanwhile, had learned his lesson. He wouldn't insult the Hippogriff.

Out loud.

"Stupid bird...horse thingie," he whispered, so as not to be heard.

Buckbeak heard him, and growled, slowly turning around despite Hagrid's attempt to keep him away.

Draco swallowed nervously and said, "I didn't mean it?"

Moments later the heir to the Malfoy household had never run so fast in his life.


	47. Chapter 48

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 5

What if the Class did something else with the Boggart?

By

Jason Richard

In potions class, Snape yelled at Neville for messing up, so it was a pretty typical day for Snape. Harry was pretending to get his work done, though he was more focused on glaring at Malfoy. The Slytherin's body was in bandages, bragging that he could get Hagrid fired. You'd think getting attacked by a wild animal over and over again would humble someone, but apparently, Draco was immune to intelligence.

"Hey Harry," said Malfoy tauntingly.

"What?" Whispered harry.

"I'm surprised you've been so passive, given certain circumstances," said Draco. "If I were in your shoes, I'd be going out for revenge."

Now Draco was actually talking about Sirius Black, as he knew something about why the man was imprisoned. It was a tale of betrayal and murder, involving Harry's parents. Harry, on the other hand, didn't know what Draco knew and assumed that this arrogant, smirking Slytherin was talking about the incident with Buckbeak and his threats to have Hagrid fired. This made Harry scowl and Draco smile smugly.

"Oh believe me," said Harry. "I'll give you revenge. How's a punch to the face?"

Draco frowned.

Draco: "That's it? Seems a bit tame all things considered."

Harry: "You want something bigger?"

Draco: "Well sure. I mean a punch is pretty lame. Even you can do better than that."

Harry: "Oh is that how it is?"

Draco: "Well yeah, how do you think it is?"

Harry: "Fine. I'll come up with a really...really...really cruel revenge...if that's what you want."

Draco: "Sure. Whatever you say.

Draco thought to himself, man, Sirius Black is going to kill him. Harry, meanwhile, was thinking of all the cruel ways he could get back at Draco for what he'd been saying about Hagrid.

Both of them grinned maniacally.

…

So, Harry, Hermione, and Ron went to Professor Lupin's first Defense Against the Dark Arts Class. Fortunately, the three of them all had a good impression of him as he knew the remedy for a Dementor attack. Apparently, he had also fended off the Dementors when Harry collapsed, so that was a good sign that he'd know what he was talking about during this lesson.

The chairs were cleared from the classroom, and Lupin stood next to a large wooden box as all the students entered. Every once in a while, the box would rattle and shake, hinting at something sinister within.

"Welcome!" said Professor Lupin. "Welcome to Defense Against the Dark arts for your third year. Today we're going to learn how to protect ourselves from a very interesting little creature called a Boggart. Who here can tell me what a boggart is?"

Hermione, predictably, gave the answer. It was a shapeshifting creature that could take the likeness on whatever one most feared.

"Very good," said Professor Lupin. "And there's only one way to defeat a boggart is with this spell. Riddikulus. With this spell, you can change the boggart from something frightening, into something funny. Laugher, students. That's the key to defeating a boggart. Now, Neville Longbottom, would you come forward please?"

Neville stepped forward nervously.

"Now tell us, Neville," said Lupin. "What is it you are afraid of?"

Neville: "P...professor Snape."

That made the class laugh, though secretly none of the other students could blame him. Professor Snape was pretty strict. Lupin then told Neville what to do and Neville acted. When Lupin opened the door, letting the boggart out, Neville said, "Riddikulus," putting the boggart Snape into his grandmother's clothes, an old lady's green dress and a large hat with stuffed bird atop it. Everyone laughed at that.

"Alright," said Lupin. "Who's next?"

"Actually," said Harry with a glint in his eye. "Could Neville step up to the boggart again? I want to do some...ahem...ridiculous things to Professor Snape."

Lupin, "Oh...Harry, I really don't think that's a good idea..."

"Oh yeah!" said Another student. "Then I hex Snape next!"

"Then me!"

"No me!"

"I wanna hex Snape!"

Lupin: "Oh dear."

And so the parade began. Harry made the boggart Snape do the, "I'm a little teacup," dance, Ron made boggart Snape make fart noises with his armpit, Seamus Finnigan made Boggart Snape act like each of the three stooges in turn, and Dean Thomas made boggart Snape fly up into the air and make the Wilhelm scream before crashing his head into the ceiling.

Neville Longbottom had never been so popular.

But it wouldn't last. It was right as a student had professor Snape cluck like a chicken with his arms bent behind him, that a cold, slithering voice said, "Well well well, I hope I'm not...interrupting something."

The class went silent, and stared at the real Snape, all the while the Boggart Snape kept clucking.

Snape: "Professor Lupin, in the future I hope you will try better to keep your students under control."

Lupin, quite embarrassed, said, "I'll try my best professor."

Snape: "As for you, students, since every single one of you seems to enjoy my company so much that you'd make a boggart look like me, you can all get some quality time with the real me in detention for the rest of the week. That is all."

The room went silent, no one daring to voice an objection. Snape turned away and left the classroom. Harry waited a moment, making certain Snape was out of earshot, then gave the Boggart one last hex.

Harry: "Ridikkulus!"

And Boggart Snape gave a really loud belch.

Before anyone could laugh, real Snape shouted, "Two weeks detention Potter!"

Harry: "Dang it!"

Meanwhile, out in the hallway, Snape was thinking, "Harry pulled off a perfect Ridikkulus charm. Lily would be so proud!"


	48. Chapter 49

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 6

What if the Fat Lady ran off for a slightly different reason?

By

Jason Richard

Harry was disappointed that he couldn't go to Hogsmeade, but Mr. Dursley hadn't signed his permission slip to go to the little wizarding town, so Harry was left out. That meant he had more time to practice Quidditch, but still.

Ron and Hermione weren't very encouraging. They tried, but every five minutes they had another argument about Hermione's cat trying to eat Ron's rat. It was aggravating. Even so, he wished them a good time. The one good thing that happened was a conversation he had with Professor Lupin, concerning dementors. The professor, seeing that Harry had nothing to do, had invited Harry to tea, which Harry accepted.

"So tell me, Harry," said Lupin. "If you had faced the boggart, what fear would you have been presented with? I would have assumed Lord Voldemort."

"What?" said Harry. "That guy I beat twice? Why would I be afraid of him?"

Lupin, "He killed your parents."

Harry: "That just makes me angry. Actually, I was expecting the boggart to turn into a Dementor."

Lupin: "I see. That suggests that what you fear most...is fear itself. That's very wise."

Harry raised an eyebrow. That seemed like a dubious thing to say. He tried to picture what being afraid of fear would look like.

 **Harry's Fantasy:**

Harry, Ron, and Hermione waited outside a house filled with vampires. They all shivered with fear.

Ron: "I'm afraid of the vampires."

Hermione: "So am I."

Harry: "I'm not. I'm afraid of being afraid of vampires. The image of me running away from them like a coward filled me with terror! I can't be a lily-livered weakling! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Harry ran inside and immediately got eaten by the vampires.

Hermione: "Huh. Being afraid of fear doesn't seem very smart to me."

Ron: "Agreed. Let's to the smart thing and run for the hills."

 **Back in the real world:**

Harry: "Actually professor, I'm not afraid of fear. I'm afraid of a creepy creature in a dark hooded cloak that sucks the life out of people."

Lupin: "Oh. Well never mind then."

"Professor," said Harry. "Why do the Dementor's seem to affect me more than everyone else?"

"Dementors are foul creatures," said Lupin. "They feed off of our happiness, leaving us with our worst experience and most horrid fantasies. Which was it for you? The terrible experience of your mother's death?"

"Horrid fantasy, sadly," said Harry. "Draco Malfoy doing standup."

"Oh good lord no!" said Lupin.

They both shuddered.

"So what can I do?" asked Harry. "Can you teach me a way to fight them?"

"Well," said Lupin. "There is a spell to fight Dementors, but it's very advanced magic. Normally I wouldn't even attempt to teach it to a student until they reached their seventh year, and even then not every wizard has been able to master it. Even so, since the dementors seem to affect you so, I suppose It's worth letting you try it."

Advanced Magic? It would be amazing if he could master it as a third year. He could just imagine the looks on people's faces.

 **Harry's second fantasy:**

As Harry waved his wand, a light shows of amazing magic danced above his head.

Harry: "Tremble at the might of the boy who lived!"

In the Corner, Draco Malfoy whimpered.

In another corner, Snape sulked.

In the third corner, Voldemort himself shook with fear and shouted, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 **Meanwhile, back in the real world:**

Harry sat there, a satisfied grin on his face, as Professor Lupin just raised an eyebrow.

…

Harry headed back up to the Gryffindor common room, feeling a little smug about the special training he'd be getting. As he went up the stairs, however, he found a large crowd waiting outside. He quickly realized that all of them were Gryffindor's, which couldn't be a coincidence.

Harry: "What's going on?"

Seamus: "The fat lady's missing from her painting. We can't get into the common room."

Looking up Harry could see that it was true. Dumbledore was inspecting the painting in front of their common room where the fat lady usually rested, waiting to hear the password from students. She was gone, and a few scratches rested where she normally did. Dumbledore ordered a search for the fat lady, but Filch found her immediately.

As Dumbledore went up to her, finding her hiding behind a lion in a painting of Africa, he asked, "Dear Lady, what happened?"

The Fat Lady just shook her head.

…

Earlier:

The fat lady sat in the painting over the door to the Gryffindor common room. Sirius Black, the notorious escaped criminal, snuck stealthily up the Hogwarts stairs to the Gryffindor common room. He had gone there for a singular purpose.

To kill someone...with this knife in his hand...to slice them up into little blood ribbons!

Wow, thought black, that train of thought does not jive well with my innocence.

In truth, the circumstances around Black's imprisonment were not what they seemed. Sirius Black hadn't committed the murder he's been imprisoned for. Many would assume he was going to kill Harry, but he wasn't.

He was just going to kill another boy's pet rat.

And yes, Black was aware that this didn't sound much better.

Even so. His reasons were not what they might appear, but Black knew his reasons would look nefarious. Heck, it sounded nefarious in his head. If he was to get into that common room, then he would need an alibi to get past the room's guardian. Something more innocent then...well...kill murder and destroy.

So he decided to turn into a dog. Everyone loved dogs right? She'd see him, find him cute, and let him in so one of the students could adopt him.

The fact that this was the best plan he had made him very depressed.

So the little dog walked up to the painting and barked.

The fat lady went, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Sirius black changed back into a scruffy human with tangled hair and a beard and said, "Huh. Apparently, the fat lady is afraid of dogs. How I spend seven years in Gryffindor and not know that? Also, this means my plan was worse than I thought."

He sighed, scratching the empty painting in frustration.

…

"Dear Lady," said Dumbledore to the fat lady in the painting. "Who did this to you? Please tell me you didn't run from another dog again? This is the third time this week."

The fat lady hesitated, embarrassed, and said, "No...it was...um...Sirius Black!"

Total silence, and then children screamed!

Dumbledore: "SILENCE!"

Total silence again.

Filch: "Well done sir."

Dumbledore: "Thank you. Now dear lady, are you certain it was Sirius Black?"

Fat Lady: "Absolutely!"

Dumbledore: "I see. Well, that must have been an ordeal."

Fat Lady: "Indeed it was."

Dumbledore: "Well, while you're recovering from your ordeal we'll get someone else to take over for your job. In the meantime, all of the professors will be on high alert for the bloodthirsty murderer clearly lurking within Hogwart's walls."

All the students opened their mouths...

Dumbledore: "NO SCREAMING!"

All the students closed their mouths.

Dumbledore: "Very good. Well, goodnight."


	49. Chapter 50

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 7

What was going through Snape's mind during the Werewolf lessons?

By

Jason Richard

"Ah!" said Harry cheerfully, waltzing into the defense against the dark arts class. "Time for class with my new favorite teacher!"

He opened the door and saw Snape where Lupin should have been.

Harry: "Oh no! My least favorite teacher!"

Snape, upon hearing this, thought it not unreasonable for him to be Harry's least favorite teacher. Snape was partially responsible for the Lily Potter's fate. This prompted him to start thinking: I must not tear up in front of Harry! I must not tear up in front of Harry! I must not tear up in front of Harry!...

"Welcome Mr. Potter," said Snape, hiding his misery about Lily's death behind his disdain for Harry's father. "How nice of you to join us."

"Where's Professor Lupin?" asked Harry.

"He is indisposed," said Snape. "Please take your seat and turn to page 394."

Harry grumpily did so and was surprised to find that the page in question talked about werewolves. They weren't due to talk about those until later that year. Of course what Harry didn't know is that Professor Snape had a specific reason for bringing this up. You see professor Lupin was actually a werewolf, and Snape while was forbidden from bringing this up, he wasn't forbidden from teaching about werewolves whenever he covered for Lupin after a full moon.

Surely Harry would get the hint.

"Now," said Snape. "The first thing you'll want to know about werewolves is how to recognize them. The first obvious sign will be that they tend to disappear mysteriously on nights with a full moon."

Ron: "Huh. Lupin's just disappeared, and it was a full moon last night. What an amazing coincidence!"

Harry, on the other hand, wasn't paying attention, but sulking that Snape was his teacher right now. Snape, meanwhile, figured he needed to spell it out for them just a bit more.

"Werewolves," said Snape dramatically, looking every student in the eye. "Are also very wary of clothing. You see when a full moon comes the transformation tends to happen without warning. Another potential sign that one is a werewolf, is that they were ragged, inexpensive, used clothing."

"Huh," said Ron. "Professor Lupin wears ragged, cheap, used clothing. What an amazing coincidence!"

Harry: "How do you know his clothes are used and cheap?"

"I saw one of his receipts," said Ron sulkily. "My family shops at the same store."

Harry didn't seem to be getting the hints. Poor Harry, thought Snape. Trying to think the best of people. If only he knew the truth that it was better to think the worst of people. Like I do. Still, I can't give up yet.

"And furthermore," said Snape. "Those who are secretly werewolves always have cravings for rare steak."

Silence.

Right, Snape thought, teachers don't share their dietary habits with students. Oh well. I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually.

…

Harry got ready for the Quidditch game against Hufflepuff, and their seeker Cedric Diggory, a tall, handsome student who was totally not a better seeker than Harry, or so Harry insisted to himself. This would be a difficult match for everyone as it was pouring rain outside. Visibility would be low, their clothes would get wet, it would be terribly cold, and there'd be lightning.

But that was better than losing at sports.

The game started and Harry immediately began looking for the snitch, hoping to end this game as soon as possible. He and Cedric Diggory flew around the stadium, trying to find it, but nothing came up.

For a moment he looked down at the ground and saw a black poodle. He would have been startled if he'd been in any way afraid. Despite Trelawney's insistence that a black dog was an ill omen, he didn't find it at all frightening. The dog did disappear surprisingly quickly, however, making him wonder what was going on.

As he flew, Harry suddenly felt colder than he had been a moment ago. Then he looked down and saw dementors floating down below, and nearly fell off his broom.

Harry: "No...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no! Don't make me see..."

Harry blacked out and saw:

Draco: "So a muggle and Harry Potter walk into a bar, and the bartender says they're not welcome because they don't serve muggles or half mudbloods...because they're stupid. HA! HA! HA!"

In the real world:

Harry: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

…

Harry woke up in the hospital, feeling groggy and disoriented. There was a crowd of people standing over him, and he could just make out Ron, Hermione, and the entire Gryffindor team.

"So who won?" asked Harry.

Hermione: "Harry, you've just blacked out and fell from several hundred feet in the air, and now you're asking who won the game?"

Ron: "Good. He's got his priorities straight."

Hermione punched Ron in the arm.

"Well," said Fred. "Cedric got the snitch and...your expensive nimbus 2000 broomstick flew into the walloping willow and got smashed to a thousand pieces."

Just outside the hospital room, Draco Malfoy started laughing hysterically.

Hermione: "Malfoy! I'll hex you into next week!"

And she rushed outside. Soon all of them heard someone screaming like a girl, and it wasn't Hermione.

Ron: "Well she has her priorities straight."

Harry: "This almost makes up for me losing my broom. Almost."


	50. Chapter 51

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 8

What went through Harry's mind when he heard Sirius Black's Story?

By

Jason Richard.

Harry walked through the corridors feeling miserable. His Nimbus 2000 was broken, he couldn't go to Hogsmeade, and there was a killer on the loose. He really hoped something would turn his life around.

"Hey Harry!" said Fred and George suddenly. "We have something that will turn your life around!"

"Wow," said Harry. "Great timing."

"Here," said Fred and George, handing Harry what appeared to be a blank parchment.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" asked Harry.

Fred pulled out his wand with a grin, put it on the parchment, and said, "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good."

As he pulled his wand away ink appeared on the piece of paper. It turned out to be a map of Hogwarts, with little footprints next to people's names. Apparently one could track people's locations in Hogwarts with this map.

"We nipped this little beauty from Filch's office first year," said George.

"We've made good use of it," said Fred. "But by now we've memorized where all the secret passages are and can sneak around without its help. We figure out legendary Gryffindor seeker can get better use out of it now."

Harry stared at them blankly.

"This is a pity gift isn't it?" said Harry. "Because I lost my broom."

George: "What? You don't want it?"

Harry slipped the paper into his robes and said, "I didn't say that."

"Good man!" said Fred. "Anyway, if you want to sneak into Hogsmeade, we recommend the One-Eyed Witch passage, which leads you right into Honeydukes' cellar. Have fun!"

…

Harry snuck to Hogsmeade through that very passage and met up with Ron and Hermione under his invisibility cloak. Hermione was aghast, but Ron managed to talk her out of telling the teachers. They visited a few places, including Honeydukes, Zonkos, and The Three Broomsticks for some butterbeer. It was in the three broomsticks that the three saw someone they didn't expect.

Cornelius Fudge, tailed by McGonagall, Hagrid, and Flitwick, and he was having a conversation with the owner, Madame Rosmerta. Apparently, there was to be a curfew, due to Sirius Black. She asked why he would be infiltrating Hogwarts, and Fudge mentioned Harry Potter.

Moments later, all three of them were hiding under a table in the same room as them.

Hermione whispered, "I don't want to get expelled...I don't want to get expelled...I don't want to get expelled...I don't want to get expelled..."

Ron: "Shoosh!"

"Tragic stories all around where black is concerned," said Fudge. "He was a Voldemort fanatic, who killed thirteen muggles."

"Not to mention Peter Pettigrew," said McGonagall. "He was friends with James you know and chased after Sirius Black after their deaths. He just couldn't believe that their friend, whom James and Lily had named the godfather of their son, would betray them to Voldemort."

Wait, thought Harry, Sirius Black is my godfather?

In Harry's mind:

Harry stood on a catwalk, overlooking a chasm within a space station, cradling a hand that had recently been taken off. Sirius black stood on the other side of the catwalk, grinning maniacally and brandishing his wand with a red light.

Harry: "You killed my parents!"

Sirius: "Yes Harry, and I...am your Godfather!"

Harry: "Nooooooooooooooooo!"

Back in the real world:

Ron covered Harry's mouth to stifle the scream. When Ron pulled away Harry said, "Thanks," and Ron said, "You owe me for drooling on my hand."

"Anyway," said McGonagall. "Black was the Potter's secret keeper when they were hiding from him who must not be named. Secret keeping is a powerful charm where one person is entrusted with a secret, and the charm prevents anyone from discovering it unless the secret keeper tells him, and he told you know who."

"And," said Fudge. "It was Peter Pettigrew who went after him, and Black killed him, leaving behind just a finger. And the poor lad has every right to be angry with black. If Black hadn't betrayed them, Harry's parents might still be alive, and now Black had come to Hogwarts, hoping to finish the job his master started that very night by killing Harry Potter."

Harry clenched his fists.

…

Once they got away Harry, under the invisibility cloak, fumed. So this man was coming for him, was he? Good. He'd be ready.

"Harry," said Hermione. "You can't be thinking of going after Black."

"She's right, Harry." said Ron, "If dementor's from Azkaban can't hold him, what can you do? It's not like your mother's protection magic protects you from him. That only works on you know who."

"I know," said Harry. "But there are so many other ways to hurt someone with magic."

And Harry grinned maniacally, making Ron and Hermione back away slowly.

"Harry," said Hermione. "You can't take revenge. You have homework."

"That's not going to help," said Ron. "You've made homework look even worse than usual."

Hermione: "What are you talking about?"

"You're taking every possible class!" said Ron. "Even when some of them take place at the same time! Even you're going to collapse from exhaustion eventually."

Hermione: "Don't be silly Ron. I won't collapse from exhaustion."

And right at that moment, Hermione collapsed from exhaustion.


	51. Chapter 52

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 9

What if Buckbeak Continued to hear Malfoy insulting him?

By

Jason Richard

Harry was in a bad mood all week. On top of finding out that a friend of his parents sold them out to Voldemort, Hagrid was worried about the hearing with Buckbeak. He, Hermione and Ron agreed to look through wizard law to see if they could help clear Buckbeak's name, but they didn't like their chances.

And on top of that, Draco Malfoy was still being a jerk, even while wearing a sling.

"It was horrible," said Malfoy. "The fearsome beast would have ripped apart the entire class if I hadn't bravely stepped in and put my life on the line."

"Oh you're so brave," said Pansy Parkinson.

And Harry threw up into a garbage can.

"But of course some people are jealous," said Draco, smirking.

"Oh shut up Malfoy!" said Harry, getting his breath back. "You screamed like a little girl."

Malfoy: "Like you did with the Dementor?"

Harry clenched his fists.

"I don't get why you're so upset," said Malfoy. "What do you care about a stupid, ugly monster like that buckwing."

Harry: "That's Buckbeak! Malfoy, you are the most disgusting person I've ever...does anyone else hear that?"

A distant screech started quietly but got louder and louder with each moment. Out the window, something flew towards it, getting closer and closer along with that screech.

It was, of course, Buckbeak, with angry bloodshot eyes.

Malfoy ran away and went, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Buckbeak crashed through the window and chased Malfoy out of the great hall.

Harry cringed. That was going to make Buckbeak's hearing worse.

…

It was Christmas day, but Harry wasn't much in the mood. Buckbeak could be executed, and the truth about Sirius Black weighed heavily on his mind. Even as he opened his presents he knew nothing would lift his spirits. What could possibly outweigh the horror of a framed innocent being killed and a friend betraying one's own parents?

Turns out an expensive toy did the trick.

"A firebolt!" cried Harry. "Fastest broom in the world!"

Ron: "And it came right after you lost your old broom. What incredible timing!"

Harry: "I know!"

Hermione saw and said, "You're not going to keep that are you? It was probably sent by Sirius Black and is filled with hexes!"

"He's on the run," said Harry. "How would he get one?"

Hermione: "He'd steal it! I'm sorry Harry, but if you don't get rid of it, I'll have to tell Professor McGonagall."

She stood up to go do that but then fell back down in her seat, snoring.

"Uh..." said Ron. "Hermione?"

Hermione: "I'M AWAKE!"

Awkward silence.

Harry: "Um...Hermione? You're not...doing too much schoolwork this year are you?"

Hermione: "Don't be silly Harry. There's no such thing..." her eyes glazed over and her head drooped before snapping back up. "As too much schoolwork."

She walked away, but unsteadily, like a person about to fall asleep.

"Yeah," said Ron. "She won't make it halfway."

…

"Harry," said Professor McGonagall. "Miss Granger tells me you received an anonymous broomstick."

Harry and Ron: "Dang it!"

…

Harry was grumpy as he went to his first Dementor fighting lesson with Professor Lupin. As he entered the office he found Professor Lupin standing over a box that rattled and shook every once in a while.

"Ah Harry!" said Lupin. "You're here."

Harry: "Is that a boggart?"

Lupin: "Yes. I figure since boggarts turn into dementors for you then you'll be able to practice with it, as opposed to with a real Dementor. Trust me, that will be significantly less dangerous."

Harry: "I appreciate that. So what kind of spell are you going to teach me?"

Lupin: "It's called a Patronus. You see a Dementor drains a person of their happiness, leaving a person with only their worst experiences, filling them with despair. A Patronus is a sort of positive force that can protect you from them. Unlike humans, however, a Patronus doesn't feel despair, so a dementor cannot hurt it."

Harry: "How do you summon it?"

Lupin: "The Charm is Expecto Patronum. You say that and think of a memory. A very powerful and happy memory."

Suddenly a little glowing pixie flew in and said, "A happy memory? So...you think of a wonderful thought?"

Harry: "Huh?"

Lupin: "Well, sort of..."

Pixie: "Any happy little thought? Like toys at Christmas? Sleigh bells? Snow? Oh, watch me now! Here I go." it flew around the room. "It's easier than pie! You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!"

And Harry hit it with a fly swatter, smacking it out the window as it went, "AAAAAAAAAAA!"

Harry: "Man that was annoying...references to endearing Disney movies not withstanding. So, happy memory?"

Lupin: "Happy memory."

Harry: "Okay. I've got one. Let's try it."

Harry pulled out his wand and Lupin got ready to open the case with the boggart inside.

It's okay, thought Harry. It's just a boggart. It's not really a dementor. I've no reason to fear having a vision of Malfoy doing standup.

…

In the Gryffindor common room, the sound of screaming started to get louder and louder until Harry burst in, shut the door behind him, and put his back to it, a look of abject terror on his face. He took a few hyperventilated breaths and finally calmed down.

And then he realized Ron was watching him.

Ron. "So I take it the Patronus lessons aren't going well?"

Harry: "Shut up Ron."

…

Lupin: "Okay Harry," said Lupin. "Let's try again."

Harry: "Okay. I'm ready."

Lupin waited.

Harry: "For real this time."

Lupin nodded then opened the box, unleashing the boggart which...of course...came out as a dementor. Harry, naturally, selected the best memory he had, which was the day he left privet drive for Hogwarts, leaving the Dursley's behind forever.

Or, you know, for a year.

This time when Harry said the spell a silvery cloud manifested between his wand and the fake dementor. It was able to hold it off and Harry was able to drive the dementor back into the box.

"Well done Harry!" said Lupin. "Well done!"

Harry took a deep breath and said, "Thanks, professor."

They sat down and Lupin said, "Impressive Harry. Manny full grown and fully trained wizards can't even get that far."

Harry looked surprised by that. Then he grinned evilly and walked off.

Lupin: "Where are you going."

Harry: "I'm going to go brag to the school and rub my success in Malfoy's face.

And Harry Left.

Lupin: "Huh...I wonder if I've made a mistake?"


	52. Chapter 53

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 10

What if Harry realized it was Malfoy on the field before the game was over?

By

Jason Richard

Harry also found out that no one truly knows what is under a Dementor's hood. According to Lupin the only people who've seen have lost their souls. Apparently, Dementors are such bad kissers they cause a person's soul to leap out of their body so they can escape it.

Harry gave Lupin a funny look for that.

Harry wandered through the Hogwarts corridors feeling a little weirded out by this. Things looked up, however, when McGonagall approached with the Firebolt.

Well," said McGonagall. "There's no hexes. Seems you have a good friend out there somewhere.":

Harry: "Whoo Hoo!"

Harry ran to the Gryffindor common room to tell Hermione and Ron. Nothing could possibly ruin this moment. And then he got to the common room...

Ron: "Your cat killed Scabbers!"

Hermione: "That's not true!"

Harry: "AAAAAAAAND the moment's ruined."

…

So the Gryffindor vs Ravenclaw game was ready to go, and Harry managed to get Hermione and Ron to stop arguing and support him. It didn't mean they talked to each other, in fact, they pretended the other didn't exist in Harry's presence, but at least they weren't yelling at each other.

Harry's only consolation was that he would get to try out his new firebolt.

The game went pretty well for Gryffindor Seekers, but Harry found himself fighting over the Snitch with Ravenclaw's seeker Cho Chang. Harry, then and there, made himself a solemn promise.

Harry: "I will not lose to Ravenclaw! I will win one hundred and fifty points for my team! I will catch the snitch before that Ravenclaw girl I...Oh wow, that Ravenclaw girl is pretty. I mean...wow. Cho Chang. And hey, she's a great flyer too. Look at her go! Wow."

He flew for a moment, just admiring her.

Harry: "Wait what was I doing?"

Wood: "Harry! The Snitch!"

Harry: "Oh right!"

And he flew after it, putting all his attention on it, and none on Cho Chang. None whatsoever. If anyone asked, that's exactly what he would say. That would work.

But then someone shouted, "Dementors!"

Harry hot his wand as he rode his broomstick. No Malfoy would be doing standup comedy in his mind. Not this time.

Harry: "Expecto Patronus!"

A silvery cloud flew out of his wand and struck the dementors.

And one of them had a familiar girly scream. Suddenly Harry realized it was Malfoy down there, putting on a dementor disguise to try and scare him. As the cloaked figure below got up, Harry suddenly realized he could hit him with his Patronus over and over again under the pretense that he still thought it was as a dementor. Everyone would understand. But was it worth potentially losing the game just to make Malfoy suffer a little?

Harry grinned.

Harry: "Expect Patronum!"

The silver cloud struck Malfoy who went AAAAAAA!

Harry: "Expect Patronum!"

The silver cloud struck Malfoy who went AAAAAAA!

Harry: "Expect Patronum!"

The silver cloud struck Malfoy who went AAAAAAA!

"I think you got it, Harry," said a very confused Cho Chang, watching him."

Harry: "I got something else too!" and he dove and caught the snitch.

Cho grimaced and said, "Walked right into that one."

Harry: "I'm awesome!"

Draco: "Are not!"

…

Sirius Black snuck into the Gryffindor common room quietly. Fortunately for him, some kid left a list of passwords lying about. Finally, he could get inside that room and kill that rat once and for all. Slowly he crept, making sure not to make a sound as he, a grown man, snuck into a room filled with sleeping children as he held in a knife in his hand.

Depressingly, he realized he looked like the villain in a muggle horror movie.

Slowly he crept to the bed of the red-haired kid who had the eleven toed rat. He just had to find it and kill it. Looking around, however, he saw scratches everywhere, as if something had been chasing a smaller creature. Interesting. Still, all he had to do was escape before someone saw him and gave him a deer in the headlight looks.

Like how the red-haired kid was looking at him right now.

Sirius froze.

Sirius: "I don't suppose you'd believe I'm here to clean the windows?"

Ron: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SIRIUS BLACK!"

Sirius: "Yeah that's what I thought."

And he ran.


	53. Chapter 54

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 11

What if Malfoy still couldn't keep his Mouth Shut?

By

Jason Richard

So Harry, Hermione, and Ron sat in the library, pouring through books that might help them in Buckbeak's trial. It wasn't looking good, especially since Malfoy kept opening his mouth and Buckbeak always seemed to hear it.

"How is he even getting away from Hagrid?" asked Ron. "I always see Buckbeak chained up!"

"Don't ask me," said Hermione, putting a book down. "Hagrid has since started putting him in a cage. The poor thing. If only Malfoy would keep his mouth shut!"

Malfoy: "Bet you'd love that wouldn't you Granger?"

Harry: "Oh here we go!"

Of course, Malfoy was there to taunt them. They looked over in irritation, but then recoiled in Horror.

Malfoy didn't look good. He was covered in bandages and looked like a mummy. Both of his arms were in slings, and his walking was stiff.

"Malfoy," said Harry. "Couldn't Madam Pomfrey heal you?"

"Mind your own business," said Malfoy. "Anyway, it's about time Hagrid put that disgusting beast in a cage. It will be nice to be able to speak my mind again." he cleared his throat and said, "Buckbeack is an ugly and stupid creature less valuable than a donkey."

Under his bandages, he grinned, and then...

Tap tap tap tap tap, the sound of birds talons tapping against the floor sounded through the library as, from around a bookcase, Buckbeak himself came up right behind Malfoy, the creature's eyes bloodshot with anger.

The Slytherin boy turned around and said in his most bewildered voice, "How?"

And the next moment Malfoy was running as Buckbeak screeched and went after him.

Moment's later Hagrid burst in and said, "It's terrible! Buckbeak's been sentenced to death!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione, their heads resting in their hands, all said, "Yeah, we figured."

…

Hermione actually apologized to Ron over Scabber's apparent death. Apparently knowing that Hagrid could lose his pet made her a little more sympathetic Ron's scenario. Despite Hagrid's bad news, Harry was glad they were talking. Naturally, they found something to talk about that they both agreed on.

Divination class was idiotic.

"Open your mind!" said Professor Trelawney. "Look beyond what is happening now and look to what will happen in the future!"

"Gee," said Ron dryly. "How are we seeing the future today? Let's see, we've looked at tea leaves, glass balls, playing with cards, and used a folded up piece of paper. What's next? Watching a dung beetle roll around a ball of dung for an hour?"

Trelawny: "Oh no dear, nothing like that. Today we're spilling the guts of a dead frog and studying how it's entrails land. Watching a dung beetle is on Thursday."

Hermione, snoring with her head on the table, suddenly sat up and shouted: "I'm listening professor!"

Trelawny: "Of course you are dear."

Ron: "Hermione, you really should give up a class or two. You're wearing yourself out."

Hermione: "Don't be silly Ron. I'm fine." Then her eyes glazed over, her head fell to the table with a thump, and she came up saying, "I'm awake!"

"Now," said Trelawney. "There have been more signs of Harry's impending death in these classes."

"Thanks for pointing them out," said Harry sarcastically.

"You're welcome dear," said the professor. "Now, I want you to analyze the various different incarnations of Grim we've..."

Hermione: "Oh not that ridiculous Grim again! Nothing is going to happen to Harry! This is ridiculous! I can't believe this is even a course at Hogwarts! I'd had enough!"

And Hermione got up to walk out.

Harry: "Whoa, Hermione, you're walking out of a classroom? You? Miss I'm taking every class this term because I just love school so much? That seems amazingly out of character."

Suddenly everyone heard an explosion outside.

Hermione, halfway out the door, turned back and said, "What just..."

Suddenly, Dumbledore's voice sounded throughout Hogwarts, saying, "Students, please don't be alarmed, but it seems that someone in this school has done something so out of character for them it has opened a rift in the time-space continuum. Please don't be alarmed as the teachers will all take the necessary steps to contain it, but know that if in the unlikely chance it does get out of control it will wipe out life as we know it. Have a nice day!"

Everyone looked at Hermione, who sheepishly went back to her seat.

Malfoy opened his mouth...

Hermione: "MALFOY IF YOU SAY ONE WORD I'LL HEX YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!"

Malfoy shut his mouth and looked down.

…

So later, after the time space rupture was sealed, Harry got his invisibility cloak and snuck through the secret passage to Hogsmeade. As he was using the marauder's map, however, he saw a name on it that didn't make any sense.

Peter Pettigrew was wandering on the Hogwarts grounds according to this, but that didn't make any sense. Peter Pettigrew was dead wasn't he? He had to find Ron and try to figure out what was going on.

He found Ron outside Hogsmeade. He pulled his cloak down to talk to him, and as his head was the only thing visible he opened his mouth to speak.

And then...

Malfoy: "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP!"

And Malfoy ran off.

Ron saw Harry's head and said, "You might want to run back to Hogwarts."

"Thanks, Ron," said Harry sarcastically.


	54. Chapter 55

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 12

The Further Adventure's of Snape's inner Monologue

By

Jason Richard

Despite Harry running as fast as he could Malfoy beat him back to Hogwarts, and before he knew it Harry had been called into Snape's office, which was easily the worst case scenario. He followed the sneering teacher reluctantly as he scowled at the ground.

Snape, for his part, wasn't pleased that he had to do this. He knew his muggle caretakers hadn't signed his permission slip and wasn't allowed to go to Hogsmeade. He felt sorry for him, but as usual, he couldn't let people know of his love for Harry's mother. So instead of giving Harry special treatment, he would go with his usual plan.

Overcompensate by being overly stern that Harry would hate him. That would work.

"Mr. Potter," said Snape. "We've had a very curious incident involving your head. Apparently, your head was seen just outside Hogsmeade. Interestingly, your head appeared to be separated from the rest of your body. I'm glad you seem to have found it again."

Harry: "Thanks. Can I go now?"

Snape: "No. Now, what was your head doing at Hogsmeade?"

"It wasn't," said Harry. "Malfoy must have been hallucinating."

Snape: "I never said it was Malfoy who mentioned this."

Harry: "It's always Malfoy who mentions things like this."

Snape: "So there have been things like this to mention in the past, have there?"

A pause, and then Harry said, "Um…no?"

Another pause, and then Snape said, "On a random hunch I'm going to tell you to turn out your pockets."

Harry hesitated and said, "I'd rather not."

A final pause and Snape grinned evilly. Irritated, Harry pulled out the blank Marauders map and handed it over.

"It's just a blank piece of parchment," said Harry.

Snape: "We'll see about that."

Snape put his wand on the parchment and said, "Reveal your secrets."

Then the parchment said out loud, "Shut up big nose!"

Snape frowned.

"Excuse me?" said Snape.

Harry: "It's just a zonko's…"

Parchment: "You heard me you big nosed, greasy haired, bat-faced Slytherin!"

Harry: "Please shut up."

Parchment: "Shut up yourself scarhead!"

Snape: "SHUT UP YOU FILTHY PIECE OF PAPER OR I'LL INCINERATE YOU!"

Harry was taken aback.

"You…" said Harry. "You didn't react this way when it insulted you."

On the outside, Snape was a cold mask of fury. On the inside, he was panicking. He'd almost let his secret out. Now what?

"Um…" said Snape. "It was a delayed reaction."

Harry: "Oooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaay."

"I mean really," said Snape. "Why would I be upset that someone insulted you. That would open an out of character rift in the time-space continuum bigger than the one Hermione opened when she walked out of a classroom in the middle of class."

Hermione, from the other side of the castle, could be heard shouting, "Oh would people shut up about that already!"

"Yeah don't give Hermione a hard time," said Harry.

"I'm a teacher," said Snape. "It's my job to give students a hard time."

"I thought it was your job to teach," said Harry.

"Yes," said Snape. "And one can learn a lot from constant hardship."

Harry: "Well then I'm learning a lot in your classes aren't I?"

Snape: "I'd hope so."

Harry: "So do I!"

Snape: "Good!"

Harry: "Good!"

All was silent for a moment as the two of them glared at each other, their eyes locked in an epic staredown as they both refused to blink first.

Parchment: "Wow, you two have issues."

Harry and Snape: "Shut up!"

There was a knock on the door, and Lupin entered, asking, "Is there a problem?"

Snape grabbed up the parchment and threw it at Lupin, storming out as he said, "You're the defense against the dark arts teacher. You deal with this. I'm through!"

And he slammed the door, breathing a sigh of relief knowing that Harry didn't suspect anything. Probably.

Back in the room, Harry said, "So Snape's was acting weirder than normal for a while there."

Lupin: "Harry, where did you get that map?"

Harry: "Uh…nowhere. How'd you know it was a map?"

Lupin: "Uh…no reason. Anyway, I'm going to take that into custody. It could cause a lot of problems if it fell into the wrong hands, especially if Sirius Black got it. It would lead him right to you."

As he picked up the parchment and walked off, Harry thought of something.

"Professor," said Harry. "I saw a name on that map that couldn't be possible. Peter Pettigrew."

Lupin's face grew cold. "That's not possible."

Harry: "I said that."

Lupin: "Trust me, it was worth repeating. Have a nice day."

And Lupin left, leaving Harry to wonder what that was about.


	55. Chapter 56

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 13

What if Trelawney predicted other things from the future?

By

Jason Richard

Despite that setback, Harry got some good news when Gryffindor won their match against slithering, winning the Quidditch cup for that year. He was on top of the world…for five minutes. He saw that black poodle again and that reminded him that he had divination class, which in turn reminded him that he, Ron, and Hermione were going to Hagrid's to comfort him about Buckbeak being executed.

But first, Divination. It was as mind-numbing as ever. This day, however, strange things happened at the end when Professor Trelawney wanted to talk with Harry after class.

"So sorry you won't be here next year dear boy," said Trelawney. "But the signs are clear. You are soon to die a terrible death."

"Thanks, professor," said Harry dryly. "Can I go now?"

Suddenly the googly-eyed professor's eyes went glassy and her expression became vacant.

"It will happen tonight." ... Professor Trelawney spoke again, in a harsh voice, quite unlike her own: "The dark lord lies alone and friendless, abandoned by his followers. His servant has been chained these twelve years. Tonight, before midnight. . . The servant will break free and set out to rejoin his master. The dark lord will rise again with his servant's aid, greater and more terrible than ever he was. Tonight. . . before midnight. . .the servant. . . will set out. . to rejoin. . . his master. . ."

The next moment she was looking at Harry like nothing had happened.

"Well," said Harry. "That was weird. Can I go now?"

"What was weird dear?" asked Trelawney.

Suddenly her eyes rolled in the back of her head and she spoke in that same harsh voice as before.

"It will happen year six," she said. "Hormone's shall run rampant. Love's will be confessed as hearts will be broken. Hermione shall be jealous of a girlfriend of Ron's…" Harry snickered. "And Harry will fall in love with Ginny."

Ginny, from her room in the castle, suddenly felt euphorically happy and didn't know why.

"Yeah," said Harry, rolling his eyes. "Like that will ever happen."

And Ginny, from her room in the castle, suddenly felt a phantom hand slap her across the face as she went, "Ow!"

"They will grow old and happy," said Trelawney, "And will name their son after Albus Dumbledore for the first name and after Severus Snape for the middle name."

Snape, in his office, perked up in elation.

"It's official," said Harry. "You're completely insane."

And Snape felt the phantom hand slap him across the face as he went, "Ow!"

Trelawney: "And the son of Harry Potter and the son of Draco Malfoy shall both join Slytherin and become best friends!"

Harry: "That's it! I'm outta here!"

And Harry ran away.

…

So Harry, Hermione, and Ron set out to Hagrid's. Buckbeack's execution was coming up, and naturally, the large man wasn't feeling well. Since it was dangerously close to after-hours Hermione suggested they take Harry's invisibility cloak.

As they came up to the cabin they saw Buckbeack chained to a stake ripping apart a small animal he had caught. The hippogriff looked up at them and warbled at them cheerfully.

Ron whispered, "I don't think he knows he's about to die."

Hermione punched him in the arm and he went, "Ow!"

They avoided the Dragon and the Basilisk that Hagrid a still had somehow, and they went inside. Hagrid was distraught, as expected. They cheered him up as best they could, but it's hard to cheer someone up about the impending death of a loved one.

Speaking of which, a particular loved one turned out to not be dead.

"Scabbers!" cried Ron and Hagrid pulled out the little rat. "You're alive!"

"Yeah," said Hagrid. "Found him sneaking around my rutabaga patch. Poor little guy looks paler than a rat should. Still, that's better than being...executed by having your head chopped off…" and Hagrid began sobbing.

"I'm sorry Hagrid," said Harry.

"Me to," said Hermione.

"Who's a good rat," said Ron. "Yeah, who's a good boy being alive."

Hermione: "Ron!"

"Oh…" said Ron. "Um...yeah. Sorry, Hagrid."

Hagrid just kept crying. Or at least they did until they realized that Dumbledore, Fudge, and the executioner were heading down the path towards them. Hagrid managed to get past his sobs long enough to usher them out under the invisibility cloak.

They escaped, and from a hidden path waited, knowing what was coming next. Unbeknownst to them, by the time Hagrid and the others went over to Buckbeak, the creature was gone due to reasons that we'll come back to. They were confused, except for Dumbledore, who just shrugged it off.

"Oh well," said Dumbledore. "Better luck next time. I'm going for a spot of tea."

"Most irregular," said Fudge.

"You know," said the Executioner, brandishing his hippogriff chopping ax. "I think this Hagrid has hidden him...or more likely had some friends hide him. You should really tell us if that's true. Otherwise..."

"What?" demanded Hagrid.

"Be a shame if you lost all your pumpkins," said The executioner. "Be a shame if something..." he chopped one. "Happened to them."

"Oh no," said Hagrid. "I worked on those all summer! Don't…"

And he chopped another.

Meanwhile Harry, Hermione, and Ron were unable to hear the conversation. They heard, however, the first chop. And the second.

"Wait," said Hermione. "What are they doing?"

CHOP!

"That's barbaric!" said Harry.

CHOP!

"What are they thinking?!" said Ron.

CHOP!

"What if he's still alive!" asked Hermione. "Suffering in agony because he's being chopped to bits! His hind hooves! His front logs! His legs! His wings! And finally, his head, leaving him a chopped up pile of meat on the ground for the vultures to eat!"

Awkward silence.

"Uh…" said Ron. "I'm pretty sure we'd be hearing his blood-curdling shrieks of agony if he were still alive."

"Oh right," said Hermione. "Sorry. Got a little carried away there." Awkward pause. "Still pretty barbaric though, isn't it?"

The boys agreed.

"Well," said Ron. "At least we got some good news. Scabbers is alive!"

And in his hand, the rat bit him.

Ron: "AAAAAA! I'll kill that rat!"

And Ron chased after him.

...

...

Hey guys,

Just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. And as always, thanks for reading.

Jason.


	56. Chapter 57

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

What if someone else from the past showed up?

By

Jason Richard

"I'll bite back you little rat!" cried Ron as he chased Scabbers angrily across the grassy field. "How dare you bite me! I'll mess you up!"

Suddenly a black poodle with messy fur leaped out and grabbed Scabbers by his neck, running off with him.

"Get back here with my rat you mangy mutt!" cried Ron. "If you mess him up I'll mess you up!"

"Ron!" cried Harry.

But it was too late. Ron followed the dog as it ran towards the schools whalloping willow and disappeared into a hidden opening underneath the dangerous plant. Ron, in his rage, disappeared down that tunnel himself.

By that time the willow was swinging its branches angrily. Harry and Hermione couldn't get close.

"Now what?" asked Harry.

But before they could ask themselves, Crookshanks, without warning, leaped out and ran under the tree, putting its paw on a knot at the base of the tree. The whalloping willow shuddered for a moment and then went still, like an ordinary tree.

"Crookshanks!" said Hermione gleefully, running up and petting the mangy looking cat. "Oh, Crookshanks you're a hero!"

"Don't let Ron hear you say that," said Harry nervously.

They snuck down the passage and found themselves coming out into the shrieking shack. They walked up the creaky staircase carefully, only to find Ron huddled up in a corner, holding Scabbers. Crookshanks was nearby, staring at the rat with a death glare. Harry and Hermione rushed in crying, "Ron!" only for the door to close behind them.

They turned, and it was Sirius Black.

"Watch out!" cried Ron.

"Thanks," said Harry Dryly. "Real helpful to be told that when the door is already closed."

"No Harry!" said Ron. "He's an animagus! He can turn into a poodle!"

"Boy that's embarrassing," said Harry

"You're telling me," said Black. "I was going for a rottweiler."

Ron: "Yeah, that would've been awesome."

Hermione: "Ron, don't socialize with the psychopathic killer."

Black: "I am not a psychopathic killer!"

Harry: "Really? What are you here to do then?"

Black: "To murder someone as violently as possible...no wait! That came out wrong!"

"Well," said Ron, standing between Black and Harry as he held Scabbers in his hand. "If you want to kill Harry then you'll have to kill me f…"

"Stop!" cried Lupin, running in with his wand out.

"Hey!" said Ron. "Don't interrupt my awesome moment! I get so few of those!"

"Sirius," said Lupin, embracing the man. "I can't believe it…"

"Remus," said Black, pleased. "My friend."

"What?!" asked Harry. "You're his friend?!"

"Should have known," said Hermione. "He's a werewolf. That's why he misses classes. I knew Snape's essays had to mean something, and that silvery thing that the dementor showed you was the moon, wasn't it?"

"Who cares?" said Black. "Can we get on with killing Peter Pettigrew or not?"

Suddenly Snape rushed in, his wand pointed out.

"Alright," said Snape. "Nobody…"

Harry: "EXPELLIARMUS!"

Snape was hit so hard his wand flew out of his hand and he flew into the wall.

"Harry!" said Hermione! "What are you doing!"

"Isn't it obvious?" asked Ron. "He wants to know about this Peter Pettigrew and Snape was getting in the way."

"No," said Harry. "I just really wanted to blast Snape in his smug face."

Ron: "Oh yeah. That makes sense too."

"But that being said," said Harry. "I would like to know about Peter Pettigrew. Professor Lupin?"

"He was our friend," said Sirius. "We told everyone that I would be the secret keeper for your parents, but we actually made it Peter, who betrayed your parents to Voldemort."

"I thought he was dead," said Lupin. "Until you saw his name on the Marauders map. That map never lies. I should know. We made it. Padfoot was Sirius, I was Mooney, Peter was Wormtail, and your father was Prongs."

He wondered what prongs meant. Probably something awesome since it was his dad.

"So…" said Harry. "A powerful magical artifact that was designed by my father just happened to end up in my hands? How did that happen?"

Suddenly the voices of the Winsley twins echoed throughout the shack in an eerie rasp, "Because we...know...everything!"

Awkward pause.

"Okay," said Harry.

"Anyway," said Lupin. "Peter faked his death. He's an animagus. they all were. They could transform into animals and keep me company when I was a werewolf. Sirius and James had animal forms that could handle a werewolf."

Harry: "A poodle can handle a werewolf?"

Sirius: "Hey, this poodle had jaws of steel!"

"The point is," said Lupin. "That Peter's not dead. He transformed into a rat."

Everyone looked at Ron.

Ron: "I don't believe you."

Sirius: "Don't care, done waiting."

Sirius grabbed Snape's wand, levitated Scabbers into the air, and said a spell Harry didn't recognize.

And Scabbers went POOF!

Ron: "What?"

In Scabbers place with a middle-aged, balding man.

Ron: "What?!"

The man, nervously, said, "Oh...Lupin...Sirius...heh...l...long time no see…"

Ron: "WHAT?! WHAT?! I don't...you can't…"

He actually started tearing up upon finding his pet rat was a middle-aged man. Hermione, gently, came over and gave him a hug, saying, "It's okay Ron...It's going to be okay."

And Ron sobbed into her shoulder.

"Hah!" said Sirius. "Now I can kill you, you traitor!"

"No!" said Harry. "We'll turn him into the ministry and clear your name."

Sirius thought about it and said, "Yeah okay."

"Oh but Crookshanks," said Hermione, going over to the mangy cat in the corner. "You knew that rat was trouble all along, didn't you! That's a good kitty!"

And Crookshanks went POOF!

Hermione: "What?"

A woman with messy hair where Crookshanks used to be said, "Peter Pettigrew! I knew it was you!"

Hermione: "What?!"

Peter: "Oh no! It's my ex-wife!"

Hermione: "WHAT?! That's not…you can't...I don't…"

As she started to cry, Ron went over, gave her a hug and saying, "It's okay Hermione. It's going to be okay." And she sobbed into his shoulder.

Harry: "Hermione, you never said Crookshanks was a girl."

Hermione: "You never a...ha...ha...hasked!"

Lupin sighed and said, "What a day."


	57. Chapter 58

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 15

What if Something Goofy Happened?

I couldn't come up with a name for this chapter :(

By

Jason Richard

So Lupin levitated Snape, and they all walked out of the Shrieking Shack. Ron got his wand and kept his eye on Peter Pettigrew, seething hatred in his eyes. Peter's ex-wife, who had yet to volunteer her name, also glared at Pettigrew, while Hermione looked away from all of them, feeling confused about this whole situation.

Harry, meanwhile, began talking with Sirius.

"So," said Harry. "You knew my parents?"

"Yeah," said Sirius. "The four of us were thick as thieves. Though...that feels like forever ago. I...I don't know if anyone's told you but...Your parents made me your Godfather."

"I heard," said Harry. "And the answer is yes. I'd like to live with you."

"That was fast," said Sirius. "I didn't even get the chance to ask."

Harry turned, looked Sirius in the eye and said, "I want out of the Dursley house. Now."

"Well," said Sirius. "Okay then. Let's hope nothing disastrous happens within the next few minutes."

"Oh look," said Ron. "A full moon."

"Oh No!" said Hermione. "Something Disasterous!"

Harry and Sirius looked at Lupin, whose eyes were glazing over, and said, "Uh oh."

And Lupin began turning into a werewolf. His face elongated, fur began sprouting all over his body, his ears shifted to the top of his head and became pointy, he grew a tail and did other things that made him look like a wolf. His wizard robes ripped in a few places but otherwise stayed on him.

"Lupin!" cried Sirius.

"Ow!" cried Ron as Peter punched him and ran off. Harry pulled out his wand, but Peter turned into a ran and ran off.

"Peter Pettigrew!" cried the ex-wife. "Get back here you miserable little rat in every sense of the word!"

And she turned into a cat and ran after him. Harry would have chased after them both, but he found himself face to face with a werewolf.

"I'm going to kill that little rat in every sense of the word!" said Ron.

Harry: "Werewolf."

Ron whimpered, "Never mind. Let's run like the wind."

Hermione: "No! We can't! If we make sudden moves, he'll catch us! It read it in our assignment."

Ron: "Wow. I'm actually glad you're a total school obsessed nerd for once."

Hermione: "Harry, remind me to punch him when we aren't in danger anymore."

At that exact moment, Snape woke up and ran over to them, furious. For once his love of Harry's mother Lily didn't suppress the rage inside him.

"There you are Potter!" cried Snape.

Harry: "Werewolf."

Snape immediately put himself between the werewolf and the children.

Snape's mind: Not Harry!

Out loud: "Weasly! Use yourself as bait!"

Ron: "In your dreams Snape!"

Suddenly Sirius, as a poodle, ran in and leaped atop the werewolf, biting his ear. The small black dog did pretty well for a while but eventually got thrown away.

Sirius whimpered on the ground.

Ron: "Gee Harry, I guess when they were keeping Lupin in line your dad did the heavy lifting."

Sirius growled on the ground.

Suddenly, another wolf started howling, catching Lupin's attention.

Ron: "Does anyone else think that wolf sounds like Hermione?"

Hermione: "Why would a wolf sound like me?"

Ron: "Well, for a wolf it sounds like a know it all nerd who's obsessed with schoolwork."

Hermione: "Again, Harry, remind me to punch him when we get out of this."

And Lupin ran off. With that, Harry ran after a Sirius, who limped away in dog form. Snape called him back, but Harry ignored him.

He found Sirius Black at the shore of a lake, apparently injured. He ran to help him, but then suddenly felt a chill go down his spine.

He looked over and saw dementors...and hear heard Draco Malfoy's voice in his head.

Draco: "So, I ran into this stupid muggle."

Audience made up entirely of other Draco Malfoy's: "How stupid was he?!"

Draco: "He was so stupid he lived in a cave! Ha...ha...ha!"

And the Draco Malfoy audience laughed.

Harry: "Not now!"

The dementors came up, and suddenly Sirius cried out, "Noooooo! Not Lucius Malfoy doing standup!"

Harry: "I feel your pain!"

Harry pulled out his wand and said, "Expecto Patronum!"

And his wand gave a little white puff before fizzling out.

"Yeah," said Harry. "Didn't think that would work."

And then, the Dementors began to lift their hoods.

"No," said Sirius, terrified. "Not the dementor's kiss…"

They would suck out Sirius's soul by revealing their true form.

"No," said Harry weakly, the images of Draco doing stand up making him weaker by the minute.

Suddenly a flash of bright light burst through the woods, and a glowing deer bounded through the air, knocking the dementors away. After a few minutes, it cleared the forest of dementors. Just as Harry began to black out, he saw the glowing deer go up to someone who looked very familiar.

Dad...it was Harry's dad. It had to be. He looked just like Harry. More like Harry than even Harry expected. He was a little too short for a grown man, his eyes were green, and he had a lightning bolt shaped like just like Harry…but it had to be his dad.

Harry couldn't be in two places at once any more than Hermione could attend two classes at once. So silly!


	58. Chapter 59

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

What if Harry asked Questions about the Time Turner?

By

Jason Richard

"It was my dad," said Harry excitedly as he got up from his bed. "He came to save us!"

In the hospital wing, Ron sat in his bed with a bandage on his foot while Hermione sat to the side, and they both looked at him like he was crazy.

"Harry," said Ron. "You do realize that...well...is physically impossible. Don't you?"

"Ah!" said Harry. "But it's not magically impossible!"

"It is," said Ron. "Not even magic can bring people back from the dead. I'm not a super nerd like Hermione and even I know that. Shame the boy who lived doesn't know that huh?"

Pause.

Harry: "Hermione, remember to punch Ron if we survive the Werewolf.

Hermione: "Oh right!"

WHAM!

Ron: "Ow!"

Hermione: "Thanks."

Harry: "Don't mention it. Anyway, it was my dad. So there."

Hermione: "Forget your father for a second. Your Godfather is about to have his soul sucked out by Dementors."

At that moment Dumbledore entered.

Harry: "Professor Dumbledore! Sirius is innocent! It was Peter Pettigrew who betrayed my parents! He's been hiding as the rat that Ron let sleep in his bed sometimes."

Ron: "Oh thanks for bringing that up!"

Dumbledore: "Huh. So Ron's rat was a middle-aged man the whole time. Go figure."

Ron: "Can we please change the subject?"

Dumbledore: "Right! Hermione. You know that thing you aren't supposed to use except for classes?"

Hermione: "Yeah?"

Dumbledore: "Use it now to save Buckbeack and Sirius."

Hermione: "Because you trust me to use it wisely?

Dumbledore: "No, I'm just reckless with children's lives. Bye!"

And Dumbledore left.

"Well that's concerning," said Ron.

"Quite," said Hermione. "Sorry Ron, but with your leg the way it is you'll only slow us down.

Hermione pulled out a device hanging from her neck and wrapped it around Harry's neck and her own...She then twisted the device, which was reminiscent of an hourglass, three times. Suddenly the world changed around them. People moved backward at an incredible pace, and even the sun moved back until it was earlier that day.

Harry: "Did we just go back in time?"

Hermione: "Yes Harry. This is a time turner, and it's how I've been getting to my classes all year. Professor Mcgonagall gave it to me, and said I was the only person allowed to use it."

Harry: "Wait...I assume the effects work for whoever is wearing the necklace part. if you're the only person allowed to use it, then why does the necklace have enough room for two people in the first place?"

Pause.

Hermione: "Huh, I don't really know. Well, come on. We must go, and we cannot be seen."

Harry: "Wait, if we cannot be seen, then why did we go backwards in the hospital, where people are going in an out all day?"

Hermione froze.

Hermione: "Oh."

Harry: "Yeah, we could have been seen by the dozens of people who get magical injuries in this place. Also, if we have the power to time travel, couldn't we go back in time and stop Voldemort from killing everyone?"

Awkward Pause with Hermione glaring.

Hermione: "Harry, if you point out one more logical inconsistency with this situation, I'll ram this time turner down your throat!"

Another awkward Pause with Hermione glaring.

Harry: "Well...let's go save Sirius and Buckbeak."

Hermione: "Yes. Let's."


	59. Chapter 60

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 17

So What Memory did Harry use to Power that Patronus Anyway?

By

Jason Richard

So Harry and Hermione went to Hagrid's hut, and they saw themselves go in. They waited patiently, and through the window, Harry saw Hagrid give Scabbers to Ron. Harry almost burst in to bust that rat Peter Pettigrew, but Hermione stopped him.

Hermione: "You can't Harry. I know he betrayed your parents, but if you just burst in there, what will the past you think if someone who looked just like you burst into the room? You'd probably attack yourself thinking it was dark magic. We can't be seen, remember?"

Harry: "I know. You're right. I just can't stop thinking about all the horrific things I want to do to that man to avenge my parents.

A moment of silence.

Harry: "Hermione, if you kill an animagus while they're in animal form, is eating that animal considered cannibalism?"

Hermione thought about it.

Hermione: "Huh. I don't know."

Moment of silence.

Hermione: "Why do you ask?"

Harry gave Pettigrew the evil eye and said, "No reason."

Hermione: "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."

Events played out as they did before. The kids left the hut as Dumbledore, Minister Fudge, and the executioner strolled up. When they were inside Harry and Hermione unchained Buckbeack and let him away with some dead ferrets. As they left, they realized that the executioner was hacking away pumpkins and felt embarrassed about their earlier horror.

Then they camped near the Walloping Willow, and waited.

And Harry muttered something under his breath the entire time.

Harry: "I will go live with my Godfather and not with the Dursleys, I will go live with my Godfather and not with the Dursleys, I will go live with my Godfather and not with the Dursleys, I will go live with my Godfather and not with the Dursleys, I will go live with my Godfather and not with the Dursleys…"

Hermione, covering her ears, said, "I heard you the first hundred times."

Finally, they saw everyone enter the shack, and after a few minutes they all came out, and the last to go inside was an unconscious Snape being levitated by Lupin.

Harry giggled at the sight.

Harry: "I did that."

Hermione: "Don't laugh at your teacher!"

And Harry laughed some more.

Finally, the moon came out and it all happened. With the werewolf out, Harry didn't dare go after Pettigrew, which hurt. Not going after that rat in every sense of the word hurt him a lot. And then Sirius turned into a dog to fight it, but it...well...looked a little less impressive than Harry remembered.

The black poodle went, "Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!" and the werewolf covered his ears...and that's how the poodle was able to take on a werewolf.

Harry: "Huh. The adrenaline must have gotten to me before. This looks way less awesome."

Then Hermione went Awoo! Just like a wolf. At the sound, the werewolf ran towards them. As the two of them fled for their lives Harry said, "You know, now that the adrenaline's back, Sirius battling that werewolf as a poodle seems awesome again!"

Hermione: "Go figure!"

They didn't get very far before Buckbeack came in and fought the werewolf off, and that looked awesome even when the adrenaline wore off.

With that in mind, they then ran to the lake where Sirius and past Harry were getting attacked by Dementors, each shouting about a Slytherin doing standup comedy as the draining of happiness left them with sheer horror.

"Okay," said Harry. "My dad is going to show up right there and save the day."

Hermione: "I don't see anything."

Harry: "He'll be there."

Past Harry and Sirius. "No! The lack of laughs! The jabs at muggles rather than jokes! Not being able to tell the difference between a muggle and a caveman! Seriously! What's with that!"

Harry: "Huh. I don't remember that."

Hermione: "So we've established that you have a bad memory. Go ahead and do the Patronus now."

Harry: "My dad did it."

Past Harry and Sirius: "Oh the humanity!"

Hermione: "Harry, you're going to die."

Harry: "No I'm not."

Hermione: "Harry, you're pulling a 'back to the future.'"

And Harry was disappearing, his hand turning transparent. If his past self didn't get saved soon, he'd be done fore.

Harry sighed and said, "Yeah. I just...I was going to go live with a family who actually wanted me. YUou can't help but hope, you know?"

Hermione: "Yeah. I know. Sorry, it wasn't your dad. Now, go get em."

Harry: "Right."

And Harry turned towards the dementors, pulling out his wand. He raised the magical tool and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Expecto Patronum!"

And a silver deer burst from his wand and began ramming into the dementors. The construct of pure happiness scared the dementors off, making them flee. After a few minutes, the flying silver deer managed to drive them all off. Sirius and the past Harry were safe.

"Wow," said Hermione, impressed. "A Patronus. That's pretty advanced. What memory did you use?"

"I…" Harry began, but then said. "Never mind. Let's…"

"Harry," said Hermione. "The more you try to dodge the question the more curious that will be."

Harry sighed and said, "I used the memory of...my dad showing up to save us from dementors."

Awkward pause.

Hermione: "You used a memory of your father that turned out to be you? That's kind of sad really."

Harry: "Nobody asked you!"


	60. Chapter 61

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 18

What if Harry Learned Something Else About his Dad?

By

Jason Richard

So Harry and Hermione flew on Buckbeak and broke Sirius out of the cell he ended up in. They flew from the tower to the edge of the dark forest, and there Harry prepared to say goodbye.

"It's funny," said Harry. "Just a little while ago I thought you were a mass murderer who betrayed my parents. Now I'm sad you're going away. And...you know...wanted for crimes you didn't commit."

"Well," said Sirius. "That's how it goes. But I'm eternally grateful, for rescuing me. And believe me. Your parents would be so proud of you."

Harry beamed with pride.

"Well," said Sirius. "I'll be going now. I'll take good care of buckbeak."

"Actually," said Harry. "I'm surprised Buckbeak warmed up to you so quickly."

"Well what can I say," said Sirius. "We've both been put away for things we don't deserve, and we'll both go up against a werewolf without flinching. I think we're going to get along just fine."

He stroked Buckbeak's neck, and the Hippogriff rubbed his beak against Sirius's shoulder.

"Yeah," said Harry. "Even if all you do is yip at it as a poodle, you're still pretty awesome."

"Thanks," said Sirius.

Sirius mounted Buckbeak and looked back.

"Goodbye Harry," said Sirius. "If you ever need me, I'll be there in a heartbeat."

"Likewise," said Harry.

And Sirius flew away.

"I think he'll be alright," said Hermione. "Come on. Let's get back to the hospital room before they notice we're missing."

…

They got back to the hospital wing just in time, passing Dumbledore, who just winked at them. They got inside just as their past forms disappeared.

Ron, still laying in his hospital bed, said, "Tell me everything."

And so they did.

…

The next day Harry went up to Lupin's office and found him packing his things. Harry didn't like that. He didn't like that at all. Lupin looked up and saw Harry's expression. He smiled cheerfully, though couldn't hide the weary look in his eyes.

"Yes Harry," said Lupin. "I'm not going to be defense against the dark arts teacher after this year. Apparently, someone let slip I was a werewolf and...well...we don't want to risk the wrath of the student's parents."

"Bet it was Snape," said Harry.

"That's Professor Snape," said Lupin. "And he's not as bad as you think."

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Anyway," said Lupin. "I'd best be off."

Before Lupin left, however, Harry had one more question for him.

"Professor," said Harry. "My dad, his Animagus form, I think I know what it is."

Lupin: "Oh?"

Harry: "It was a deer, like my patronus. And prongs stood for the antlers."

Lupin laughed and said, "Oh no Harry. It wasn't that."

Harry: "Then what?"

Lupin: "His animagus form was a lobster."

Harry stood dumbfounded for a few seconds.

Harry: "But...but you said he could keep a werewolf in line! How's a lobster supposed to do that?"

Lupin: "With his claws of course. Didn't read the material Snape assigned? Werewolves hate getting nipped."

And Lupin left, leaving Harry dumbfounded.

Did Lupin really expect Harry to believe that a poodle and a lobster were enough to keep a werewolf in line? That all it took was a bunch of yipping and nipping…

And suddenly, werewolves became significantly less cool.

And then Dumbledore came in.

"How are you Harry?" said Dumbledore.

"Depressed," said Harry. "I had a chance to leave the Dursley house, and that's gone. I also had the best defense against the dark arts teacher, and now he's gone. My life is still terrible, and I'm not sure I made much of a difference."

"Harry," said Dumbledore. "You saved an innocent man from a fate worse than death. It made a great deal of difference. Makes me feel better about sending underage children into terrible danger on a regular basis.

"Um…" said Harry. "Thanks?"

"No problem," said Dumbledore, and then he left, making Harry question his choice of school.


	61. Chapter 62

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 19

What if they had more pet trouble that day?

By

Jason Richard

So once again, children began boarding the Hogwarts express, ready to go home for the year. Students poured into the station with their bags packed and their brains filled with what they'd learned over the year.

Their professors wished they'd learned more, but what can you do?

As Harry finished packing, he wondered what had happened to Peter Pettigrew, and if the man's ex-wife was still chasing him.

...

She was.

Ex-Wife: "Get back here you rat in every sense of the word!"

Pettigrew: "Nooooooooo!"

...

Harry walked towards the platform, lamenting that he'd be going back to the Dursley's house. He'd gotten a chance to live with someone who seemed like he'd actually care for him, and now? Harry hoped things wouldn't get worse.

"Ah," said Draco Malfoy. "Life is good."

And things got worse, making Harry grimace.

"A dangerous criminal has gotten what they deserve," said Draco.

"Why do you care about Sirius Black?" asked Harry.

Draco: "Not him. That miserable Hippogriff."

Draco didn't realize that Buckbeak was alive. This, Harry noticed, was an opportunity. Harry discreetly uttered a spell that he conveniently knew, one that would make Draco's voice project itself outward when he got home. Buckbeak would undoubtedly hear it. Sirius would keep the hippogriff safe, and besides, this was too good to pass up.

"You better stop badmouthing Buckbeak," said Harry.

"Oh yeah?" said Draco. "Why should I?"

And Harry just grinned, walking away.

Draco: "Wait. Why should I? Hey! Don't ignore me! Why should I stop!?"

But Harry ignored him. Draco grimaced.

Draco: "Eh. What am I worried about?"

…

On the train ride home, Harry, Hermione, and Ron sat together, and both Ron and Hermione had sour looks.

"Still upset about your pets?" asked Harry.

Both of them, "Don't ask."

Harry didn't press the issue, but he did take his wand and point it at Hedwig. His pet, it seemed, was really an owl after all. That was comforting.

Suddenly the window opened, and something landed inside. It out to be a very tiny owl carrying a letter.

Harry took the letter, and it turned out to be from Sirius.

Dear Harry,

I'm so sorry things didn't turn out as we hoped, but I'm glad we have a chance to get to know each other, even if it has to be under the radar. Hope to hear from you soon. Also, I wanted to mention that it was me who sent you the Firebolt for Christmas. Just a little present from your Godfather. Also, I'm sorry about Ron's rat not being a Ron, so I figured he might want to keep the scop owl that brought this letter. I'll send something for Hermione later.

You're ever loving Godfather,

Sirius.

"Yay!" cried Ron. "I have a pet that isn't a forty-year-old man in disguise!"

"You hope," said Hermione.

They all went silent. It occurred to them that there was a worst case scenario here.

"No," said Ron. "Sirius would have checked if it was a real owl before gifting it. He wouldn't have sent a person in disguise after we just got through what that. Would he?"

More silence. The little owl sat on the floor of the train happily, looking all cute and cuddly.

"Well," said Harry. "There's one way to find out." and he lifted his wand.

They waited with bated breath, and Harry waved his wand.

And the tiny owl went POOF!

"Oh thank you," said what the owl turned into. "Harry Potter would not believe the day Dobby has had."

All three of them: "OH COME ON!"

…

At the Malfoy Manor Draco strolled along the path. Birds were singing, flowers were blooming, and the Malfoy's were rich wizards.

"AAAAH," said Draco. "Life is good...if occasionally annoying."

Harry's warning and grin over Buckbeak the hippogriff were still getting to him. Nothing bad would happen if he insulted that stupid Hippogriff again. Nothing at all.

He'd prove it.

So Draco took a deep breath and shouted at the top of his lungs, "  
All hippogriffs are ugly, stupid brutes!"

Figured he'd throw all hippogriffs in there, just to be certain.

Draco strolled forward for a few minutes, but then stopped. He heard something — a loud rushing noise. The wind was starting to pick up. It started blowing faster and faster until Draco's hair and robes were billowing around him.

Then Draco turned and saw it...an Army of Hippogriffs rushing straight towards him, their eyes bloodshot with rage.

And Draco gave a girly scream heard round the world.

...

Harry, in the car ride home with the Dursleys, grinned from ear to ear, sensing that his plan had worked out better than he'd anticipated.

"What are you grinning at?" asked Dudley.

"Oh nothing," said Harry. "So...cousin who always bullies me...have you ever seen a hippogriff?"

…

Severus Snape had followed Draco, waiting for him to say something bad about Lily again so that he could take revenge again. However, it seemed that Harry had things covered this year. That army of Hippogriffs was pretty amazing. Revenge worthy of a Slytherin.

Harry would have done well in Slytherin, Snape thought.

…

Harry shuddered. He didn't know what, and he didn't know who, but someone had just thought something...unthinkable.


	62. Chapter 63

Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Epilogues

By

Jason Richard

Epilogue 1: Pettigrew meets his master.

Peter Pettigrew walked along through the forest, taking deep breaths. He'd finally outrun his Ex-Wife, and the price was sore legs and shortness of breath. It was worth it, though. He had no idea what he'd seen in that woman in the first place.

Things were still bad for him, though. Now people knew he was alive. He'd be hunted down now. The ministry would chase him to the ends of the earth. He had to go to the only refuge possible. He had to go to heim who must not be named, the man who held the wizarding world in terror, the man who killed hundreds of the strongest wizards in the world when at the height of his power.

Maybe it wasn't too late to go groveling to his ex.

Too late. He'd followed the signs and now stood at the entrance to the cave where Voldemort's spirit was hiding. Pettigrew swallowed nervously.

He very slowly walked into the cave, trying to swallow his fear. He knew that Voldemort was to be feared, but what choice did he have? He who must not be named would not accept a minion to whimpered and cried. Peter would hold his head up high and walk in without fear.

Peter heard a moan from down the cave and he immediately whimpered.

Moonlight streamed in from the holes in the roof of the cave, and something within moved, making shadows on the walls. Whatever it was, it was big.

Had Voldemort taken a new shape? What had Voldemort become now? What hideous form did the most dangerous wizard of all time now take? What horrors awaited Peter Pettigrew within this cave? Peter whimpered, even as he stepped around the corner to take in…

A tabby cat with a face on its head, exactly as Voldemort's face appeared on Quirrel once. Apparently Voldemort's spirit had merged with a cat...one who's shadow made it look bigger than it was.

Peter felt father embarrassed, especially since it was banging the back of its head against the cave wall.

Wham! Wham! "You stupid…" Wham! "Stop banging me…" Wham! "Why can't you be like Quirrrel…" Wham!"

Apparently the possession wasn't going well.

Finally, Voldemort left the cat, which ran away. Voldemort's spirit, a misty face hovering in the air, shook in frustration, then turned his eyes to Peter Pettigrew.

"And who are you?" asked Voldemort.

"P...p...Peter Pettigrew, sir...I mean my lord...I mean your Majesty...I mean…"

Voldemort: "Master."

Pettigrew, "Yes, Master, I knew it was something like that."

Voldemort: "SILENCE!"

And there was silence in the cave for a moment as the spirit of Voldemort tried to remember where he's seen this little man.

"Oh yes," said Voldemort. "You were the person who sold out Lily, and James Potter...which led directly to me getting a curse rebounded by a baby. In a way, you're kind of responsible for this."

Pettigrew: "But you told me to…"

Voldemort: "SILENCE."

And Pettigrew whimpered.

"Well," said Voldemort. "You're not much, but I suppose you'll do."

"And…" said Pettigrew. "And I even brought a spell. It won't restore you to full power, but it will give you a body...well...more like a dwarf's body...one that will need to be carried."

He got silent for a moment.

"Well," said Voldemort. "That's better than nothing. I will make you my henchman if you answer one question for me. Are you afraid of...piranha puppies?"

"Of course not," said Pettigrew. "Those aren't real."

"Oh, thank darkness!" said Voldemort in relief. "I'd have gone insane if you said you were. You see my last henchmen..."

Pettigrew: "Just don't summon any barracuda kittens…"

Vodlemort: "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

…

Epilogue part 2: Lupin's Boggart.

So the boggart that Voldemort had left at Hogwarts to scare off defense against the dark arts teachers was getting really frustrated. This was the third year in a row the defense against the dark arts teacher had been sent away from Hogwarts for other reasons. The poor creature was starting to feel like his existence didn't matter. It was really depressing. Still, the boggart didn't have time for an existential crisis. He had a former professor to scare, and he was going to scare the pants off this Professor Lupin.

Professor Lupin, meanwhile, got off the Hogwarts Express at the London exit and walked down the platform. He felt disappointed at everything that had happened but was hopeful that Hogwarts was in good hands with Dumbledore.

He wandered into a corner of the train station by himself, whistling while he went, when he suddenly found himself surrounded by a silver glow. He looked around, and saw his greatest fear, the last thing he wanted to see.

A full moon, and the sight of his worst fear...annoyed him.

"Oh come off it!" said Lupin. "I had a bad night last night, and I'm not in the mood for this nonsense. I know you aren't the real full moon. One, that was last night. Two, you're not in the sky, but floating inside a train station. Three, if you were the full moon I'd be turning into a werewolf right now, but I'm not, so you're not. You're a boggart. I'd riddikulus you to death, but I don't even have the energy to do that after what happened to me last night, so shoo." He did the shooing motion with his hand. "Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!"

And the Boggart Shooed.

At a boggart bar, or pub for British accuracy, the creature decided to drink away his woes...with cream soda. Apparently cream soda made boggarts drunk. Who knew?

The boggart, still in the form of the moon, sighed heavily, feeling depressed as he used a few clouds of mists for hands to hold his soda. He really was feeling useless. In between feeling sorry for himself, he had to avoid eye contact with the other boggarts. If they did, they would turn into his greatest fear, and he had no desire to be faced with an orangutan.

He won't say why that's this greatest fear, so don't ask.

He was surrounded by a colorful cast of characters, fears from around the world. From furry monsters to fanged clowns, vampires, zombies, bugs, and all sorts of things.

Also there was a pair of warm, woolen socks with teeth in the corner. That was weird.

"Bad day?" asked the bartender in the form of a zombie.

"Yeah," said Voldemort's boggart. "I just don't seem to scare people like I used to. I used to scare professors, men of intellect. Now I scare scam artists and hobo werewolves."

"Sound rough," said the bartender.

"Yeah."

"Well, don't get too discouraged," said the bartender. "I'm sure things will get better for you in no time."

"Well thanks, I…"

They made eye contact.

Boggarts: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

And they fled from each other, one of them as an orangutan.

Voldemort's boggart rested in an alley, out of breath, and feeling depressed again. Just as the bartender was trying to cheer him up, this happened. Surely this was a sign. He really was worthless. He was…

He saw his reflection, noticing for the first time what form he'd taken and what the bartender was afraid of.

Boggart: "He's afraid of a freakin garden hose? What a weirdo."


End file.
